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NASA Selects Woman to Be First Breastfeeding Mother in Space

NASA has selected a Babble blogger to be its first breastfeeding mother in space.I am proud and humbled to announce that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has selected me to be the first breastfeeding mother in space. I am excited for this opportunity to serve my country with both my mind and my mammary glands.

This June, I will join a crew of three highly trained and decorated astronauts on the inaugural flight of the Orion spacecraft on a three-week mission to the International Space Station (ISS.) Although I lack the academic and military credentials of my space-bound peers, NASA officials have assured me that my fifth-grade field trip to the Kennedy Space Center and my repeated viewings of the film Gravity have more than prepared me for the challenges of low-Earth orbit.

Together, we will conduct a number of multidisciplinary experiments and research projects within the station’s microgravity environment, including the following:

  • Testing the feasibility of lactation in space.
  • Designing the optimal, zero-g-friendly nursing bra.
  • Determining whether breastfeeding in public orbit will result in sidelong glances from extraterrestrial bystanders.

Since NASA has yet to develop appropriate protocols for infant space travel, I will be accompanied by a Modified Infant-Like Kinetic Mammary-Appropriate Nurser (MILKMAN), an 8-pound robotic device designed to look and feel like a newborn human baby.

I will use MILKMAN for all research and supply maintenance purposes. The robot’s developers assure me that the sensation of MILKMAN suckling, while not exactly equivalent to that of a baby’s suction, will be far more comfortable and lifelike than a swaddled Dust Buster, which was what was initially proposed as an infant proxy tool.

To prepare for my once-in-a-lifetime journey, I have engaged in numerous exercises, including breastfeeding in the swimming pool at the local Y and breastfeeding in the Hayden Planetarium during its “Journey to the Stars” show. I am pleased to report that both venues were perfectly hospitable to my training, although some staff seemed puzzled when I explained that I was planning to “make one small squirt for man, one giant leak for mankind.”

In conclusion, I am thrilled to go where no lactating woman has gone before and would like to take this opportunity to wish to all earthlings, breastfeeding or not, a happy April Fools’ Day.

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