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My Baby: Cuter than Maggie Simpson, Not Quite as Talented

Maggie Simpson

Maggie Simpson is the gold medalist of pacifier users

As is the case with most moms and their babies, I think my younger daughter, 10-week-old Peony, is the bee’s knees. She has wide, bright eyes and an eminently kissable set of lips. Her darling smiles and giggles of delight are becoming more frequent.

I’ll be the first to admit she’s not perfect, however. She soils her diapers too many times a day to count. She still hasn’t mastered sign language — or Cantonese yet, for that matter. It’s not as if my hopes of early admission to Harvard are dashed entirely, but the clock is ticking.

The biggest sign that my sweet Peony is a bit of a disappointment? She can’t keep a damn pacifier in her mouth.

I mean, what is the big deal? Have you seen what Maggie Simpson can do with a pacifier? And she’s just a cartoon!

I feel like I spend the better part of most days (and some nights) just holding the thing in there. If I didn’t think Child Protective Services would get all hot and bothered, I would just tape the frigging thing to her head. After all, unless she has a stuffy nose, she’ll still be able to breathe, right?

I can handle the daytime pacifier hand-holding (or mouth-holding as is the case), but when she starts up at 2 or 3 in the morning? Ugh.

She makes these noises — not a hunger cry and not quite a cry — that let me know in no uncertain terms that she wants to suck. So I put the pacifier in her mouth, she’ll take a few drags and then it pops out. No matter how long I hold my finger in the thing for, she can’t seem to keep it in her mouth for any significant period of time. Sometimes she’ll fall back asleep. Sometimes we’ll repeat the exercise for a few more hours. It’s not how exactly how I envisioned sleepless nights in the early days.

The sad thing is that on other nights, she’ll sleep straight through (up to 9 hours on some nights!) — no suck necessary. Why on some nights she needs it and others she doesn’t is a mystery to me. And why if she wants it so badly she won’t just hold onto it is outrageously frustrating (although to be fair, anything that’s keep me awake between 1 and 5 in the morning is equally outrageous).

Forget the fact that “she’s just a baby.” I’m totally holding this against her when she’s old enough to understand. That, and if she doesn’t get into Harvard early admission.

Is there something you wish your baby did better at this moment in time?

Image: Wikipedia

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