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Lactationally Speaking, Your Boobs Will Like This One

Oh golly, these days I am a milk machine! These boobs! These glorious, glorious boobs!

For a flat-chested girl like myself, this new rack of mine is nothing short of miraculous I tell you. I tend to treat my new boobs as though they were gentle newborn chicks. You know, soft and sweet and meant to be cooed to. Is that weird? Just go with it.

I feel especially proud of all these fat rolls I’m making on this kid of mine. Good glory they are delicious, and he is a hunk a chunk! Good job, my ladies!

Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. Who said that, Obama or something? And I take the responsibility of milk-making very, very seriously. So these days I am eating with the express purpose of supporting my milk supply.  And maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Twizzlers are just the trick for making me some real good milk…

After the jump — Foods That Boost Yo Milk Supply. Both scientifically proven and, uh… not so much.

1. Oatmeal

Okay so this is a real thing: Oatmeal is good for your boobs. I’ve always loved oatmeal, but when I heard it was a lactogenic food, I suddenly loved it on purpose. Here is how I get my daily oatmeal in, even if I’m one-handed: Nuke a half cup or so of rolled oats (just covered in water) for one minute. Drizzle some honey on top, toss on a handful of almonds (nuts: also good for milking), add a splash of soy milk, stir with a spoon to get things grooving, and then eat it while bouncing your fat baby on your hip. IT’S TASTY.

2. Olive Garden Unlimited Salad & Breadsticks

This one is entirely anecdotal. My mother swears up and down that within hours of meeting girlfriends for the unlimited salad & breadsticks at the Olive Garden when she was lactating, she would make the world’s greatest milk. (I don’t remember, obviously, so I can’t vouch for it, but on another note, how weird is that word “lactating?” LACTATING.)

3. Trader Joe’s Roasting Vegetables Mix

There is this bagged vegetable mix I sometimes pick up at my local Trader Joe’s that gets my boobs tingling with excitement every time. And according to science, I might be onto something here: Studies show that carrots, garlic, and fennel are all lactogenic foods (as is brewer’s yeast and barley water (BEER, ANYONE?), and also black pepper, sparingly).

4. NYC’s Shake Shack

This is my personal theory, anyway. Nursing moms, get thee hence to West 77th and Columbus Avenue! (Get the cheese fries. Trust me.)

5. Twizzlers (BUT NOT SNICKERS FOR THE LOVE OF BOB!)

Every time I eat Twizzlers before nursing I swear my Huckleberry winks at me. Not Snickers though. Oh gosh, those were dark days.

So, you tell me: What foods put yo boobs in the mood? Similarily, what foods have you learned to avoid? Like, say, broccoli? (Maybe it’s the nougat?) (Seriously though, sadface, I really miss my frozen Snickers.)

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