Mom Confession: I Wish My Kids Looked More Like Me
The triplets
I was shopping with my 2-year-old daughter, Violet, yesterday. We were at Wal-Mart playing our usual game of bumper carts with what seemed like every local yokel who apparently desperately needed to shop at one o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon.
Seriously, what is it with Wal-Mart? Is it ever not crowded? And, my God, where do these people come from? Other planets? But that’s mean, isn’t it? Unless you’ve been to Wal-Mart recently and then ye know I speaketh the truth.
So we had one of those awkward “dance” games with a lady coming straight at us. You know, where you go left, the other person goes left, you go right, the other person goes right and then you both courtesy laugh with embarrassment? One of those. We dance the jig, laugh and maneuver around each other. A few minutes later we pass the woman again and she stops me and says “Your daughter is beautiful! She looks just like you!” I stop in my tracks, nearly French kiss the woman (she was pretty cute) and then tell her that she’s basically one of the only people to ever tell me that because the kid? She looks EXACTLY like her father. The woman says “What? Really? I think she looks just like you!”
I was beaming. My daughter looks like me. I’ve never been told that by a stranger before. A stranger who has no vested interest in my feelings and isn’t saying something just to please me. It may seem like a vanity thing, like, I think I’m so beautiful I want my offspring to be beautiful as well. It’s not that. It’s just that, well, I dunno what is it that makes us want our children to look like us? Is it some sort of biological need? However, after looking at this photo of me and Violet I think Wal-Mart Lady was out of her mind:
It’s not that I’m disappointed that Violet looks like Serge because I really love that this tiny little girl looks just like her Pop. But it would be kind of cool to look at your baby, the one you carried for nine damn months, and see a glimmer of yourself. I can tell that Serge really digs that the kids look like him and I just don’t know how that feels. I mean, look at this. I basically gave birth to my husband:
She continues to resemble him more and more every day. I had high hopes with Henry. Alas, little dude came out looking just like his Pop. For a while it looked as if God might’ve thrown me a bone because Henry’s eyes seemed to be turning blue. I have blue eyes and Serge has greenish brown eyes. What is that, hazel? What the hell color is hazel? I used to think it was grayish but Serge calls his eyes hazel and they’re greenish with brown in them. Is hazel the color you say your eyes are if they aren’t really a definitive color?
Anyway, Hankster’s eyes seem to be turning the exact color of Violet’s when she was his age. Oh, there is still a glimmer of hope they might turn blue but I think that’s just wishful thinking on my part.
I carried the children for nine months, puked my guts out, gained an assload of weight, spent hours and hours and hours daydreaming what the babies would look like and then pushed them from my body. Dad? What did he do? Had a little sexy time with me and then held my hand while I pushed? Yet there it is. The undeniable fact that both children look just like their father. In fact, they look so much like their dad and nothing like me that if he were the woman in the relationship I’d wonder if I even contributed DNA and would be giving the mailman’s eye color serious consideration next time he came around delivering packages.
I’m not alone. Amy Levin-Epstein recently wrote about Vanessa Coppes, a woman who wishes her baby looked more like her. Instead, the Dominican mom gave birth to a blue-eyed, red-headed baby who clearly took after his father of German and Irish descent. Levin-Epstein writes how people would often ask Coppes if her son was adopted. Levin-Epstein also interviewed Joanne Stern, Ph.D and author of Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life, who says many women are bummed when their children don’t resemble them. “This emotion isn’t surprising. A woman may feel kind of left out or separated. She’s the one who has gone through everything to bring this human being into the world and then she is on the outside of the family like a surrogate mother.”
Let me be clear: my children are beautiful and I wouldn’t change a thing about them. But they look SO much like their father that there was an initial twinge of disappointment that they look absolutely nothing like me or my side of the family. With everyone all the time yammering about how they look just like Serge I do sometimes feel left out. However, there’s still hope! Stern says moms should know that a physical resemblance can take years to develop and isn’t the only thing that makes family members appear similar. “As kids grow, more physical attributes may come out, like the way he holds his mouth or the way his nose grows,” Stern says. “Also, they begin to mimic your mannerisms, speech patterns, facial expressions.”
Have you ever felt this way about your child or do I sound like a narcissistic jerk?
UPDATE!! I researched the claim that babies look more like dads so dad knows the baby is really his… Check out what I find out!
I’m quite the opposite! With my turned up nose and huge booty, I’m glad our son looks like his father (but he did get my lighter hair and eye color) because his dad is pretty enough to be a girl anyway. Hm. Now that I’m checking him out, our son does look like he has a little Adonis booty coming on. I hope our daughter looks like daddy, too. Besides, Serge is gorgeous.
My Daughter did’t start to look like me until she was in her teens. Occasionally she would mimic some of my expressions but for the most part resembled her Dad. Now that she is older the situation appears to have reversed.
I am internally overjoyed when someone tells me my son looks just like me (which happens daily b/c, frankly, he does). The funny thing is that I don’t see it b/c to me, he’s just HIM. I see my dad in him, my nephew, my husband… I think I would feel a little disconnected if I felt like he didn’t look like me at all, so I don’t think you’re narcissistic in the slightest.
I hear ya – I feel the same way. To the point where I was scrutinizing the ultrasound pics to see if he looked like me or my husband before he was born. Alas, he’s a clone of his dad. Mind you, he’s adorable and there’s no other man I’d want a clone of around the house, but still, something of me in there would be nice….
My blonde and blue eyed cousin has four children with a philipino daddy. She often gets approached by strangers at the playground inquiring about international adoption….Not. Cool.
either way, your babies are absolutely beautiful! what a striking family.
nodtostyle.blogspot.com
I’m an adopted kid, and my mom always finds it hilarious when people say we look alike (we don’t, really) – but to me, it’s always happy, because it reinforces to me that we’re part of the same family!
I have the opposite problem. Well, not a problem–more of, like, an issue. My 13-month-old son named (you guessed it) HENRY looks exactly. like. me. And here’s the rub–I don’t think I’m cute. We have the same pale complexion, reddish-blondish hair and fat poufy lips. He does have small boobs, though, so that’s nice. I can see how much it hurts my husband, who has almost black kinky hair, lovely brown doe-eyes and a more olive-type complexion. I almost feel guilty, and I try not to point it out too often.
Your comment on hazel eyes made me laugh. My mom always told me to put hazel down on forms as my eye color, but I really think it’s just for eyes that have brown in them but aren’t brown. My eyes are blue/grey/a little green depending on what I’m wearing. But I still talk to people about what the heck hazel eyes are.
No kids of my own, but I can understand the frustration of not seeing yourself in your kids. My nephew looked a lot like his dad, except for his skin and eye color, when he was little. Now, it’s easy to see both his dad and his mom in his face. I’m sure your little ones will look more like you as they grow!
Thing one: If you’ve never been to http://www.peopleofwalmart.com, you are seriously missing out.
Thing two: It’s not fair that we do all the work and our husbands/partners get all the credit. Both my sons looked like my husband on their 3d us. When the first one was born,however, he looked just like all the babies born on my side of the family. We’ll have to wait until May to find out about the son I’m currently gestating.
Thing three: Violet may have her Dad’s eye color, but she definitely has your nose, mouth and face shape. I look at the pictures you post and try hard to figure out who your children look most like. I can’t decide. I think they’re a good mix. I love her dark eyes and blonde hair. It’s a beautiful and unusual color combination.
I know ahead of time that my daughter probably won’t look much like me, as my husband is Indian (genetically, anyway), and I’m pretty much the definition of whitey. So now I’m just holding out hope that she at least gets my boobs and his legs.
And I definitely have fears, along the lines of Abby’s comment, that people won’t think she’s mine. Although I’m more afraid they’ll think I’m a nefarious kidnapper than a good source of adoption advice.
I think Violet looks like you when you can see her lips. I’ve always heard babies look like dad so paternity can’t be questioned, before there were DNA tests.
my 15mo daughter is the spitting image of my husband, EVERYONE says so. He’s completely flattered over this and somewhat concerned, because he didn’t think he would make such a cute girl. He was so very wrong. That said, the kid has my ears. Just the ears, but they are exactly like mine to the point where i’m like, hey, those are MY ears on someone else’s head, crazy.
I have hazel (ha – brownish green!) eyes & brown hair…gave birth to 2 blond-haired blue-eyed boys (just like my husband). I have actually been asked if they are really my kids! Um, YES, I have the stretch marks to prove it…and even if they weren’t, what a weird question!
My husband insists that our older son has my features, but so far no one sees it but him. My younger son has my dad’s ears, so my genes are in there somewhere!
Hey Monica…I don’t have any children yet but I feel like I know what you mean. I am very white (Irish) with green eyes and the love of my life is Latin. I hate to admit it but I do get sad to think our children will probably not look like me. I love my man and also think he is beautiful but like you said if I am the one doing all the work I would like a little to show for my efforts (apart from the actual baby of course)
PS: I have always wondered if this sentence bothers Mothers “I don’t have any children yet but I feel like I know what you mean” Be honest
I always imagine anyone with kids reading that and saying there is no way you can know what I mean!
Also look closely don’t you think Violet has your eyes (minus the blue of course) and your eyebrow arches…
My kid is starting to look like me. Finally. But it’s hard to pick out those little things.
I definitely think that this changes over time, though. I have never though I looked like my Mom. We don’t have the same eyes, nose, mouth, skin tone, anything. But for the last 5 years or so people are always telling us we look alike. I think I finally figured it out recently: we have the same smile. It’s one of those things that’s not necessarily obvious, but it’s definitely a strong resemblance.
You’re not a jerk at all for feeling that way. It’s a natural, evolutionary thing. And it makes me glad I gave birth to the kid so there’s no question.
My kiddos look exactly like each other, but neither my husband nor I think either of them looks like either of us. However, we do get comments from people that they look like one or the other of us, but no consensus on which of us though.
) Just BS I guess.
It is funny though when you see some of your own mannerisms or odd-wording-choices mimiced (that just looks WRONG) by your kids, at which time it is certainly undeniable that your influence is there. When singing songs where I don’t know the words, I have a habit of singing, “something something something something” to the tune of the music. I had to chuckle when I heard my 5 year old doing the exact same thing.
I think Henry looks much more like a (brown-eyed version of) you than Violet, actually!
Both my boys look just like daddy. We joke that I was just the incubator. However, my 3rd year old is like daddy on the outside and mommy on the inside. His personality and weirdness is all me. I’m with you though, Monica, I feel a little bummed out about it but happy at the same time because I do think my husband is a handsome guy and that’s good for my boys.
WHAT?!? I’m not just trying to make you feel better, or want to french kiss me, but I truly think she looks a LOT like you!!!
Hey Sarah- I think it’s awesome that you brave the momma club and throw your two bits in. Just because you don’t have kids yet doesn’t mean you have nothing to say here. Sometimes my childless friends offer invaluable opinions and ideas just because they can see it from a different perspective, and plus, I think there is a mother inside each of us, really
I don’t know yet, will find out in about a month, but I have very low hopes for my recessive red hair/blue eyed genes against my husband’s dark hair/brown eyes. The only thing we both are is pale and freckly…so I have that going for me…
I agree, Henry does look more like you than Violet, right now.
We adopted our kids. We’re white, our sons are African American. I don’t think either of them looks a thing like us, except… the eyebrows. Somehow, someway, my boys and I share the same eyebrows. And because of that I’m always being told how much they look like me. “Oh, wow, you looks just like your mama! You have the same exact eyebrows!” I have to admit, it doesn’t bother me that my kids don’t really look like me (honestly I think they’re much prettier!) but whenever someone points out that we have a similar feature, well, yeah it does really boost the ego, even if it is all just a big coincidence!
I think you should take some consolation because Violet does seem to be looking more like you as she gets older (although I agree that she does still look more like Serge and they are literally twins in that pic of her as newborn), and Henry already looks more like you than Violet did at his age. Just give it some time – I think another commenter mentioned and I have heard it too that babies look like their dads for a biological/evolutionary reason – so the dads will know it’s their baby and want to take care of it. There can’t be any doubt who the mother is, so it doesn’t matter so much if the baby doesn’t look like her.
My daughter looks like me from the nose down and her father from the eyes up. It’s nice to see both of us in her.
My cousin, on the other hand, comes from a dark haired, dark eyed, olive complected mother (my aunt, whose coloring is a mystery to the rest of the fair haired, skinned and eyed family) and a fair skinned, red haired father. She has the reddest hair, fairest skin and greenest eyes I’ve ever seen. When she was little (2-5 years old) and people would see her only with my aunt, they would inevitably ask where she got her red hair. My aunt taught her to say, “From a bottle.”
Alas, Monica, I think the fact that infants and toddlers so often look like carbon copies of their dads is pure evolutionary survival. The cave man is a lot more likely to stick around to provide for a mini-me.
But given the number of mothers and daughters that are peas-in-a-pod once the little girl grows up, there is hope yet that Violet will grow to resemble you.
I think Violet has the shape of your eyes, both children have your full lips, and frankly, I think Henry is favors you with the exception of (current) eye color.
I too have hazel eyes and when I got my high school senior portrait done (the one where they colorize it and make it look like a painting), the portrait person asked me, when I told her I had hazel eyes, if they were hazel green or hazel blue. It happens that they are hazel green. I think the greenish tint is most common in hazel eyes, but hazel blue eyes are stunning if you have ever known anyone with that color. It’s kind of a grayish blue with flecks of brown. Definitely not true blue or a true brown. In my family my mom had dark brown eyes and my dad had blue-green. They had a true blue eyed, a green eyed and hazel eyed children.
I think the chances of your children having an eye color closer to yours are still pretty good. And as for who they will look like, that really will change over time as they grow into their “adult” faces.
Yep. I have brown hair and hazel (i.e. brown with a touch of green) eyes, pale skin and freckles. My hubby is a big, bronzed green-eyed blonde. Our kids? Bronzed with blonde hair. My daughter has my hubby’s green eyes and my son has beautiful baby blues. My daughter’s face is starting to resemble mine more, but because her coloring is identical to her dad’s, most people see him in her face. And my son, other than the eye color, is a mini version of his dad.
I’ve been asked if I am their mom (for real), told “Your kids are so beautiful! They look just like their dad!” (um, thanks) and asked where they got their blonde hair (if it wasn’t a cute old man, I’d have answered ‘the sperm donor I assume’). It sucks, but my husband is damn good looking, so I suffer through.
Secretly? I hope for a third kid who comes out with brown hair and a sprinkle of nose freckles.
My whole life I’ve been mildly obsessed with who-looks-like-who and I’m always trying to figure out which parent babies and kids look like.
But then in the strange course of life, I never expected my daughter to look like me, since I adopted her as an infant. But around age 2 or 3, I began getting compliments that she looked just like me (from strangers, who didn’t know that I was a single mom of an adopted child). I used to think it was strange, but now that she is almost 13, I see myself in her all the time. There are many pictures of the two of us together where we look totally alike. Of course it is just because of 12 years of learning facial expressions, mannerisms, and the like; but I’m secretly thrilled that my daughter looks just like me.
My daughter looks so much like her dad. He commented a couple of weeks ago how weird it was to have someone look so much like you around. She has his body type, long legs, funny feet, brown eyes, 1 sided dimple, curly hair. People keep saying she’s a perfect combination of both of us but I don’t see it at all. Not at all.
I’m pregnant with number 2. I’m hoping at least for my eyes. Vain? Yes. But so’s my husband so we’re even.
I think it does change over time . . . my now three year old looked just like daddy until recently and now everyone calls her my mini-me . . . now our one year old daughter looks just like daddy, and while I think she’s beautiful, I secretly want her to look more like me too (evolution I guess b/c I find my husband very atractive). In any case, your family is gorgeous and lucky that they have a mama who wants to be so connected to them
I can definitely see you in both your kids – especially the bottom photo of Henry and his dad, but they do look quite a bit like their father. Someone once told me that babies look like their fathers when they are born so that their fathers don’t disown them – so that they KNOW that they are theirs. They will grow and change and then probably eventually not really resemble either of you
If it makes you feel any better, my daughter strongly resembles my mother-in-law – so much so that people even make comments that she looks like her. Imagine breastfeeding your mother-in-law… don’t think I have to say any more. My nephew also looked exactly like my mother-in-law when he was born and eventually grew out of it…
Facially, I resemble my dad more than my mom. So I guess as a baby/toddler I probably looked a lot more like my dad. But my mom is thin and 6’0″ tall. Me? I’m thin and 5’9″ so people definitely say I look exactly like my mom (you know the only 2 giantly tall women in the room…). I’m secretly hoping my little boy comes out with my brown hair instead of his dad’s blonde!
As an adoptive mother, my daughter looks nothing like me. She is however gorgeous, with beautiful dark olive skin that makes my pale Irish skin even paler in comparison. I’m thankful to have a healthy, happy, beautiful child, period. I’ve never wished she looked like me, yet on a regular basis wish people wouldn’t feel the need to point out that she looks nothing like me. Not for my sake, but for hers. That said I also have a biological daughter who looks just like me, and I have never given her resemblance to me much thought either way.
My daughter looks just like my husband’s side of the family. When she was born she looked just like my sister-in-law. I about died! As she got older she has some of my features but she still really looks like her dad. I think that fact that she has dark hair and hazel eyes, while I have blond (dyed) hair and blue-green eyes breaks my heart. I always hoped for a little blondie. Although I am super thankful that she is so beautiful.
Now with me I am a cross between my parents. I look more like my dad but I resemble my mom a lot. It is just so funny how we feel like we need our kids to look just like us. The crazy part is that my step-son looks like me!
Babies may look like, but as skin color. grows as a face changes. Resemble the parent relatives. Adorable children.
I feel you on this one. I mean my son is absolutely beautiful, but the boy looks like a lighter version of his father! As he has grown (only 3 months old now though) he has started to look a lot like my brother. But somehow completely missed the look like mommy train. Although he does get his talkativeness and facial expressions from me. Funny thing is though, he is blonde haired and blue eyed. And strawberry blonde hair at that! Whereas my husband and I are both brown haired and brown eyed. He got the blue eyes from my family at least. (And I am actually quite thankful for that, I love his blue eyes and hoped that somehow his would be blue and I hope they continue to be blue).
That’s interesting someone said she almost feels guilty about pointing it out to her husband their son looks like her. I completely understand but on the opposite end.
My daughter is a CLONE of my husband and although he is very aware of my sensitivity to it, reassures me and doesn’t ‘rub’ it in, my in-laws are a WHOLE nother story! In fact, even my own family during Christmas couldn’t get over it. Ugh.
Like the author and well any parent, I love my child and am thrilled she looks like her papa. I’m thrilled she is her own beautiful, little person and wouldn’t change a thing about her… but. OK, kidding! Hah… seriously though, I hope it’s true what they say about time because it really does bum me out.
Oh one more thing – get this… For Christmas I came up with the bright (let me preface this by saying NOT) idea to give my mother in a law a framed ultrasound photo.
The first words from her mouth were, “She has MY nose!” As in, mother in laws nose. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
When she was born, same MIL scratched her head in amazement at my daughter’s black hair. She said she just could not figure out WHERE it came from. Odd she said. Hmm… Am I allowed to say she got it from HER MOTHER a**hat! Oh yes she did.
NO, it hasn’t gotten better. My little sweet pea is nearly a year and it is only getting worse. In fact, if anyone has any suggestions on how to get her to stop rubbing it in (whilst taking credit for my daughter as is she is her son all over again and SHE birthed her) I would be eternally grateful. In fact, I may even name my second child after you. Kidding, kidding.
So yes, you guessed it, as time goes on (she’s a year now) it has only gotten worse. She
I have the opposite problem. My son looks EXACTLY like me. He has his father’s hazel(brownish green ) eyes, and slim build, but otherwise he’s all me. I prefer dark haired guys, and always assumed I would have a dark haired child. Nope. Blonde like me. I think he looks so much like me I actually get offended when people say he looks like his dad.
There’s an old story that babies initially look more like their fathers so the fathers can be certain the baby is theirs.
My daughter looked so much like my husband I used to get asked which country we adopted her from. (My husband is Chinese and I’m of Scot-Irish descent.) As she’s gotten older-she’s 6 now-she still physically resembles him more than me but she has more of my expressions and mannerisms. When people say she looks just like me, I think it’s because of the mannerisms because I don’t see how my dark haired girl with lovely dark slant eyes and almost olive skin tone could look anything like her red head, ruddy fair skinned mother.
I don’t have kids, but I have a much younger half-sister who looks just like me. Which is odd since I’m pretty obviously of Irish/English heritage and my step-mom is mostly Italian, which dark skin and brown hair/eyes. Still the only way we can tell my baby pictures apart from my sisters (besides fabulous 80s style!) is that I was a fatter baby.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, cause at least in my family who the kid looks like seems to reverse with age.
I think sometimes it’s all in the eye of the beholder. After our eldest son was born, I became friends with a lot of other mamas with babies about the same age. I could see some of each mama in their baby. I met that dads over the next several months and saw those resemblances too.
My son apparently looked exactly like his Dad at that age and that was all I heard until the mamas started talking. Most of us heard the same thing from our families, but we were in there too!
Now I have two boys who both strongly resemble their Dad. One thing that helped me feel better was something I read before we had kids. (I think it was in “The Female Brain” but I’m not sure.) Mothers know who their children are, we carry and birth them so there is no doubt they are ours. A baby needs to look like his/her baby so the father knows the baby is his and not someone else’s and will provide for both the mother & baby. If it helps my husband bond with our babies when I’m exclusively breastfeeding and he feels a bit left out, I’m all for it!
My daughter is adopted and 5 now, and looks amazingly like us (more her dad than me, but still!) Even more amazingly, her brother (who is biological) looks exactly like HER! He has resemblances to us, of course, but they look like biological siblings even more than they look like OUR kids. I think when kids live with you they pick up your facial expressions and mannerisms and really do look a whole lot more like you than they physically do. So have hope! Maybe if they spend more time in your presence than Serge’s they will look more like you.
I felt guilty reading this because I recently commented on how much Violet looks like her daddy. I didn’t realize that this would rub you the wrong way. So sorry. But on the upside, at least Sergeant is a handsome fellow so you’re kids (and you) lucked out there.
This is going to blow your mind, but from the picture you and Serge actually look a lot alike. You’re like a smaller, fairer, more petite and feminine version of him: short noses, eyebrows, eye shape. I think you share a lot of physical similarities! (Probably why you’re attracted to each other
So, I think your kids pretty much look like both of you.
Your kidlets do look like Serge, though… I think Violet Flower resembles you in a way. That wavy , blond hair of hers is from you, no? I didn’t look like my family, and at one point I asked if I was adopted… I also have a very different personality from my sis and my parents. Serge is so thrilled with those kids, it’s kind of cute that they look like him so much!
No way! I think Henry resembles YOU more than Serge. Violet could be more on pop’s side, but Henry is totally you. I don’t know if it’s the eyes, or the lips, but I see you in his little face, and not so much Serge. Anyway, they’re both beautiful, and with age things may change a lot.
With my daughters, it’s funny ’cause when I meet people who don’t know my husband, they say that the gals resemble me a lot. When I meet people who know my husband, they say: “Sorry but they look just like their father, there’s nothing of you”.
I read somewhere that unconsciously the members of the family (relatives, grandparents, but also mothers) tend to emphasize the similarities of the children with their father and this is to make him bond more deeply with them, and to emphasize the fact that they are REALLY his children (they resemble you, so YOU are their father and not the gardener/postman/plumber).
Mothers have a strong bond with the offspring due to the pregnancy, and don’t need to be reassured of the fact that they are the mother, fathers develop this bond later, so maybe nature helps a bit with these daddy little faces!
My 3.5 month old son looks just like his father; they even share the ability to create a massive amount of earwax in a short period. My son looks so much like his father that someone said to me today, “I can tell he looks just like his daddy,” and she hasn’t ever met my husband.
So far the only physical attributes my son seems to have from my side of the family are my toes (great, toes are almost always covered up, and really who looks at toes anyway, ewww) and the family chin. The crummy thing about the family chin – I don’t have it. One of the two things my son got from my side of the family is something that I don’t even get to share with him.
I was adopted, and always longed to look at someone and see a reflection of my biology. (Never really cared to find/meet my birth family, just to be able to say “Oh, I have her hair and his nose, etc, etc.”) I was stoked when I found out my husband and I were expecting, and even more excited when the 3d ultrasound looked just like a photo of me as a baby (fat cheeks, no chin). Then I delivered my son. That kid came out a freaking clone of his father. And yes, it bugs the crap out of me. He’s gorgeous and I love him dearly, but I was hoping he’d get SOMETHING so I could see myself in someone. Oh well, all is vanity.
It used to bug me that my kids looked just like their dad and not me. Not anymore though. He died when they were 10, 10, and 13. Now I am so grateful to see his face in theirs and have such a sweet reminder of an amazing man.
We actually fight over who our daughter looks like! When she was born, she was a spitting image of my husband, but now that she’s a little older I can see me in there a bit. When we’re out and about, people will stop me and say, “Wow – she looks just like you!” But if my husband were there, they’d say she looks just like him…
I am dark brown almost black hair, dark brown eyes. my daughter is blond haired, blue eyed just like my husband. she looks exactly like him. do I feel cheated?? hell yes!!!!
but I feel like in a way it’s made me appreciate her more as her Very Own Person. I mean she is that, of course, but I feel less inclined to project my “stuff” on to her; expectations or desires. I always try to look at the bright side of things 
I clicked your Babble link off your blog and saw the post after the one linking to this post, while looking at the pictures of Henry and Violet I thought they look very much like you. I feel strange saying this to someone I never met.
My daughter is the carbon copy of me. I have a baby picture of me up in my house, and friends and hy hubby’s family are always thinking its her. When her eyes changed from blue to hazel (brown-green, blue when emotional) exactly like mine, my husband asked if I made her with no genetic help from him. Our son, on the other hand, is all him. Looks nothing like me!
I have not read all of these other comments, so I don’t know if anyone agrees here, but I MUST tell you that in my blurry eyed opinion that little Henry guy looks like YOU. He does and I will say it again…Like you. Oh of course he has some Bielanko features but I tell ya, were you to place your child in a row of kids, and I never ever laid eyes on your husband’s image…I would pick him out as yours. I thought that from the get go. Nothing against Serge, he’s all that any everything but Henry…Henry is Serge AND a Monica! Mostty you, I think… whatever that’s worth. Watch as he grows…see what I mean.
Oh yes, you most definitely have triplets…..and they are all gorgeous! I’m in the same boat as you. My kids resemble their father and his side of the family much more. But, what I do love, is that my son’s personality is just like mine. We are two peas in a pod. You will love see pieces of yourself in your babies…just in a different way.
I have five children, and with most of them, I’ve always said that if I hadn’t been in the delivery room with them, there’s no way I’d know they were mine. When they were little (amazingly, the youngest is now 15!), one daughter in particular was the exact image of her father. But when I went to her first parent-teacher conference in first grade and told the teacher whose mother I was, she said, “Oh, yes, she looks exactly like you!” Don’t worry – it’s in there somewhere!
ha, before i saw the link to this article, i was just thinking i wished you´d enabled comments on the kiddies photos so i could mention just how much violet is starting to look like you! you might notice the differences more because it´s harder to discern your own traits (or i find it hard). i do think violet is starting to resemble you, and both kiddies are absolutely gorgeous, so there you go
oh I disagree here, I think Henry is more like you too:) and both Violet and Henry are wonderful. Our son is half me and half his dad now but when he was born he looks like his dad and I can see how he is changing day after day, I’m talking about 4 months old baby, gosh I wonder how he is gonna look when he grows up
I feel you. My 2.5-year-old daughter is beautiful…and the spitting image of her father (if, you know, he was a she). He is now my ex-husband so it’s just me and her most of the time and I am constantly mistaken for her nanny/babysitter. Even at her doctor’s office, which she has been going to since she was born, the nurse will come in and say, “And your relation to her would be…???” HER MOTHER. You know, the one who pushed her from my body out into this world and cares for her on a daily basis.
You guys are the best (except you’re probably just saying it to make me feel better) but I was so excited that I showed Serge all your comments saying I look like Henry.
I have felt the same way with both my daughters – that people were wondering if they were mine. My husband & I both have brownish hair – his darker – & brown/hazel eyes. First daughter (6.5 yrs old) was born with crystal clear blue eyes like his mom & blond hair – second daughter (3.5 yrs old) with dark brown hair & dark brown eyes. I think 1st one looked alot like his mom and has some similarites to my family. 2nd daughter has daddy’s puffy cheeks but looks nothing like my family. They both have dirty blond hair now with curls – I had the curls too when I was little but now it is straight so no one can tell. I always felt like I could see resembles in everyone else & their baby but not me. I am lucky they are healthy, beautiful girls either way. Your children are beautiful too!!! I think they both have daddies eyes & that throws you off – but I think violet has your cheeks!
i want my boy to get his daddy’s long legs, tannable skin, and great lips, but i so hope he gets my blue eyes. tick-tock…we’ll know pretty soon. your kids are absolutely beautiful with their perfect little mouths that look just alike.
I think that sometimes it takes a person outside the family to see it. My husband and his mother deny that they look anything alike, but I see so much of her in him. She, like you, was really surprised, and quietly very pleased, when I commented on it the first time we met.
True, the likenesses to his Dad are easier to spot. There’s the matching noses, the face shape, even matching beards! The eyes, maybe the mouth too, are his mums. It’s more than just features though. A lot of the facial expressions are his mums and there is something else that I can’t quite put my finger on, but neither of those things show up as readily in photos.
I can really see Violet growing to look more and more like you as she gets older. Hang in there!
As for my own son, I LOVE it when people say he looks like me! He really does, except for when he looks like his dad
As for my own son, I LOVE it when people say he looks like me! He really does, except for when he looks like his dad
Great article! It gave me a good chuckle! I believe Babycenter once conducted a survey asking moms who their kids looked more like, and 70% or something crazy that responded that their babies looked more like their dads. So you’re not alone!
A friend of mine has an explanation for this (unscientific, but smart none the less). She thinks that it goes back to our primal, caveman roots. Kids need to look like their fathers to facilitate bonding and to basically let the dad know that the kid REALLY does belong to them. Then maybe Dad will be more inclined to stick around to hunt and provide for his kids. We moms will love our kids no matter what they look like, but before the concept of monogamy and wedding bands, the dads needed a little extra reassurance that the kids are really theirs.
Great article! It gave me a good chuckle! I believe Babycenter once conducted a survey asking moms who their kids looked more like, and 70% or something crazy that responded that their babies looked more like their dads. So you’re not alone!
A friend of mine has an explanation for this (unscientific, but smart none the less). She thinks that it goes back to our primal, caveman roots. Kids need to look like their fathers to facilitate bonding and to basically let the dad know that the kid REALLY does belong to them. Then maybe Dad will be more inclined to stick around to hunt and provide for his kids. We moms will love our kids no matter what they look like, but before the concept of monogamy and wedding bands, the dads needed a little extra reassurance that the kids are really theirs.
This article made me laugh because this is exacly the case with my 18 month old daughter! She’s the spitting image of her father and was right from the moment she came out. i always interpret people’s comments about how she looks like me as polite kindness. Of course she is only 18 months old and her features are still baby-ish so ther’s still hope that she’ll develop my nose or mouth. It is a consolation though that she as alot of my personality!
Just from an outsider’s perspective looking in, I can see how that woman would definitely say that your daughter looks just like you – she does! I can see some resemblance in some of her features to her father, but for the most part, I think she’s a mini-you! You have such a beautiful family. I agree that your son looks like his Dad, but your daughter definitely resembles you. You should see my son – I’m Portuguese/Native, and his father is Danish. My son has hazel eyes, blonde hair, his dad has blue eyes, blonde hair, and of course I have dark brown eyes and black hair. My son, however, doesn’t really resemble either of us. In fact, he resembles my oldest half-brother on my mother’s side who has blonde hair and hazel eyes. It’s amazing what sort of traits come out when having children. It’s really a toss of the dice.
lol, my husband is asian and i’m whitey-mcwhiterson. i’ve literally been asked “are you the nanny?”, “where did you get them?”, etc…..
my second son looks a *teensy* bit like me (face structure only, not coloring), but i might be making that up out of hope.
btw, you look fabulous!! have you lost all of the baby weight & then some? gorgeous!
I’m glad you wrote this! The *same* thing happened to me the other day at the hospital! My son is the spitting image of his father (and has been since the first time I laid eyes on him). I’m perfectly happy with this, but when the woman I was walking next to told me that he looked just like me, I wanted to bear hug her! I never hear it, and I really don’t see it at all. It was a great feeling.
I know exactly how you feel. My son looks just like his Dad. From Day One, I’ve heard, “He looks just like his Dad!” Only my family says he looks like me, and I think they’re just humoring me. I love him to pieces and I think he is adorable, but part of me does wish he looked more like me. I’m always scouring him for signs that he has some of my characteristics, but so far the only things he seems to have of mine are my weaker qualities!
I just saw this post and had to laugh. I feel EXACTLY the same way. My first, a girl, looked just like her father. And still does. Everybody said it – my family and his. I got so annoyed one day i actually said, ” I think mums feel bad when the kid looks like the dad. I mean we have to go through the entire pregnancy…blah, blah, blah.”. Thing is, I said it to my MIL! Poor woman. I still feel bad about that….
. My mum always said you have to have a boy for him to look like you. Well i had a boy and he looks like his oldest sister who looks like her dad. In fact, my little guy looks so much like my FIL sometimes i have to blink. I really am a horrible person. They’re great looking kids but seriously couldn’t they even look a little like me?
And by the way, i haven’t read what others have said, but little Henry looks like you… From what i can tell in the picture anyway…it’s the eyes i think
(
I have two sets of twins and NONE of them look much like me. They all look a fair amount like their father and they definitely look like siblings. Our pediatrician told me that he heard/read somewhere that the reason kids look more like their fathers earlier in life is so that in caveman days the father would know they were his and stick around. Oh, and my and DH’s eyes (and two of the kids’) are hazel (brownish-green, greenish-brown). The other kids’ eyes are blue and brown. I do hope that at least the girls will look more like me as they grow up.
I was so excited when I discovered that hazel was the actual name of the colour of my son’s and my husband’s eyes. Of course I had heard of hazel eyes, but I never actually knew what colour it was really. My husband didn’t even know that was the proper name for his eye colour. I had always just said their eyes were green-brown but that was not very satisfying. And which colour stands out varies – probably depending on what they are wearing. I had to select a colour for my son’s eyes on a form just a few months ago and hazel was on the list so I googled it and I tell you I was SO excited to finally have a proper name for his eye colour. It’s the simple things.
Hey Monica, you messed up on that article. Amy Levin-Epstein isn’t the (Dominican) mom disappointed that her baby doesn’t look like her. She’s the author of the article who INTERVIEWED the Dominican mom disappointed that her baby doesn’t look like her. That mom’s name is Vanessa Coppes. Amy Levin-Epstein is just writing about the phenomenon, not sharing personal anecdotes of her own.
I think you should rework your original post so that’s more clear. I mean, you’re a journalist!
Fixed! You are totally right. Not sure how I ended up doing that?! Other than I am up late writing so many things… Yikes! Thank you!
I don’t know how but I knew as soon as I was pregnant that my son would look nothing like me. I am mixed race (African and Swiss) and my husband is Italian with strong facial features. With so much going on I feared I would get lost in the mix. This is exactly what happened. My son looks nothing like me both in body and facial features and complexion – not one bit of African blood is evident (Although he does tan well
He is gorgeous and I wouldn’t change him for the world but, seeing as he is my only child, I do feel a little cheated.
I thought I saw you at the WalMart. My most unfavorite WalMart in the country. 13th South.
p.s.: I didn’t say it to make you feel better, the boy definitely resembles YOU (and Serge) but mostly YOU, in my opinion
I really understand you! In fact, I could have written almost the exact same article. Loved the part where you said you had high hopes for your son…and then he also looked more like your husband. I was the same with my second but he still looked more like my husband, although in a different way. It really is interesting hearing people’s opinions on which kid looks like who…people focus on different features and therefore come to different conclusions. On a positive note, having kids who don’t look like me has made me good at seeing the non-obvious parent in kids, to the delight of parents like us!
Don’t worry~my daughter looked just like my husband until she was about 9 then her looks started to change~I knew she resembled me but I saw a picture of the two of us and we had the same expression~It blew my mind~She looks like I did when I was in my 20s~I wish I still looked like that~Anyway, your children are beautiful~
This is the second post I’m reading from BlogHer nominations that comes from babble (and it’s my first time here).
Despite throwing up every day for nine months (for all three kids), I sometimes hear, ” you had nothing to do with that one – it’s his father all the way). Fortunately my daughter does look like me and is way more beautiful.
Okay now confession. I thought your daughter looked JUST like you.
Until I saw her dad.
OMG you took the words right outta my mouth that is soo how i feel both of my kids look like their dads and even manage to look like eachother a bit and my sons feet are the exact replica of mine lol
I’m due this friday and cannot wait to see this lil guy’s face! You should know that I spent my entire childhood being my father’s carbon copy. Then I hit puberty and I suddenly had my mom’s curls her laugh her face shape. Not everything changed but now I am definitely closer to equal parts mom and dad!