My New Best Friend Is A BotAmy Keyishian
I’ve been pretty lucky. Though I’ve come up against annoying moms, I haven’t run into any real competitive types. Maybe I’m just lucky, or I happen to live in laissez-faire area or maybe I just haven’t been paying attention. Generally, the etiquette seems to be, “If I say how great my kid is at something, I will reassure you in equal measure that your kid is just as great.”
Other moms are, evidently, not so lucky. And lord knows that online, where we can hide behind a veil of anonymity, I’ve come across some doozies so maybe the ones I meet face to face are just faking it. Hmm, I wonder which ones?
Anyway. The point is, it can be hard to connect with other moms. Maybe they act snotty. Maybe we perceive them as snotty. Maybe we just don’t get along. But it can start to feel like we’ve been dumped back into high school. When we’re single or just-married, we can pick and choose our friends and spend hours deepening those friendships; when our kids are going to playgroups, preschool, and camp, well, we’re less in control of our social networks and we bump up against the neener-neener Nellies we fought so hard to avoid.
Enter Mompetition. This blog started just this month, and already populated with 7 of those little text-to-animation movies you can make at xtranormal.com. In it, a dark-skinned mom runs into a blonde mom at the playground and deals with endless one-upwomanship. “My daughter bit my left nipple off. I nursed through it.” Listen, I really can’t do it justice. Whoever this woman is, she’s effing brilliant, and I must, must, MUST make her my friend. So must everyone who has commented on her videos, and like one of them said, I hesitate to share this with you, because part of me wants it to remain my own personal thing and to have few enough commenters that I can actually have her write back to me, me, me.
I love her. I have an internet girl-crush on her. I want her to be my BFF. Barring that, I just want her to make a crapload more of these videos, if only so I can watch the first 10 seconds and hear what deadpan epithet Mompetition mom busts out with when she sees that once, again, despite her attempts to avoid her, she’s run into Crazyface yet again. So far: “Oh no.” “Oh sweet Jesus.” “Freakin’ A.” “No way.” “Oh come on, it’s noon.” My suggestions for upcoming videos: “What the crap.”
On a serious note, a more recent video says, in the halting electronic voice of the xtranormal bots:
“I made these videos just to let moms out there know that the worst thing we can do is beat each other up. We are all just doing our best. Well, except for that woman who gives her one-year-old Pepsi and Doritos at the grocery store. She sucks. But for the rest of you, keep up the good work! No matter how you choose to raise your children, somehow we all end up the same: screwed up and on the internet all night.”
Amen, Mompetition mom. Now stop taking such good care of your kids and get back to work on more videos.