"But I Already Have a Baby!": The Discussion of Baby #2
I mean, does she really need a sibling? Look how content she is just playing with her sock monkey!
In recent weeks our little baby Fern is seeming less like a baby. As we see her personality emerging along with preferences and as we see her crawling, scooting and walking along the furniture it’s hard to deny that our baby is growing up.
I for one am excited about this. As much as I adore my baby, I do not adore the “baby stage.” I’ve never really liked babies that much, and even though Fern has changed my mind, I still look forward to the days when she will be a little bit more self-sufficient. I realize that I will miss things about her being this tiny, but overall the unpredictability of babies and my lack of baby mind-reading skills has made this season of life a pretty challenging one – totally worth it, but challenging nonetheless.
With that said, in the past couple of weeks my husband has begun asking me when I want to have a sibling for Fern…another baby. Dun, dun, dun…
Read on to see how the conversation went!
Craig (my husband): “So…are you ready to give Fern a baby brother or sister yet?”
Me: “Um…no.”
Craig: “Why not? Fern is practically a toddler now – it would be a great time to have another baby!”
Me: “Ummmm….did you not notice that I already have a baby?”
Craig: “But, Fern would love it. Think of how much fun they would have together?”
Me: “But, I’m not ready to be pregnant again. What if it’s worse than the first time? I still remember giving birth! I think I need to wait a little bit longer until I forget. And did you forget how long it took my ‘business’ to go back to normal after having our first baby? Pretty sure that just happened last week. I’m not quite sure I’m ready to gain a million pounds and have my body ravaged again just yet.”
Craig: “But, will you ever really be ready for all of that again?”
Me: “Hmmm…good point.”
After our discussion I’ve been wondering if having a second baby is kind of like having a first in that you’re never really “ready” per say. We talked about having a baby for so long before I actually went off of birth control the first time around and even then I still didn’t feel ready, but we kind of just decided that we were probably as ready as we’d ever be and that we could always be better equipped for parenting, but that we’d figure it out as we went along. Maybe having a second baby is much the same. I wonder if I’ll ever really feel ready.
When I was pregnant with Fern we talked about trying to get pregnant with a second baby when Fern turned one, because my philosophy was that I kind of just wanted to “get it over with.” I’ve always wanted two kids (My husband would like three or four, but that’s another story.), so I always just figured I’d try to have them sort of close together to get the pregnancy stuff over with (*NOTE: I’m not one of those women who loves pregnancy. I think it’s an amazing and beautiful thing, but that doesn’t mean I want to be pregnant for the rest of my life…nausea, cankles and fat face? No thanks.). But, now that Fern’s first birthday is only 3 months away (less even!) I’m not quite so sure.
Have any of you been debating this in your household? For those of you that have more than one child – what was the spacing like and how did it work out for you?
Lauren Hartmann is the founder of The Little Things We Do, a blog about life and adventures in Portland Oregon. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram or catch up on all of her posts here on Babble.
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I’m all about only having one kid in diapers at a time!
So funny! My husband and I just had this conversation last night! Jack will be a year old in early January. I’ve decided (and husband agrees) that we’ll probably start trying next summer. When Jack’s about 18 months old. I’d like the first two (no promises on more!) to be between 2 and 3 years apart. My sister and I were thisclose (15 months) and it was pretty difficult to separate ourselves and our own identities/friends/etc. But my husband was 4 years older than his sister and they have no relationship (this is due to many, many factors, not just the age difference, mind you). I think we’ll try to split the difference and start trying next summer. It seems surreal to think about it, but I’m all for getting it over with while I’m young! If we decide to have three kids, I’d like to have them all close together. Not interested in having too many years of diapers.
So funny, when I saw this headline it reminded me of your mom’s story about how she felt when she found out she was pregnant the second time.
Awww… your convo is so funny AND honest Lauren! Love that about your posts and I LOVE Fern’s picture! Okay, back on to the topic, I can see where you are coming from though I haven’t crossed that bridge yet myself. I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, wanting their kids to be close in age and others who can’t handle 2 in diapers at once. The one argument for having them close together which I’ve found the most convincing, is that you still remember how to do a lot of the baby stuff and the diaper thing is seamless, and you haven’t forgotten how tough it can be. In that sense, yes, just “get it over with”. I often think it IS harder to get back on the train to “start all over again” once parents have forgotten what it’s like to have a totally 100% completely dependent baby on their hands. Before J didn’t want 2 kids in college at the same time (think of the tuition!), but then after seeing other people’s babies he wanted to have them closer together (to play together and get it over with), and now lately he’s been saying maybe “just one” (probably the fear of the unknown). Like you said, I think no one is ever really ready for #1, #2, etc. You can take my friend’s approach at say Fern’s 1 year mark and just stop using b/c or whatever method you use and let it fall to “whatever happens, happens”? P.S. Sorry I wrote a novella!
We found out we were pregnant with Buck the day after Bennett’s 2nd birthday. I have already told you that I think it would have been easier on us if B was a little younger or a little older. Yes it would have been nice to not have two in diapers but its not as horrible as I had imagined…though our budget isn’t too happy about it. Fern would most likely potty train earlier than 3 since she’s a girl but that’s definitely something to think about. I agree that you’ll never be 100% ready for anything but it will be nice to get the baby stages behind us so we can go do awesome things together! I do have to say that I never realized how much I love the baby stage until now, knowing this will most likely be it for us (lord willing)!
Commit to the crazy! I found out I was pregnant the day before Edie’s first birthday, and the pay off is right now. They are such good friends and I can’t imagine not having them so close together. I potty trained Edie those first few weeks after bringing home baby which saved on diapers. You have a great support system. It’s hard but rewarding
I have a 24 month old and a 4 month old. It can be challenging, but I love the age difference. I don’t think we will potty train for a little while though, for me it is just easier to do diapers for both than to rush off to the restroom with an infant when we are out. I also don’t enjoy being pregnant and just wanted to get it over with as well.
haha the topic is reversed in our house! My daughter will be 4 months on Thursday and basically the only two things keeping me from getting pregnant again RIGHTTHISSECOND is my desire to lose the baby weight from the first one and feeling bad about taking tons of maternity leave from work haha
When we had been with our first daughter for just a week, still living in Ethiopia and waiting for embassy clearance to come home, my husband turned to me and said, “I think we might be able to handle sibling adoption next time.” I think I just blinked, but what I was thinking was, “We are living in a guest house with a shared bathroom and unreliable running water, and you’d like to discuss next time? How about getting through this time first?” But now there is a next time, a little less than two years after the first (with just one baby, not siblings, thank heaven), and we’re doing okay. One plus for us is that we adopted an older child first, so there’s a generous age gap. I am personally a fan of larger age gaps so that at least one child is out of diapers and can express themselves with words, but I know plenty of people who had kids close together and loved it. It really just depends on your personal chaos threshold.
I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum! I grew up as the oldest of 4 kids born within 5 years of one another. I always felt like life was so chaotic that I didn’t really get to spend time with my mom, especially as the only girl with 3 Brothers. I had to be a mini mom. For me it was important to take a little extra time with each of my kids before tackling another:) that’s my personality tho… I like a plan, I like life to be calm and I like to be able to manage my situation. My kids are all 3 years apart and I love it! Close enough to be able to play together, far enough that I felt I was able to spend enough one on one time with each. Now my son is in school and I have time with my 3 yo daughter…and her new baby sister. I also didn’t know if I would ever feel ready after the first pregnancy and birth experience but once I had a chance to regroup I felt ready to do it all again! I think it all depends on your personality and what you feel like you can handle:)
This is my great debate. I said I would see how we handled the first year and then go from there. We have a great baby/toddler so I was pretty happy to get off the pill and start my period again and just see what happened. That was 3 months ago and nothing yet. I would love to get all the baby stuff out of the way while I’m young and it’s fresh, but am I ready to give up sleep again? We have it pretty good right now, so why do I want to mess that up? You are not alone in this and Unfortenatly there is no right answer. It sounds like you still need some time so take as much of it as you need.
I’m pregnant with baby #5. I have a soon to be 14 yr old son , soon to be 12 yr old daughter, a 5 yr old daughter, and 14 month old son. I feel like I’ve been pregnant my whole life! You’ll never really be ready for another baby, but when it happens, you’ll be ready to conquer it!
The conversation about when to have #2 was never a big one for us, I have always known 2 kids was my minimum (I was an only and hated it) and my husband always wanted them really close together.
We thought we’d start trying around my sons first birthday in September, but I went off birth control to start charting my cycles in May (I’m irregular so I wanted to get a head start on that), and we got pregnant in June (neither of us cared about me NOT getting pregnant enough to try that hard to avoid it, lol). The boys will be 17 months or so apart which I think will be crazy hard at first but will be wonderful for them in the end.
Now the decision to have #3? That’s a different story. We never had to discuss having 2, it was always a given (assuming there were no fertility issues and even then I said I’d adopt 2 before having an only child). But I think my hubby would like 3, and while I’m down with the idea of more kids the cost of daycare and everything else makes the financial aspect concerning. I’m not sure it makes sense financially for us to have 3 kids. Not looking forward to those conversations, so I feel you.
It seems to be different for every set of parents, and older sibling! Our #1 is a great sleeper, very sensitive and social little bugger. He loves babies and friends’ kids when we babysit. We just had #2, and I am SO glad we did not wait! I couldn’t imagine potty training while pregnant or having a newborn, so for us, 2 in diapers is best! I also wanted to get the first trimester overwith while #1 was still taking 2 naps a day. I think that saved the whole pregnancy! But with that being said, it is a lot harder having a newborn with a VERY active toddler that is not in preschool or school, and only takes one nap a day, needs help getting into a high chair, etc. I am glad that he can walk holding my hand, follow directions, and help out cleaning up, eating by himself, etc. During the pregnancy we were very intentional about activities he would have to do by himself, such as walk to brush his teeth, go to bed, lay down for diaper changes, etc.
We have some friends that their daughter is the same age and more dependent, more strong-willed, doesn’t sleep well, and seems to get sick a lot. For whatever reason, they couldn’t get pregnant for a long time, and I think it will benefit their daughter immensely!
Either way, it will be hard for a season, but it will be wonderful for even longer
It really is a matter of what you and your husband feel is best, but I have experienced both sides of it. My sister and I are 5 1/2 years apart so growing up, there was a stretch of many years where we didn’t really get along because we had nothing in common (we are incredibly close now). My two kids are 16 1/2 months apart. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my husband wanted to “try” for Irish twins. We hadn’t really been trying or set on a certain age gap (we knew if we had a second, it would hopefully be a fairly small gap). It was definitely busy and challenging in the beginning, but I think when the older sibling is still young, it can be easier to adjust to a new baby. Now, at 2 1/2 and 1, it is incredible to watch my kids play and interact together.