How Much Influence Do Parents Have on Babies' Temperament?
Big sister C and baby sister G
Now that Baby G is nearing the 4 month mark, her personality is really starting to emerge. Jon and I both agree that if asked to describe her temperament, the words that would come to mind are “sweet” and “laid back.” Now that her colic has subsided, she’s just a an easy, happy baby girl who rarely fusses unless she’s very tired (and is asking to be swaddled, which calms her immediately) or very hungry. And then, once she gets what she’s asking for, she settles right back down and is happy again.
Even through her 3-4 week colicky spell, I’ve felt like she’s a very zen, happy baby since the first time I ever held her. She just gives off a sweetness vibe that makes me want to smile. Other people tell me the same thing. She’s like a tiny, sunshiney elf. Of course, a baby’s temperament in the first year isn’t always entirely predictive. I know lots of very happy kids who were inconsolably fussy infants, and vice versa. But with each of my own five kids, I’ve definitely seen the outline, the foundation of the child he or she would become by observing his or her temperament and personality during that first year.
For example, two of my babies were somewhat cautious and anxious from the very start, and those are traits that definitely followed them into childhood, no matter what I did or didn’t do as a parent. One of mine was full of energy as an infant, and he met physical milestones with tremendous vigor and enthusiasm. That one is now a 12 year old athlete extraordinaire. You see what I mean?
Ten years ago, I was asked to write an essay for an online magazine rebutting the central thesis of that season’s hot new book. called “The Nurture Assumption.” The book argued that parents have essentially NO influence on how their children eventually turn out. I argued against that position, making the case that how we parent our children matters a great deal in how they grow and develop over time. I still hold that position, even though since I wrote the essay, I have learned in the most painful, personal way imaginable, that no matter how hard we try as parents, sometimes our best efforts aren’t enough to overcome biology and other, non-parental external influences on our children. It’s a fascinating and somewhat unpredictable dance in human development – this ongoing nature vs. nurture interplay that shapes and molds our children as they grow. But since the only thing we CAN control is the nurture part, I still can’t imagine dismissing it as fundamentally unimportant, even as we see very clearly how much of our kids personalities are present on the first day we meet them as newborns.
What about your own kids? Have you noticed personality traits in infancy that seem to remain in place even as they move into childhood, meaning that the environment around them has more and more influence on their development? What personality traits in infancy do you think are most and least likely to hang around as a baby grows up? And what personality and temperament traits do you believe are most – and least – subject to parental influence? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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I totally agree! I am an adoptive mom so only 2 of my children came to me as infants but my now 6 y/o was always easy going and happy as a baby. However he was also very thoughtful and measured about what he wanted to do and when he wanted to do it. He was slow to talk and walk but had not real delays, just wanted to watch the world longer than my other children instead of jumping into it to see what would happen. He is a bright happy thoughtful first grader now. He still looks at the world carefully (packs himself a magnifying glass when we go hiking for instance, along with a sketch pad to remember important sights.)
My now 3 y/o daughter was a very unhappy baby but this was likely due to prolonged withdrawal from substances mom took daily during pregnancy. She wasn’t as big on cuddling, wanted to do for herself from a very young age (tried to grab the bottle early worked on physical milestones like turning over, sitting up and walking, all very early). She is now at 3 a very physically gifted little gymnast who HAS to have a lot of movement in her daily life. She learns through movement more than any other learning style. She is affectionate but doesn’t want or need the high level of touch contact that my 6 y/o still enjoys. It is fascinating, isn’t it?
My older son was 6 weeks early, like G and like G, took a long time to get around to smiling. He also had six very colic-y weeks. Someone gave me the book ‘The Baby Whisperer’ and at age 8 weeks, I decided my boy was going to be shy, quiet, serious – um, no. He is a serious extrovert who loves to be around other kids, but that wasn’t apparent until he started daycare at a year. Now, my younger son is 10 months and other than the fact that he’s much more physically adept (which could just be a function of the older’s prematurity) I’ve refrained from making any predictions!
I think it’s probably accurate that most babies show emerging personality traits, but I also think it’s important not to project or typecast. It made me so mad when I was watching Jon and Kate plus 8 because they immediately put each kid into a ‘character’ slot.
When I went for my 18 week ultrasound, it took over 50 excrutiating minutes to get the measurements done. Usually takes, what, 10 minutes? But that fetus in my belly would have none of it — she didn’t like being poked and prodded, and fought back, stood up for herself! She kicked her legs, waived her arms, rolled forward, backwards, and rocked sideways. She was never still!! Still isn’t. It’s still tough getting her to bed as a 7 year old. She’s always popping up from the dinner table, from her desk at school, running everywhere… She’s a great athlete too, and more fearless than most boys (she taught all the boys at school how to slide down the bannisters). And she still has a profound sense of justice…
My son was completely different. Like G, he came early and small, and had colic. And through all that, he was the most lovely and cuddly little soul… He was gentle and loving then, and is so now, as a 4 year old. He’s been flirting and telling jokes since he could smile… and now, well, my jaw hit the floor when the crusty, formal old battle-axe of a directress at our Montessori cried out down the school corridor when she caught sight of him”Come here my Viggo, and give me a big hug and kiss!!”. And he did. In fact, ever since he started Montessori last year, he has been surrounded by a bevy of older adoring females who insist on taking off his shoes, and teachers who are charmed by him. And he and his best friend take turns playing Spiderman and Batman, and bring each other presents.
It’s so hilarious to see the differences, and needles to say, I am firmly in the “Nature” camp — they come out how the come out! All we can do as parents is protect them and guide them a bit.
My youngest of 6 is now almost 14. Here’s my take. For many years I really thought that our parental nurturing made a HUGE difference but have come to believe that although it had some influence, overall, nature rules. I now know that our kids were essentially who they were going to be when they were born. I think that parents who work hard at positively parenting are much more likely to believe that their nurturing will have a profoundly positive effect on their kids. My advice to newer parents–it surely doesn’t hurt to nurture well, but don’t be surprised that it doesn’t make a huge difference in the overall outcome.
extraversion / introversion and thinker/do-er are very much nature. Each person has both sets of traits in them but you see the dominance of one over the other very early on. Even at 8 weeks old my son was happiest out in the world interacting with people– even perfect strangers. People always comment on how extraverted he is and I always say “He was born that way.” Because he was!
I think parental influence has little to no effect on a child’s personality or temperament. That’s not at all the same as saying parental influence doesn’t matter in how your children turn out.
Nurture matters most when it is NON-nurture. That is, abuse and neglect have a huge impact on how kids turn out — how they feel about themselves and how they treat others. Maybe temperament (intro- or extro-verted, happy or anxious) stays more or less the same, but only “more or less.” It seems that good-enough parenting is the default that humans need; TERRIFIC parenting not necessary. But abuse and neglect are just plain bad.
As a parent of 3 children (5, 3, and 2) I’m always thinking about this concept of nature vs nurture. My kids are noticeably very different from each other in personality traits and even interests. Of course, I’m not the same mom I was 5 years ago, so that has to be taken into account. My oldest child did not have the same mom when he was 2, that my 2 year old has now. What will that mean in the future? Who knows.
I think the whole nature vs nurture concept can be seen with more clarity when you meet children who have been abused, and then you see what they’re able to do with their lives when a nurturing guardian/counselor/foster parent/adoptive parent steps in. That’s when the case for nurturing becomes very strong.
If all children had the same resources available to them (financial and emotional), we could really start to see how much nature plays into effect. But for now, it’s glaringly obvious to me how much “nurture” can affect a child’s life.
Oh, I agree with Clisby! The personality/temperament are there from the start, but there is still plenty for parents to work with.
I only have one child, but I do have 9 nieces and nephews (the oldest is 5.5 and the youngest is two days old). I could see the social, the serious, the diva in all of them from the start. And in my own son, I could see he was serious but social and quirky as all get out. Seeing him for who he is, and not who I think he should be, helps me parent him.
Mine are probably too little to comment too far…but I can say that they were both VERY busy in utero, and neither holds still very long on the outside either. My older child has been very vocal and very social since he was a tiny thing…still is, even though he should be at “the shy age” right now. And I see my temper and stubbornness in him too…which is probably nature because I try like heck to not let either of my traits be seen around him!
I agree that parents have very little effect on their children’s inherent temperamental traits, but they can have a huge impact on how the child grows to feel about himself or herself. A child who’s naturally cautious can be gently encouraged by parents who support and accept him, while the same child can be made to feel guilty and ashamed by parents who don’t understand. I think the best thing any parent can do is try to observe and learn what each particular child is like, and work to help that child accept and love herself.
I grew up a hot-tempered, impulsive, fairly irritable child with a mother who thought I was awful because I wasn’t like her. Now that I’m parenting two children who are very much like me, I try to help them see the good things in their temperament, and let them learn from my own struggles with temper that it’s possible to overcome the negatives while celebrating the positives.