Breastfeeding Wasn’t Important
Until I had to pump exclusively
It’s important to know that I was never that committed to breastfeeding in the first place. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I imagined I’d go three months, four max, then I’d reclaim my body, and the boy would hit the bottle.
I set this limit for several reasons. First, I’d hated every second of being pregnant, not so much for the physical discomfort as for the oppressive responsibility of it all. I was tired of wondering if I was irreparably damaging my child every time I cruised the cheese section of Whole Foods.
But I also disliked the self-congratulatory culture of modern pregnancy, as if getting knocked up and deciding to keep the baby were some rare accomplishment. I hated being addressed as “Mama” in the checkout line and being lectured on the amazingness of doulas and water births. And I really couldn’t stand the proselytizing of those overeducated “lactivist” moms I kept encountering. Breastfeed your child or don’t, but stop talking about it all the time!
Like many children of the late 1970s, I wasn’t breastfed even once. The closest I ever came to my mom’s boobs was in the dressing room at Macy’s, and I was totally okay with that. My brother and I both grew up to be intelligent and allergy-free, and the mother I remember was a lot more relaxed than many of the alpha moms of my acquaintance today, who spend their days in a frenzied competition to out-organic one another.
I wasn’t the type to prove my maternal devotion by the number of hours I carried my baby in a sling or the number of months I exclusively breastfed. Call me selfish, but I cared too much about my career. Sure, I wanted to give my son the best nutrition possible, but my scattered readings on the subject suggested that four months would imbue him with all necessary immunities and superpowers.
Then, after my son was born, something funny happened, or rather didn’t happen: breastfeeding. We just couldn’t figure it out. Either my nipples were too short, or his tongue was. Whatever the problem, he couldn’t latch. And oh, did we try!
In the hospital, we submitted to an elaborate hourly ritual under the observation of an on-staff lactation consultant. Leo would eagerly root toward my breast, just like the babies in the video. But then, after several desperate minutes of trying to latch, he’d fling his tiny head back and howl in frustration. An hour later, we’d go through the whole excruciating routine again.
While still in the hospital, when I wasn’t trying – and failing – to get the baby to feed off my breast, I started pumping to “establish my supply.” This, at least, I could manage. My problem wasn’t producing the milk but getting it directly from my body into my child’s.
Once back at home, we tried every possible method for making nursing work: nipple shields, syringes, a pediatric ENT specialist, a parade of outrageously expensive lactation consultants. But still no latching, and with every attempt, my son and I grew that much more miserable.
Though I’d never set much stock by the whole “breast is best” clich’, I soon came to feel like a failure as a parent and a person. Breastfeeding was the most natural act in the world, so why couldn’t I do it? There was suddenly nothing I wanted more than to succeed at this basic human chore: not fame, not wealth, not immortality. I just wanted to feed my goddamned baby.
Meanwhile, I was pumping for 20 minutes every 3 hours, eight times a day. I expressed enough milk to keep my baby fed and my freezer stocked and I took no small pride in that. At least I could do something right. But even 60 ounces a day wouldn’t have been enough to help me overcome my guilt about not breastfeeding. An article in TIME presented exclusive pumping as a “lifestyle choice,” a convenient alternative for the busy and/or self-conscious new mom. Yet almost all of the exclusive pumpers I’ve ever met have one thing in common: We pumped because, for one reason or another, we couldn’t breastfeed. And almost without exception, we felt like shit about it.
Though I badly needed friends in the city where we’d moved in my seventh month of pregnancy, I skipped the biweekly get-togethers of my neighborhood’s new moms group. Watching all those other mothers with their drowsy infants lolling happily beneath their nursing covers just hurt too much. It didn’t help that whenever I pulled a bottle out of my diaper bag these same moms would raise judgmental eyebrows at me before confessing that they, too, had struggled at first. I just needed to be more patient, that was all. I’d cringe, nod, then race back home to my pump.
Because I could never stray from my pumping station for long, on the rare occasions I left my house, I might as well have been going off to war between the diaper bag and that battleship of a breast pump I carted everywhere. I pumped in a bank parking lot, a Target handicapped stall, an Amtrak toilet. But it was the least I could do for the beautiful, sweet-natured creature I’d incubated; it wasn’t his fault his mother was such an anatomical reject.
Right around my son’s one-month anniversary on earth, just when I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, the all-pumping lifestyle wasn’t so terrible – that it might actually be more conducive to gender equality than nursing, since my husband had to handle the random night wakings while I stuck to a set schedule – I came down with a MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) infection. And that “resistant” was no joke: I spent the next two weeks in and out of the hospital, with a temperature of 104 and a purple boob swollen to football dimensions.
But still I couldn’t stop pumping. Even in the ER, with an IV in my arm, I insisted on giving my son that ambrosial nectar of my breast milk. By my fourth course of ever-stronger antibiotics in a month, I did occasionally wonder if Bactrim-laced breast milk really was best, but by that stage, I was too committed – or crazed – to give it up.
Then, when my baby was ten weeks old, my husband left on a twelve-day business trip. I was home from the hospital by that point, and without my co-pilot to manage the antibiotics runs and bi-hourly wakings, I fell apart. Not even the football boob and fever could compete with my exhaustion.
A few nights before my husband’s return, and the first night my son slept six consecutive hours, I fell asleep with the pump still going. I woke up at dawn to the wheezing sound of empty tubes and nipples like exit wounds. In the Moses basket next to me, my swaddled son opened his eyes and smiled up at the ceiling. And as I untangled myself from the tubes and smeared yet another gallon of olive oil over my scraped-sore nipples, I finally understood that, in my pumping mania, I’d all but overlooked one crucial component of parenting: my child. My enslavement to the pump – the belief that not only was breast best, but that mothers fell into two camps, those who could breastfeed (the good) and those who could not (the evil) – was alienating me from the very creature I’d set out to nourish.
So I made an appointment with my OB/GYN, who examined my battered body and agreed that yes, I’d done enough. I left the office with a prescription for birth-control pills to cut off my milk supply, a coupon for organic formula, and my fifth bottle of antibiotics, just in case.
Did I feel liberated? Not at all. I felt more monstrous than ever. Some women pumped for five years to maximize their children’s chances in life, and in my pathetic selfishness I was giving up after barely two months!
Even now, almost two years later, I feel a twinge whenever I see a woman whip out her boob at the playground. Why couldn’t that have been me? I briefly fantasize about having another baby (could I maybe get it right the second time around?), before reminding myself that the dream of breastfeeding is possibly the worst reason to have another child. But then I look over at my son, roaring with laughter as he whizzes down a slide or shouting out a new word from the top of the jungle gym. My inability to breastfeed seemed so do-or-die when he was an infant, so all-determining. But I don’t think my strapping son has suffered in the long run, not even a little bit, from what I saw as such a horrendous deprivation at my hands. Breast milk or no breast milk, he couldn’t possibly have turned out any better, and these days that’s the only consolation I need.
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Wonderful article, and extremely true about the guilt you feel seeing other mother’s breastfeed! I know how you feel and your honesty is very refreshing.
Awww.. Even though you made me laugh, I couldn’t help wanting to give you a hug. You were too hard on yourself. However, I feel your pain. Even though I did not have problems breastfeeding my kids for 6 months, after that, I always encountered not having enough milk and struggling to complete my 12 month personal commitment to my babies. Guilt was definitely the main dish for me but I feel that if I truly tried my best, I have given it all and that is what makes me a great mom.
Fantastic. And, I felt like I could have written much of it myself! My little one started taking to nursing around 10 weeks, and for that I felt lucky. But – before that, I was a pumping, nipple-shield-using basket case. I was the same crazed woman of which you speak! Looking back, nobody should be blamed for not continuing the frenzied commitment after going through what you (and I, in part) went through. It sounds like you’ve let go of the irrational guilt and let yourself enjoy your child. We can all take a lesson from you!
I had the same experience with my first child! Uhhghhghg!
“There was suddenly nothing I wanted more than to succeed at this basic human chore: not fame, not wealth, not immortality. I just wanted to feed my goddamned baby.”
SO TRUE! With my second child, I was able to breastfeed and let me tell you, I didn’t do a damn thing differently. This time it worked. Last time it didn’t. Who knows why?!
I can totally relate. I exclusively pumped for 2 months after my son was born last summer. If I ever have another child, I will either breastfeed (if I/my baby can) or I will formula feed. I will NOT exclusively pump again. I nearly lost my mind. I spent so much time focused on pumping schedules that I didn’t enjoy my baby as much as I should have.
I exclusively pumped by son for a year when he was born in 2007. Like you said, it wasn’t a choice it was that I simply couldn’t breastfeed him. I tried for two awful painful weeks that I spent instead of bonding with him resenting him and dreading the moment that he would cry out and I would need to go in there and cry through the pain. I was so nervous when my daughter was born to even try and nurse her in fear, but shockingly it was amazingly easy. She’s never had any trouble latching nor caused me any pain (though recently at 8 months with her 6 teeth she’s bitten me twice). So you never know how it will go!
It seems like exclusively pumping is more common now, when I did it I didn’t know of anyone else who had and it seemed like something embarrassing to say to people (because somehow they all inevitably asked)
So, so familiar. The not latching, the weeks of trying, the feeling of frustration and failure. When I finally retreated to pumping exclusively and bottle-feeding, the feeling of judgmental eyes on that bottle. So many times, I wished for a big sticker on the bottle proclaiming it filled with my milk. In the end, I got used to the pump easily and it went with me everywhere, and I committed myself to at least giving her my milk, if I couldn’t give it to her directly.
Because we have a year off, though, it was easy to keep going that way for the year, and so I did. had I been forced back to work earlier, I can’t say that commitment would have been as easy to maintain.
So familiar. I exclusively pumped for 6.5 months and it was an enormous nightmare. I literally lost my mind. Pressure from my husband and society at large didn’t help. Looking back I realize that I made a mistake. I regret pumping. The time I spend shackled to a machine would have been much better spent holding and bonding with my baby.
My happiest baby and the happiest time I can remember is my 3rd child, breastfed for 2 weeks, was so exhausted by life and managing the 2 older kids that I left the guild behind and happily fed her a bottle for the next almost 2 years. Like I said, happiest baby I had, easiest to put to bed, etc. Let go of the guilt, hold your baby, and enjoy life. We need to stop beating ourselves up and support each other. In the old days before formula, women who experience these same very problems handed their child to a wet nurse who breast fed the baby no questions asked. It was the norm. Only since formula were women given a chance at another option. Even animals in nature will take on an orphaned or sick baby animal if they are able to nurse or nurture it. What ever happened to society helping each other rather than judging each other. I experienced almost everything this article details and probably would have felt alot worse if it was my 1st child, but by my 3rd child, I already knew I was good mom and all 3 needed me, and the less time tied to a pump the better. FRee yourself, let go of the guilt.
First article I’ve read on Babble in a while that I actually relate to even though my baby isn’t even born yet AND which doesn’t make me feel like a failure before I even give birth! THANK YOU!
This could be me. I was unable to get my daughter to latch either. I ended up pumping exclusively for a full year, which was made easier as I am a stay at home mom. I pumped through 2 horrible bouts of mastitis (nothing is more disturbing than pumping out massive amounts of blood w/ the milk you were hoping to feed your child), through trips to see relatives, through my sister (yes my own sister) making fun of me for not getting my baby to latch on, as she’d had no problem with her 2. All in all I can say that it was worth it for me, and if I have another I will pump exclusively again if I need to.
I’m sorry you had such a rough time. I never felt worse than when I wasn’t making enough milk, or when my baby went on a nursing strike. And I remember carrying around the hospital grade pump and not wanting to explain to clients why it looked like I was carrying around plutonium I had stolen from the Libyans. But you know it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You could give breast milk AND formula! No really! I’m not sure why more peopledont do that. Then you’re not a slave to nursing or pumping. Plenty of us have to do that when we don’t make enough milk. Imagine sleeping 6 hours in a row at night!
My baby had what our LC called a “perfect” latch. But I had zero supply. None. I chained myself to that pump for six long weeks (while feeding the baby virtually all formula, plus the ounce or two PER DAY that I could pump). When I told my OB, she wasn’t at all concerned about my inability to breastfeed. She was much more concerned if the whole ordeal had affected our ability to bond. So I packed up the pump and enjoyed my (formula fed) baby. And he is wonderful. And I can almost look at a breastfeeding mom without cringing. almost.
Amen! I had premature twins and PCOS so breastfeeding was something I very much wanted to do but was not able to. Mine never would latch and were too lazy to really want to nurse. They started actually starving at the hospital and lost too much weight so the doctors forced me to allow formula and I started pumping. I was not even able to pump enough to feed them so at least you got that right! I got maybe 2 to 4 ounces with each pumping. Not nearly enough to feed them both. So I gave what I could and gave formula to top it off. After two months of pumping I was done. I had two infants to care for mostly alone and a household to care for. I did not have much time to pump. I would sit there and pump while my babies screamed at me for attention but I couldn’t give it to them because I was attached to a pump. I decided I would rather hold my babies than pump especially since I sucked at it. I would end up spilling milk everywhere almost every time I pumped. Just not coordinated enough. I know I tried and that is all that matters. I gave it a very good try. Sometimes you have to work with what God gives you. I did not want to even use bottles that is how gung ho I was about breastfeeding. I wanted exclusive nursing. That all went downhill really fast when my babies would not nurse and actually got low blood sugar from starving because I could not nurse them. In the end a formula fed happy baby is better than a starved baby. Don’t feel guilt. I know a lot of moms who had the same situation happen to them. Thanks for sharing.
I wonder if you realize how off-putting the first half of your story is? I have sympathized with you if you didn’t spend the first half of your post making mocking or derogatory statements about sling use, natural birth, and people who care about breastfeeding. Your post is actually pretty engrossing and gives an honest perspective of how it must feel to be on the other side of the breastfeeding issue. It might have resonated more if you weren’t such an insufferable bore for the first half. BTW, and I mean this kindly: but most of that guilt (and the feelings of being judged by breastfeeding mom) is self-imposed. I doubt any of those moms in your playgroup wanted to do anything other than help you, given you seemed to be so discouraged and upset about your situation. I’m sure they appreciate how you characterized them, though…
Thank you for this article. I exclusively pumped for 6 months with both of my sons and while it worked for me, I still wish I could have been like my more “natural” counterparts.
I did not find ANY part of your article off-putting, but everyone will have their opinion. I am just really glad you put your story out there so that other EP-ers can read it and breathe a sigh of relief. The decision to EP is a hard one and can make you feel like crap- my mother in law made a comment about me “not really nursing” along with other snide comments that made her feel good and me feel bad. What she (and some others for whom BF came easily) didn’t realize is that when you aren’t able to be successful at feeding your child in the most natural way, you feel horrible. I hope you feel good about the commitment you made to your child and that you were able to give him some breastmilk… I know I am.
Thank you again for your article.
When my daughter went on a nursing strike at eight weeks, I had no choice but to pretty much pump exclusively, except for the night feedings, which were the only times it was easiest to nurse. Then, at around 12 weeks, everything clicked and nursing became second nature. I know what it’s like to feel like a slave to the pump though!
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Thank you so much for writing this. My daughter would never latch. I tried so hard and went to many lactation specialist and she would never do it. I pumped for her until she was six months. It is so incredibly hard to do this. The guilt is the worst part. Especially the people who say well you just didn’t try hard enough. Yes I did. Anyway, thank you again for writing this since it is a side of the story not often put out there.
So with you on this one. I see a breast pump and my blood pressure raises and my eye twitches.
I felt I failed my twins, myself, and my husband.
But, like you, I was losing the time with my boys by being strapped to the machine. It was not fun.
I only made it five weeks. I too feel the failure just thinking about it even though my body just wasn’t making enough milk. The supplementing was fine to give my boys some of my liquid health heaven, but that meant I had a bout 20 minutes of rest between feedings. Um, not even close to possible.
So funny that I thought of having another kid to try that and a VBAC. Good gracious we are hard on ourselves!!!!
I wanted to breast feed very badly. My siblings and I were all BF and we had little extra money. I tried to breast feed and/or pump for 2 months. We did everything!! I drank over a gallon of water a day, took supplements that could start even an adoptive mom bfing. I was miserable. My daughter was hungry. I finally went to my ob/gyn who tested my blood and said I had almost no prolactin. I injured my pituitary as a child and probably messed up my ability to make prolactin and therefore breastmilk. I gave it all up and my daughter was only formula fed. I felt guilty every time we had to buy formula. I felt like a broken woman. I had to pack so much every time we went anywhere and if I didn’t bring enough she was hungry until we made it to a store or home. My best friend repacked her diaper bag about once a week because she BF. I was so much easier for her. 4 years later I still get a twinge when I see mom’s breast feeding. It’s getting easier but it annoys me that my body doesn’t work. On top of it I gained to unwanted cup sizes on breast that done even work. I know that most breast feeding Mom’s are cool and don’t care how you choose to feed your child, but for the BF crazies out there please realizes that for some women it isn’t a choice. I do thank God that we have formula today. I always remind myself that 150 years ago we would have been trying to drip milk through a rag, try to find a wet nurse, or my daughter would have starved to death; instead she is a happy healthy 4 year old.
I’m with you pheaa.
“But I also disliked the self-congratulatory culture of modern pregnancy, as if getting knocked up and deciding to keep the baby were some rare accomplishment.” Yes, it’s so very wrong to respect and revere a pregnant woman. What are you talking about?
“Breast is best” is not a cliche. Not breastfeeding does not make anyone a bad mother, but the idea that it’s not really totally true that breastmilk is absolutely, 100% the best thing for your baby is completely ridiculous. And you know that. It’s why you felt the way you did and hence this article.
You made a lot of sweeping statements here that are based only on your massive insecurities (Abortion in your past?).
First, I never understand why people think exclusively pumping is not breastfeeding. It’s not nursing, but it’s definitely breastfeeding!
I EP’d for nine months, pumping often 12x a day, and recognize a lot of my story in yours. You have my sympathy and my admiration.
why the bashing!? i mean, she admits she is jealous of the breastfeeding woman of the world and that she felt such a sense of failure. she is not being cocky or undermining anyone. she is simply laughing off a difficult trial she faced and letting others know they are not alone. as i sit here with my second baby (just 2 weeks) comically trying to get her to nurse right i feel like this article was a God sent find. i will still have at this bf thing, but i am glad to see other woman who understand what i feel. and, if i fail again, so be it…you will find me reading this article until i can also laugh it off for good too. thanks laura!!
@DC225 – Really?
This story reminds me of my own accept that I had previously hated the idea of breastfeeding and only even tried it bc I loved my child. So my first baby came along,a boy, and I whipped the boob out and like magic, he latched on right away and I was in love with how much I enjoyed definable to do that for him. Unfortunately, I had a c-section and caught mrsa and spent months fighting it a second surgery and was so sick, I literally couldn’t hold my head up. I had home healt& care nurses taking care of me but I would only let them prescribe me bfing safe drugs bc I was still nursing my son. Soon my body became too weak to even produce milk anymore and I was devastated. I nursed my milk back but I could never seem to catch back up to the demands of my quickly growing baby and was too tired to try any harder. He then became a formula baby. He is happy and healthy today. I did have a second child,she is almost 5 months and I now exclusively nurse her. She has never had a bottle. After what I went through with my son, I feel so proud to be able to do that for her
Your story is poignant. The real story is how having children changes us and surprises us again and again. I’m glad you feel your boy has “turned out” well at age two; how many parents can say that at age two? Not me, and my eldest is seven. But I hope that you can stop judging other moms, and in doing free yourself from the self-imposed judgment that weighed so heavily on you during your efforts to breastfeed. If you have more children, you will find that it is easier – no matter what you choose – after you have let yourself off the hook a little.
Breastfeeding to me was easy, like breathing. However, I felt the same emotions for a long time because both oF my kids were C-sections. I was told I hadn’t tried hard enough, that I had been bullied into it, etc. I felt like s***. It took a long time for me to really feel that it didn’t matter how the babies were born, just that they were here and safe. I just wish that moms would give it a rest and be supportive. We’re all doing the best we can at each moment.
Both of my children struggled with latching on – no amount of nipple shields, lactation consultants, or “giving it time” worked. I LOVED my medela pump. I took it everywhere! I pumped for a year with both of my kids! My thought was – they were still getting breast milk – just a different delivery method. Also, because I went back to work at six weeks, it was the only way they would consistently get it anyway. Yes, I pumped A LOT! But, how is that different than if I had nursed? It is still time! My kids are happy and healthy! It all worked out!
I want to begin by saying that Moms who exclusively pump have NOTHING to feel ashamed about. I breastfed my daughter for 15 months and it came very naturally to me, but I hated pumping and can’t imagine how tough it would be to do that full time (I probably would have just thrown in the towel and switched to formula so kudos to you for sticking with it). However, I am getting so tired of all of these derogatory articles decrying ‘lactivists’ or ‘breastfeeding nazis’ (what an offensive term). I have been on countless parenting websites and message boards in addition to working with pregnant women and child birth professionals for a living and I really do not know who and where these so-called bullies are. It seems, as a pp mentioned, that a lot of this guilt is self-imposed and tearing down other mothers for maybe being proud of nursing or talking about the proven benefits of breastmilk serves absolutely NO ONE. Get over it and move on.
This was sincerely one of the best articles I’ve ever read on breastfeeding in my life. Kudos to you, your endurance, and your strapping kid, who doesn’t give a hoot if you’re the perfect mom in your eyes or not, because to him, a perfect mom is all you’ll ever be…
http://www.brittanyperry.com
Holy cow, I want to share this article with everyone I know. My daughter was born 14 weeks early, but it’s not even that she’s a preemie that I have milk production issues — or it is (as my OB tells me), and it’s just that *all* the other moms with young babies in the NICU like mine are overproducers. Hmm, I wonder which. But it’s like I’ve got this double pressure to produce, bc my daughter was born so young, and she latches great — it is just my body not producing, even after trying medication, foods, etc. I still feel enslaved by this pump, and hate it, and am trying to congratulate myself for the almost-4-ozs. per day I produce (yes, 4 ozs) — and I’ll still try to stick with it (unless I come down with that terrible illness you did, yikes!) — but omg (even at my age, I will revert to teenage slang), your article has made me feel better than anything else I have read or heard over the last 4 months. Thank you so much. So, so, so much.
Mothering (in all its forms-from pregnancy to birth to breastfeeding and on) is such a hot button of shame. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves and each other? I so appreciate the honesty of this article and I appreciate babble.com for giving mothers and fathers the venue for vulnerability and authenticity.
I couldn’t breastfeed because my milk supply was too low. I pumped every two hours with my husband in the assembly line of cleaning out the pump, for 12 days and consulted with a very well known lacatation consultant by phone who was lovely and reassuring (and didn’t want to waste my money on a house call just yet). Then I had a stroke (never really found out why although the suspicion was the pregnancy). I was told that it was ok to breastfeed while I was on blood thinners but not a great idea to take those supplements to increase my supply at the same time. Honestly, it was partly a relief for all of us. I was very disappointed, I too felt like a failure, but our son was thriving on formula (we had to supplement from the beginning), we were getting more sleep and yes my focus could be even more strongly and intensely on the miracle of my baby. Fortunately I did not incur the judgmental attitudes- I beat myself up plenty especially since I was (and am) home full time with our son – but I was somewhat on edge each time I was asked whether I breastfed. I did my best not to be defensive about it. Thank you for this article -I hope it reassures many mothers like me and mothers who for whatever reason choose not to breastfeed in the first place.
My baby was born at 24 weeks, so the only way to establish my milk supply was to pump. She is home now and doing well, but she does need her milk thickened, so I still can’t breastfeed. I pump 5 to 6 times a day. I think about giving it up daily. It is difficult. We all do what we’ve got to do and make decisions for ourselves and our families that work for our particular situations. I will keep on pumping, but would never judge another mom if she decided to stop.
Laura, your story is my story, almost exactly. I’m still pumping at 4 months, and every day I think about quitting at 6 months. I, too, am a slave to my pump. I mostly do it because it’s free food for my son, but I dream of the day I don’t have to worry about excusing myself to pump every 3-4 hours.
In Tina Fey’s book Bossypants, she talks about her inability to breastfeed and all the issues surrounding it. That chapter really helped me realize I was not alone, and your post was equally comforting. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing this. I pumped exclusively for two months–same latching issues many of you have–and then miraculously, my son latched one day. But I still pump at work. It’s a major lifestyle decision–people (like some husbands) don’t recognize the magnitude and commitment of it. It’s really nice to encounter other women who empathize, even if it’s only online.
One other thing I’d like to say–and it’s for those couple of people who post bizarrely nasty comments–try to remember that the old adage about what you say being who you are. This also applies to blog posts. Your passion about breastfeeding does not make you a good mother–as Laura and some others of you pointed out here, your actions do.
Peace.
I have been breastfeeding my baby for a year now, and often have random women tell me their stories about why they were unable to breastfeed their babies. Personally, I don’t really care about how they are feeding or have fed their babies, but would love to have the magic word to say to them to absolve them of their guilt around this issue. All I say now is, “Yes, I was very lucky”. Any recommendations?
I loved reading this story. Thanks you for posting it
To all you judgemental people who commented with nothing nice to say, im assuming you all could breastfeed? I gave up after 3 weeks. I dont have to state my reasons why, especially to a bunch of random people but i do understand the feelings of guilt and the ‘assumptions’ of the other mothers who seem to raise eyebrows when you bring out a bottle. Even if they DONT critisize you, you cant help but feel like they are because of the ‘breast is best’ motto, which is plastered everywhere and forced down your throat at hospitals, classes, magazines etc. Im sure EVERYONE who gave up breastfeeding in the early days feels some sort of guilt. All for the same reason. They feel like they have failed.
This lady was simply explaining her side of the story, her emotions and her reasons on why she did what she did. We all do things differently and not everyone is going to agree but it was very brave of her to type this and not once did she ask anyone for opinions on her story.
I loved reading this and im going to share it with all my friends.
I love the fact that Babble posts these encouraging stories that remind parents that you aren’t the devil if you don’t/can’t do everything perfectly. Thank you, Babbly, because we can’t always be Supermom.
Thank you for this post. I am having post breast feeding guilt after stopping this past weekend after only six short weeks. I too like you extinguished all of my resources, and was a slave to the pump.
i am one of the rare women who do not produce enough to feed their baby. I was hoping the second time would be the charm, but it was not. Thank you for sharing your voice.
I’m having a hard time feeling sympathetic for her. Crucify me if you must, but um… a simple solutions would have been to oh, I don’t know… lay off the pump a litte? And yes, I breastfeed.. but I fought HARD for it. This time around, I spent the first 4 months attached to a baby *and* a pump due to oversupply. I had to pack up my pump and my baby and my 4 year old before I could go anywhere. I spent 2 hours a day pumping, even in the middle of the night, plus all of the other newborn feedings. My nipples? They were raw. They got better. Mastitis? I’ve been through it 4 painful, worst-illness-of-my-life times. I’m not trying to brag about myself, what I encounterd was no different than what thousands of other moms did. It saddens me that instead of offering support, her doctor just told her to quit and gave her pills to take away a substance that is called “liquid gold.” Her doctor didn’t tell her that it gets better. That she won’t always be pumping in the middle of the night. That alot of moms fall asleep on the pump. (guilty!) That thinks get more predictable and less crazy. How many woman just like her would get through it if they had the right support?! I almost quit with my first, but I was lucky enough to have a friend bring me down to earth. I wish everyone was that fortunate to have someone like that.
oh, yes, THIS. I pumped exclusively, 20 minutes every 20 hours, for 10 months, at which point my mind/body just sort of fell apart and my milk disappeared (despite fenugreek, “power pumps” and every other tip I could glean from the internet). I did the mastitis thing, I did the clogged ducts, I pumped blood. That effing Medela pump went EVERYWHERE with me; it was my second-place trophy. Not quite the BREAST best, but close?
I feel the very same twinge when I see a mom breastfeeding, and I felt that shame in whipping out a bottle. It’s so hard… but you did beautifully, and so have we all. In the end, we feed our babies. That’s all.
I feel exactly the same way- thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel a lot better!
I have the opposite problem, I have been breastfeeding for a year on the 19th. But I tried pumping and I can’t get anything out
I have no idea why? There were times that I didn’t have enough milk for my baby and had to give him a bottle of formula. God blessed me, it seems that my milk supply is perfect now. I think it could be because he is older and eats other foods and drinks out of a sippy too. But I believe you tried to give your baby the best and you did. That is great 
I totally empathize with the author and commend you for making it as long as you did. Pumping is hard and far more exhausting than nursing is (in my opinion). In spite of my daughter having a successful latch from the get-go, I have never been able to produce enough milk for her. She’s six months now and I’ve finally come to terms with my method of nourishing her: pumped milk, nursing and supplementing formula. But it’s hard and I often feel guilt that I can’t make enough for her on my own. So pumping is the only way I can give her something. The downside is I feel like I’m constantly tethered to my Medela bag. I long for the day when I don’t need to wake at 12 and 3 and can watch TV without being attached to tubes. I said I’d stop at 3 mths, but now I’m at 6 mths and am feeling emotionally tied to it and at this point, plan to keep going til she is 9 mths and then will stop at 1 year. That said, I might wake up one day and be done with it. Breastfeeding is such an emotionally charged topic and I could soooo relate to the way this author has felt. In fact, most people I know fall into one of two categories: under-suppliers with a great-latching baby or over-suppliers with a baby who struggles with latching. I don’t know of many people who have that happy balance of a good latch and good supply. So as moms, we do what we can and *try* to not feel guilty for our shortcomings, whatever they may be, and to focus on the good we are doing for our children–either by keeping going or stopping for our own sanity.
I feel you on that with my first baby i tried and tried she didnt wanna take to me and it was heart breaking at that time i could not afford a breast pump so after 2weeks of trying i just stopped and gave her formula my husband kept telling me you have to keep trying so i did and she cracked my nipples and i was bleeding ouch! so once again i said no im done i cant i went to breastfeeding councelers and still she would make me bleed so i stopped all together 3 years later she healthy no mager health problems at all and in my eyes a little to smart for her age. I now have a five month old and she took to my breast the min she came out and has been on it since. I love the bonding but with my unbreastfeed child i still had that bonding moment at every feeding. you did the right thing us moms have give alot up for our kids thats why we have the babies and not the men ..
Hey, that post lveaes me feeling foolish. Kudos to you!
This is one of the best bf-ing articles EVER. I am forwarding it to all my expecting and new mom friends!
I had twins at 34 weeks and they were to weak to latch on with out getting tired in a few minutes and failing asleep. So a pumping I would go every 3 hours! They are now just a few days over a month old – I tried latching again with shields etc – but honestly at this point I haven given up on the actual breast feeding – hey they are still getting the breast milk just through a second hand source of a bottle – plus I dont produce enough to feed both babies so I have to mix in neosure formula with each bottle.
I too always dreamed of breast feeding but once reality was here I didn’t let it get to me
I love this article, thank you!!! I tried to breastfeed but my son wouldn’t latch. Half a dozen nurses and two different lactation consultants couldn’t get him to latch. So I tried pumping. But what do you know, I couldn’t produce enough breastmilk! I pumped all goddamn day and took so much fenugreek that I smelled like pancakes, and I still couldn’t get more than two ounces in an entire day. Needless to say, I formula feed my son. But he’s a thriving, happy baby! I was formula fed, and so was most of the people I know. We all turned out just fine. Breast may be best, but formula is pretty damn good, too! People need to stop acting like formula is poison.
One more thing: “Letting go of the self-inflicted guilt” is easier said than done! I am very disappointed to see so many people bashing a new mother, especially since post partum depression is so prevalent.
You’re a champion. Thank you for this article.
How I agree with those struggles! To cut the story short, I was living in self inflicted misery of not being able to latch due to flat nipples, bruised nipples that took two over months to heal completely from switching on my pump to the max. The silliest thing was I’d excess in the freezer and it hurts so much to see the child wail and root only to get nothing except wait! We tried all ways of weaning her off bottle and put her through much suffering being tossed from bottle to boob during lactation visits etc etc.. All these while trying while exclusively bf-ing. Until one mth before I went back to work, I chanced on this nipple guard by pigeon that is shaped like a bottle. Thanks to that my dd is still on BM at 7mths. U can try that at the next one:) http://www.amazon.com/Pigeon-16174-PIGEON-Nipple-Shield/dp/B000BN90IO
Hi all! My dd surprised me yesterday by drinking through the normal medela contact shield yesterday! At almost 7 mths! She was introduced the bottle shaped shield at 3.5mth. I’ve come to understand that really there is no”deadline” to when we can get baby to latch. So too all who shared the same pains of not being able to latch the initial mths, dun be dismayed:) I had pressure to give formula too at some point when I dried up. It’s all bat personal choices and being happy with our choice.
Thank you for sharing your story. My son wouldn’t latch either, so I pumped exclusively for five months. I felt tethered to my pump… 30 minutes, 8 times a day… but I so desperately wanted him to have breast milk. As my supply started to dip and our frozen stash waned, I felt part sadness and relief. Sadness that I couldn’t continue to sustain him with my milk, but relief that I could finally ditch the time consuming pump routine. I thought formula would be awful, but he’s done great on it. And even though I still mourn the fact that we never had a true breastfeeding relationship, I try and find comfort that I gave him my milk while I could. Every day he ate from me was a gift, and I can take comfort in that.
Thanks for writing this – I have a beautiful 8 week old girl and we have tried everything including Dr. Jack Newman’s clinic in Toronto where most are guaranteed to have success. Between a very low supply (and a pharmacy’s worth of domperidone and fenugreek each day)and her difficulty latching it has been heartbreaking. I am still pumping (and will continue as long as I can) and giving her what I am able to produce but she is mostly being formula fed and I have to say she is thriving, very bright and extremely happy – what more could a new mom ask. So..with the help of articles like this and realizing that our challenges are not all that uncommon I am starting to feel less guilty and we are able to really enjoy bonding – there are so many other ways to bond beyond breastfeeding!
My daughter was in the NICU after suffering oxygen deprivation (she was born not breating and no heartbeat). Since she was on breathing support, we never breastfed. I pumped at her bedside, although her prognosis was very grim. She came home a month later, but was on an NG tube and had swallowing issues. She’s 13 months and I still pump exclusively. It’s a lot of work, but she’s worth it, and I keep at it.
6xkvKU Good post! Found a lot of new and interesting! Will share the link with others:DD
2iogcT Can be also this issue because the truth can be achieved only in a dispute
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