I dread you.
Because it will be the day that hard decisions made will be put into action.
Truth? I have no idea. None at all, as to how many of you American mommas deal with having such short maternity leaves.
Abby is on the cusp of turning 6 months on the 27th of this month and tomorrow she will be starting…daycare. 2 days a week.
Can the thought of something that ties up knots in my chest and stomach possibly be the right decision? Is there really any right decision here? I mean, do any parents really want to send their child to daycare?
Not most. We do it because we have to. That whole earning a living thing.
Only….I know many parents who makes sacrifices. Go without, change their lifestyles and live in the moment. Live in the present with their children. Live on one income while the other parent stays home. (Of another topic, may I just state that it is heart-warming indeed, that more and more fathers are taking on this role. LOVE it. Because they are so GOOD at it.)
Another truth? There is a little demon inside me that pokes and prods at my innards … asking me, why? Why can’t you be like that? Why do you have to be setting all these goals for your business? Why can’t you be the one playing and caring for your babies during the day? Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? It is. So much.
But. There are these other demons. Fear of the poverty from my childhood, fear of not being able to provide stability for my children. In that we keep our home and don’t move around willy-nilly every year or two. A desire to provide more than the basic monetary needs that my children have. Of that and those — types of things, which I did not have.
The deepest, darkest fear? Fear of losing myself. The other parts of myself that don’t have much to do with being a mother. When really, everything…every moment of every day has to do with being a mother, even when we are not together. My children and I.
A new friend the other day, a woman and mother who is living in the moment with her children and has made lifestyle sacrifices in order to do so, put that seed of thought in my brain. That we as mothers are parenting, even when we are not there. I thought about that long and hard. Really? Am I still a good mom even if I am not the full-time, stay-at-home mom I dreamed I would be?
Gah. The mind, the heart — at times, can truly be one’s own worst enemy. Trite but true.
Last week, my elder stated to me, “This is what you are here for Selena. Right here. Right now. Today. This is your life … you are living for in the moment. It’s not all about tomorrow. Enjoy yourself and your life more.” To which I thought, well … Isn’t some of it about tomorrow? Aren’t there many tough parts about responsibility? And also, wait a second now … I enjoy myself! Sort of. Blerg. Mostly, she is right. I am working my ass off. And it’s hard.
Just as any young entrepreneur will tell you. Young not by age, but by the time my business has been operating.
If I change course, drop it all and put my career on the back burner, will the opportunities that are unfurling before me still be there in a few years? Will I be happier then, at home with my children full-time? I’m pretty sure these are very common, every-day struggles for most moms – whether we are SAHMs, WAHMs, or work out of the home with our kids in daycare.
Full or part-time. It’s a struggle we find ourselves in all our own — without the help certain dolts fueling the fire, such as Beth-Anne breaks it down, bang on; over on Toddler-Times. And then there’s the whole ‘is mother-hood a glass-ceiling for women?’ Debate. Don’t even get me started. Oy. Interesting and valid debate…but OY. (Click on December 27, 2011 Best of Q Podcast).
I’m the type of woman who breathes deeply, feels deeply and thinks deeply. That’s just how it is. Now, to just find some semblance of confidence with these hard decisions we are making as parents. But shit. Oh how I wish I could have it all. Keep my work-life and my mom- life all together, without going bonkers. Hence the daycare. Because really. Super-woman I ain’t. Anyone can turn the T.V. on. I’d rather my littles be getting quality care. If not from me – then from another.
Even if it hurts like a bugger.
More on the Babbles …