About three months after giving birth to my third child, I knew something deep within my soul wasn’t “right.” The warning signs were written all over the wall, and it was obvious to almost everybody but myself that I needed help. At the time, my OB prescribed me an antidepressant. I was on that antidepressant until I got pregnant with Paul, where I then decided to go cold turkey off my medication. That was 14 long months ago.
It’s been 14 months without any sort of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.
I thought I was in the clear, until a couple months ago. Right around the 6 month postpartum mark, things began to change with me.
Unfortunately, without a shadow of a doubt, I am again suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. I thought making it past the six month mark with no signs of PPD or PPA meant I was in probably the “clear,” but sadly it’s not the case for me.
Did you know postpartum depression and anxiety can strike at any time during the first year? I didn’t.
It’s difficult for me to admit to my friends and family that something again isn’t right, because at this stage in the game I feel like I should have my act together, so to speak. Paul isn’t a newborn, he’s sleeping through the night, and I’m back to my normal everyday routine. The haze of those first few days and week of caring for a newborn are long behind me.
So why on earth am I so a mess?
Honestly, I have no idea. This isn’t one of those posts that will explain a sickness, and tell you 10 ways to avoid getting it. I don’t know why I feel this way, and it’s completely frustrating to be living life under these circumstances.
Anxiety and depression looks differently on everyone, but here’s what it looks like on me:
Insomnia. I can get to sleep at night around 11pm, but then wake up around 2am and cannot fall back asleep.
Restlessness. It very hard for me to follow through and complete any task during the day. I find myself pacing back and fourth, without purpose.
I physically cannot catch a deep breath, always feeling like I have a brick sitting on my chest.
This past weekend I wrote more about my anxiety on my personal blog, DesignHER momma. And while I often times feel completely isolated and alone, blogging through it and reading comments assures me that other moms feel the same way as I do.
Hi, my name is Emily. I have four kids, one who is 8 months old, and I’m just now suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. Currently, I’m not the person I want to be, and I’m seeking to get better.
Have you ever suffered from PPD or PPA late into your baby’s first year?
More Babbling from Emily…