Dear Diary: I Miss Just Being A MomCasi Densmore-Koon
Today was one of those days. One of those days you want to fast forward or get a do over. Grayson is teething, so the fever, diaper rash, and bleeding gums weren’t a good mix. I’m on a major deadline with cupcakeMAG. Our very first printed issue is coming out in just a few weeks. It’s been a dream of mine for so long, a dream that is keeping me up every night into the wee hours. Needless to say, it’s been a little stressful around here. But it’s worth every moment.
When everyone was finally asleep and I sat down to my computer, I felt like crying. Maybe it was the exhaustion or the teething baby that had been clinging to me for the last 12 hours. Maybe it was the fact that I’m facing 10 deadlines. Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t slept for 5 hours in who knows how long. Not because of Grayson, but because how much work I constantly have and that fact that I now even have to schedule my social media posts.
A few weeks ago, I let go of the control freak in me and hired an assistant outside of the family. She’s a dream, by the way. So now I have an assistant and a nanny. But some days, I’m still juggling it all with working 90-hour weeks. No matter how much help I have, I still have a full plate with 5 kids: room mom, soccer games, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning — well, you know how it all goes.
But today, something was just different. My nanny, who happens to be my younger sister, has been helping 3 or 4 days a week now and today she wasn’t here to help me, which was totally fine. I tried to give my full attention to my kids, but with work, it’s just so hard to find that balance. I posted a picture on Instagram of my 2-year-old Sadie. She decided today that she didn’t want to wear a diaper anymore and sat on the couch flipping through our first Christmas toy catalog. I looked back on that photo a few times over the night and couldn’t help but get teary eyed. In an instant she looked so grown up to me. Was I missing time with her? Am I missing time with all of my kids? How do I know if I am giving them enough of my time? Mom guilt kicked in like no other.
It breaks my heart when one of them is trying to talk to me and it seems to them as if I’m more interested in my phone. It makes me cringe when I have to work through dinner. I don’t want my kids to look back at me as THAT mom who was always working, missing out on things. I get tired of my husband telling me to put down my phone, and in return I say, “I can’t.” I don’t want to get frustrated with them because I’m stressed in general. I’m not a quitter. I don’t quit things. It’s just not my style. I do what I do because I love it. Bottom line. I love helping people, changing lives, putting smiles on faces, and helping whoever I can along the way. I give as much as I have, nothing less. It’s always my all. But it’s already November. Before we know it, it’s 2014. The days go by so fast. Years go by even faster. It’s like a whirlwind life, all the time. I miss stopping to smell the roses. I miss not having to feel the pressure to answer a text message, phone call or email. I miss being able to just be a mom. That’s all. I miss playdates with my friends. Play groups at the park. Volunteering at my older girl’s school. I miss not having any deadlines except for getting a field trip form in by the due date. I miss coloring with them in coloring books. Or snuggling on the couch on a rainy day.
I was at a point where I wondered if working this hard is worth it. I look back to about 6 years ago when my only job was a stay-at-home mom, not a work-at-home mom. Both jobs are equally as hard. I’m blessed and so lucky to be able to have a job that I love, something I can do at home, and well, just really put my heart and soul into it and take so much out of it. But some days, it’s just hard. I think everyone is allowed one bad day right? Well, today was mine.
I think I am just having one of those days where even though I am so appreciative of everything — cupcakeMAG, Babble, my career, my clients, my readers, everyone — I just miss having one full-time job as a mom.
Thanks for letting me vent today. Like my favorite Van Morrison lyrics, “my mama told me there will be days like this.”