Hey Babywearing Mama, You're Doing It WRONG
emily
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Yesterday while running errands, I found myself in a bit of a “what would you do” predicament. As a self-proclaimed seasoned babywearer, I saw a mom wearing her new baby (the baby looked to be about 6 weeks old, tops) in a Moby wrap, the wrong way.
I’m positive the baby could have fallen out. She was wearing her baby in a fashion that was not secure or safe at all for the child.My shy and introverted self instantly started wrestling with whether or not I should approach this complete stranger.
On the one hand, unsolicited parenting advice from strangers is so annoying. I hate it when people I don’t know approach me with how to handle my children. And in order to help her, I probably would have had to touch her and her baby, which would have made me uncomfortable. Stranger anxiety? I have it big time. Additionally, I would have had to approach her in a very busy parking lot (as we were walking out of the store, each of use with a cart full of groceries), and I had all 4 of my kids will me. Yes I know, only crazy insane people bring 4 kids under 7 to get groceries on a busy Friday afternoon.
On the other hand, the baby was not safe the way the mom was wearing the wrap. I know first hand how horrible it feels to drop your baby, and I would hate for her (and the baby) to experience that. Additionally, wearing a baby in a complicated wrap is tricky at first. Those big long pieces of fabric take some finessing to get them worn just the right way, she was probably just inexperienced and didn’t know better. Maybe she would have appreciated my help?
I’ve thought long and hard about this. If I was in her shoes, I think I would want a stranger to tell me I was doing it wrong. I probably would walk away feeling like an idiot, but moving forward I would be grateful for the help and instruction.
Ultimately, I let the woman and her baby get to her car and drive away. Did I do the right thing? Nope, I don’t think so.
The right thing to do would have been to very politely and lovingly helped her out. Not in a ” know-it-all” sort of way, but in a “Hey, it’s cool, I got your back” way instead.
So yes. Next time, I’ll totally approach her. But hopefully there won’t be a next time.
How about you? What would you do if you saw a woman (or man) wearing their baby in a dangerous way?
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More Babbling from Emily…
I am SO new to babywearing and I would have TOTALLY appreciated someone saying to me, “excuse me, I really like your moby. I just noticed that baby seems a bit wobbly in there, are you sure you have that right?” Because then I could say, “I got it!” or, more likely I would have said, “Really? UGG! I am so new to this, I know you have a million kids, but could you show me what I did wrong?”
It’s all about how you say it I think. Like maybe, “Oh wow, I LOVED my moby, isn’t it great? It’s sort of hard to figure out though, would you like me to show you how to do it so it feels more secure?”
That said, I’m really not sure I’d have the guts to say anything. It’s so hard to be new at all this, I’d hate to make someone feel like they’re failing, even a little bit.
I totally would have not known what to do. I JUST saw a brand new ftm at the grocery store the other day (brand new car seat and blankets and she was beaming with dark circles and buying maxi pads and dermaplast lol) …. She had the baby in the car seat with a blanket over him…. But rather than having the blanket over the sun shade she had the blanket flat across the baby?!?!?!! You could see his teeny fists and feet moving around!!! She had the blanket up to the top of the car seat. I really wanted to help but I slinked away.
I’ve TOTALLY struggled with the same thing. It’s easy for me to get up on my Safe Babywearing soapbox with expectant moms, but if someone’s Doing It Wrong, I’m too shy to tell them so, unless they ask.
It is such a hard situation, and I struggle with it often! I don’t think there is a “right” thing to do. You don’t want to offend anyone, but you also don’t want to see a baby in danger.
I hate when strangers approach me to give me some unwanted parenting advice. My most recent episode of this happened last week when I was carrying my cranky and teething baby in my arms through the store. A man wearing what appeared to be a burlap sack as a skirt (seriously…it was like a potato sack kilt) told me “you need to get a sling, sister”. I laughed and told him I had a stroller with my husband up ahead. He got all serious and informed me that slings were better (since when have strollers been the devil?). Irksome. Anyway…if it comes to a baby’s actual safety then I think you should go for it. I might hate the nagging women at the grocery store and vent to my friends about it later, but I’m sure I would still consider what she said. By speaking up you might keep a baby from hitting the ground, even if it makes you THAT person.
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What about a little white lie as a face-saving measure. Saying something like “It looks like your Moby’s slipped a little. Would you like me to help you get it secure again?” That way, you can help to show her how it’s done while not acknowledging that she’s flat out wrong. With the carseat/blanket scenario, maybe you could say “It looks like your baby’s blanket has slipped onto his face. I wasn’t sure you’d noticed.”
I usually hate unsolicited anything from strangers… but I have an almost 8 week old, and I’d like someone to tell me if it had slipped. You know, in case I missed it in the 15 seconds between checks.
I don’t know anyone else that uses a Moby wrap, so I’ve been kind of fumbling my way through it. So far so good, but I’m sure I have more to learn.
Wow, I have just found your blog! Look forward to reading Lots more…
I am pregnant with baby number 4, I had twin girls first, have an almost 5yo boy and soon be our caboose, a boy rounds us out. When our twin girls were young, it seemed everywhere we went we were stopped for every question or thought imaginable. I write this as those days I was just trying to get thru the store, let alone the day…lol. So i was not too crazy to talk to strangers….that being said….
One day I freecycle’d a rug and this sweet mom who came to get it for her maybe 14 month old son and I had carried it to her jeep. We started talking and I noticed her sons car seat was practically swaying with the wind. I could not even listen to what she was saying anymore as I was so consumed in how to approach her in correctly installing a car seat, in the back seat without hurting her Mom feelings. This was several years ago and I cannot even tell you what I did say, I can tell you I Never regretted telling her!
I would do it again, as after the moment passes, I do believe any Mom is, would, be always happy to have ~any~ info to keep their babies safe.
She ~was~ very happy to learn the correct way, ~thankfully~, yet even if she was offended, and my words did not come out the way I planned (this happens way too much for me….
Blessings….
Cheryl
i think it all depends on how you say it. how Meagan suggested by admitting it was confusing to you and you had noticed baby slipping and you were concerned is a good way to do it. make sure you ask if she would like help BEFORE you touch her or baby too…i had a few different wraps and they all took some time to learn how to use. better to speak up and be told to back off ( shake it off) then be scared and let baby fall..
This is a tough one. I’ve struggled with my Moby wrap, so if I were the mom, I think I would have appreciated some help. But I think you have to approach it very gently and ask her if she wants help because new moms are constantly bombarded with unsolicited advice.
I hate, hate, hate when people point out things I am doing wrong so I probably would have replied with something snarky and walked away. Especially if you are with an infant, tired, exhausted even, and just trying to make it through the grocery store. New parents get assaulted all the time with people trying to be “helpful” and most people are just being annoying and pointing out things you already know. Parents need to learn on their own how to do things and this is no exception
I HATE unsolicited advice. And being pregnant for the first time, I’ve already gotten plenty of it. Most of the time it’s stuff that doesn’t really matter how I do it, and everyone just thinks their way is best. But if I was doing something wrong to the point that it could hurt the baby, I would appreciate someone pointing it out – in a nice way. Even if it bothered me at the moment, I would be grateful later. And then I would feel bad for not being grateful in the moment lol.
i may have told a white lie and asked her how they were suppose to work. Maybe had her re wrap it and show me and while re wrapping it, maybe “figure” out how to use it and both figure out the right way. I know i would get defensive if someone told me and showed me the right way, but secretly thanked them and tried the right way next time.
I would have really appreciate a tip from a seasoned baby wearer. It take a village to raise a child …
The main reason I didn’t or havent gotten one is because they just look so damn confusing. She might have been more than happy to have you help her out and show her how to use it.
I sold Moby wraps when I was working at an AP friendly store while preggo with #2
Every FTM I sold one to got a crash course with the use of a weighted doll over their 3rd trimester belly. Any of those ladies would have jumped at the chance to learn for real from a seasoned mom using their real life babies. It makes a big difference. And the worst they will say is no!
I’d love to have help with baby wearing when the time comes for me to do the “new mommy” gig again. I used a front pack with my son for about 8 months, but that plays heck on your back.
lol love this.. I think I would have gone up to her.. tough call I know, but hey all moms gotta learn, and I think i would rather learn from a stranger cuz, A) it would make a funny story, or B) I would learn something with out having anyone I know find out how stupid I was lol..
but I dont for see this happening to me, cuz where I live I am the only person that wears my kids. 
ppl look at me like WTH! lol 
I would totally love it if a baby wearing mom would give me some pointers. I ALWAYS feel like I’m doing it wrong but I’m the only baby wearer I know. I’m at the point right now where it would be really easy to give it up. For example…do you guys wear yours the entire time you’re out or do you take it off and put it back on every time you get out of the car? Also…how high up the baby’s back is the back strap supposed to be? And are the baby’s feet supposed to stick out the bottom or are you supposed to try and smoosh them into the wrap too? My daughter is really long and I always feel like I’m cramming her in there unless I pull her feet through so they stick out. lol…so as you can see…PLEASE don’t be afraid to approach. Just maybe say “Hey…I LOVE those…don’t you? Do you have trouble getting your baby in and out of them like I did?” Something like that. lol
Not only would I say something but I have said something!
I honestly would LOVE someone to approach me and help me with my Moby. In fact I rarely use it (use the baby Bjorn instead, which I hate) because I can’t figure out how to get the baby in there.
Though I really dislike getting advice since I am a know it all first class, if it makes my baby safer I am all for it. I think that sometimes we forget that it takes a village….
my sister in law has a large gap between her two kids almost 8 years…when she was pregnant w her son two years ago i asked her what she needed. she told me sh was going to reuse my nieces crib. i said oh how nice what does it look like and she showed me the nursury. it was a drop sided crib!…it was loose and poorly put together…i said sternly and honestly that those are illegal now because of all the deaths. i to,d her alot has changed in eight years and she really should consider using my sons crib instead she looked concerned i sent her the articles online…she still used the crib, so sometimes advice falls on deaf ears anyway
If I was wearing my baby in an unsafe way, i’d appreciate someone helping me out. Depending on their approach.
I would have addressed the situation saying something like “I love your moby wrap! I used one for all 4 of my little ones (shows experience)… before I got the hang of using one tho, my baby slipped out and I almost dropped her. (shows that she’s not an idiot and it’s a common mistake). Then you could point out a safer method.
A mom came up to me at McDonald’s – my baby was not happy to go back in the carseat – my first hadn’t been like that! She came over and just cheerfully said “My girls always needed a little extra padding to get comfortable – i slipped a receiving blanket, folded, under the liner of the carseat.” I tried it, and it worked!! I’m glad she wasn’t too shy to share what worked for her! I think it would depend if the mom looks totally exhausted and frustrated, maybe she doesn’t need to get advice that day, but most bw moms do want to learn how to make it safe and comfortable…
I don’t mind unsolicited advice so much. I blame it on my big, opinionated family. I’m just used to it, I suppose. Lol.
I would say that I would prefer someone to point out if what I am doing is unsafe. I agree with pp that it’s about the approach.
I am such a wuss. I don’t know if I risk the wrath of new mommies to say something….but I would hope someone would say something to me.
I probably would have felt a little embarrassed, but definitely relieved for some help. I am expecting baby number two in July and want to get a wrap to help me keep up with my two year while having an infant in tow. I love my Ergo, but for while my new baby is still tiny especially after my c section I want a wrap that won’t interfere with the incision, and I keep watching videos on you tube trying to learn the right way to do the wrap.
I’m not so up-to-date on the moby wraps but I know I’ve suggested to more than a few moms that ‘hey, something just seems off about how your baby is in the carseat. It wouldn’t hurt to have one of those licensed places check it’ and they would fly off the handle at me saying how the baby was in fine. And I know it wasn’t, and what was wrong but I didn’t want to ‘attack’ the person. I tried several variations of suggestions (I think the chest clip on that might be a bit low, or those straps look a little loose, or are you sure the straps are tight enough?….) All with the same result. And I understand, it annoys the crap out of me all the people who think they can do my job as a mom better than me… so now I just keep my trap shut.
I’m not sure what I would do but I don’t have too much trouble talking to people (big mouth) so I would have made some excuse to tell her my opinion. I talk to people in the grocery line, etc. sometimes much my family’s chagrin. I can usually read people if they are open to chatting. Sometimes not. If she didn’t like it or said something snarky (no one’s done that yet) I would walk away knowing I did my best and if she chose to take my advice, great, if not, pray the baby stays safe. I’ll probably never see her again anyway. God puts people in our path for a reason, or us in their path. Maybe this time it was to give you courage for the next time so you will speak up.With any luck, she reads Babble.
Parenting advice and Moby wearing device is two different things! I took issue to a lady who offered to buy my daughter a stuffed animal at JCP when I told her to put it back while in line, because “I’ll buy it if you can’t she seems to like it”. Sorry if I want to teach her….just because you like it does not mean that you get to own it! but I loved that a parent helped me with the sippy cup that leaked like crazy because I had the valve in wrong!!! That is not parenting advice that is tech support!!!! We all need tech support because as my mom tells me daily, “I can’t help you with that thing, when you were a kid I let you sit on the floor of the car because there were no car seats” I think that the technology has changed and we need to get through this crap together!
When I first started using the Moby I’m sure I did it wrong. If I was out and using it wrong I would have no problem with someone coming up to me to help. But I do know some people that wouldn’t like to be told that they are wrong. I guess you could still tell them for your conscience sake. I’m struggling with the same issue for a mother who doesn’t buckle her child in correctly at all (the chest strap is buckled around the child’s stomach, that’s it! The belt doesn’t even go over the shoulders.)
I give opinion/advice whenever safety is a concern. If it means saving an infant from falling, choking, suffocating by all means share. I have 4 kids, 3 are grown and 1 infant. I look back at some of the stuff I did with my 1st when I was young and inexperienced and wouldn’t even think of doing now. I would prefer a stranger pointing out a safety issue to me than the nerve of the strangers that come up and want to see the baby or touch the baby. Minor issues like which wipes or powders are better. Not unless I ask. If you see me pondering over a big ticket item that you bought and didn’t like or loved please share. If I’m going to spend a few hundred dollars on something of course I would love to talk to someone in persone about the pros and cons. My mom taught me the definition of an opinion or advise. You take it or leave it.
I would’ve welcomed the help really!! I’m new to the whole baby wearing world. I have a Moby and my baby loves it. I think I wear it right???/ she feels secure but I’d love the help. Is this baby in the picture in it correctly? Because that’s what my Mila looks like in ours. Thanks!!! Us mamas need to stick together and get off ur pedestals!
I think one should just tell what they are sure of what is right. No matter how you say it. Offended? Better than having them drop their kid on the ground. Let them feel offended, if that’s how they perceive good advice. This is at least how we Turks do it in Turkey.
I am a first time mom of an 8 month old. I feel like there is a huge gap between someone who just criticizes you and someone who is actually willing to tell you that what you are doing might be wrong and then show you how to fix it. If you had gone up to her and said “Ugh, your Moby is all wrong and that baby is goingto fall out, you’re the reason babywearing gets a bad name” that would have been bad. But next time you could say, “Wow, you have such a little baby, did you just start using your Moby? I’ve used one too, can I show you how to make it a little more snug?” If I was the babywearing mom I might feel foolish as anyone does when we get caught in a mistake, but afterwards I would be more happy that 1. my baby was immediately made safer and 2. i learned how to do it right for the future.
I am a first time mom of an 8 month old. I feel like there is a huge gap between someone who just criticizes you and someone who is actually willing to tell you that what you are doing might be wrong and then show you how to fix it. If you had gone up to her and said “Ugh, your Moby is all wrong and that baby is going to fall out, you’re the reason babywearing gets a bad name” that would have been bad. But next time you could say, “Wow, you have such a little baby, did you just start using your Moby? I’ve used one too, can I show you how to make it a little more snug?” If I was the babywearing mom I might feel foolish as anyone does when we get caught in a mistake, but afterwards I would be more happy that 1. my baby was immediately made safer and 2. i learned how to do it right for the future.
sometimes i wish other people would correct my hubby on things like this….then it wouldn’t be just me saying…hunny you can’t put the blanket over the baby that way it could suffocate or hunny the chest clip to the car seat doesn’t do any good if it’s down at her belly button! Would you ever approach a new dad, who was “doing it wrong” or just new moms?
I totally love the “tech support” line! I agree, it’s not about parenting advice (breast vs. bottle? crib vs. co-sleeping? public school vs. homeschool?) but about safety. A fall is SO dangerous to a baby — falling out of a carrier could cripple or kill a baby, and that parent will live with crushing guilt and grief for the rest of his/her life. Same for carseats. The stakes are just too high to take a “not my business” approach. I know it’s tricky though! I have taught babywearing classes and led a babywearing group for years and I still have a hard time as a “civilian” out in public where people don’t know that I have a lot of babywearing experience and the best of intentions! But I generally have found people really responsive to a friendly smile and an offer of help to “adjust” the carrier to make it more comfy for baby and parent.