Jeans are vital in my world. I’m a stay at home mom so I need clothes that are comfortable, durable, and give me freedom of movement. I need to be protected from the elements during outside play and I need my underwear hidden, even when I’m on the floor with kids. In short, I need jeans. I need them nearly every day.
I also need them in a different size than the ones in my drawer are. I’ve lost a good chunk of my pregnancy weight already but not all of it. All those donuts I ate are clinging stubbornly to my waist and hips. I’ve been making do with some clearance-rack shorts and maternity capris with a drawstring but that was always a temporary solution. I knew a time was coming when I would need to put on pants with an actual button. I was just trying to delay that day for as long as I could in the hope that would be able to squeeze into my existing jeans wardrobe. No such luck. The weather has changed and I need jeans now, no matter what the size of my butt is.
So, I’ve been shopping for jeans and GOOD LORD. It’s only the hardest clothing-related thing I’ve done since I told a close friend that the bridesmaid dress was lovely and I would certainly wear it again. Nothing works with my body. Or my sense of style. I don’t know who’s designing jeans but they are not my friends. In fact, I think they’re actively conspiring against me. I’ve been shopping for jeans for a week now and I have a few issues to discuss.
Now, first of all, can we just dispense with the notion of skinny jeans? Yes, they can look very sleek and stylish on a 16 year-old but on me, unless they’re paired with a thigh-length top, there’s some very unslightly bulginess being emphasized by the tight fabric. And I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t deserve the privilege of skinny jeans so it’s baffling why they dominate the marketplace.
Next, we need to talk about rise. Low rise is clearly out of the question what with my tummy looking a bit like all the donuts I enjoyed during pregnancy. I need a little more camouflage and support, plus that whole underwear coverage thing. I had high hopes for some of the jeans that bragged about tummy-slimming technology but when I put them on, they were just SNL-worthy mom jeans. The waistband was up near my belly button, the slimming technology inhibited breathing and my crotch? Shall we just say there was a bit too much definition of that area and leave it at that?
Now, let’s discuss fabric color. The dark washes are cool and all but if there’s a big tag on a pair of jeans telling me it needs to be washed specially so it won’t bleed indigo ink all over everything else, I’m walking away. I don’t have the laundry bandwidth to separate bleeders from the rest of my darks. If jeans can’t play nice with the rest of my wardrobe, they can’t hang with my clothes.
And finally, I want to have a little chat with the people who’ve been doing the ordering at stores in my area. Go look at your shelves. You will find that they are fully stocked with sizes 2-8. But if you try to find anything in the 10-14 range? Bupkis. That’s because there is tremendous demand for those sizes. Please, please, please, adjust your supply accordingly. Send the jeans for skinny people to whatever planet they inhabit and let the suburban moms have our sizes right there in the store.
I did finally find a couple of pairs of jeans that will get me through the next few months but the process involved driving to many stores, rifling through many piles of jeans to find the right size, and many vows to lose weight and lose it fast. Although, I’m in no rush to go out shopping for jeans again, even if it’s to find a smaller size.
Photo credit: photo stock
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