Babble
Now that I have a baby, should I hang out with other parents?
My son turned four months old on Christmas. My husband and I are close with exactly two people who have babies: my cousin Rhoades and his wife Hannah, who live in Providence, Rhode Island, and have a one-and-a-half-year-old daughter, and Logan and Thuy, who live half the year in Ithaca and have a nine-month-old daughter. Most of our friends are single. It’s not uncommon for them to say things like, “You know, I’ve never liked kids before, but I love Oliver.”
Luckily, Oliver is happy and charming on the subway, in museums, at restaurants, at our friends’ apartments and even at raucous parties. So far (and I stress “so far” to avoid jinxing it), he seems to have two switches: giggling, cooing, enchanting little person, and so-asleep-a-hundred-people-singing-happy-birthday-can’t-wake-him-up. So our social lives haven’t changed much since becoming parents, except that we don’t stay out as late, we see fewer movies, and we mostly take turns going to concerts and plays rather than going together. I was smug in my resolution to just keep hanging out with all our single friends exclusively and to studiously avoid Mommy & Me-style gatherings.
Then one day, my mother called from the other room, “Wow, he really likes this Huggies baby.” Neal and I had stopped by for a drink and she’d volunteered to change him while I flipped through the paper. I went into the other room and, sure enough, Oliver was staring at the Huggies baby, mesmerized. He reached out to the plastic baby and petted him. He wouldn’t look away. It was kind of sweet and also sort of sad, like he was some kind of baby raised in the jungle by monkeys seeing a fellow human for the first time.
Shortly thereafter, we went to a Christmas party where there was a six-month-old baby. Oliver reached out for him; the other baby grabbed Oliver’s head. They held onto each other for dear life. It was adorable, but, again, I started to think maybe they were trying to tell us something.
And I suddenly remembered what it was like growing up an only child in the city: all the dinner parties and museums and other adult-zones are great. And being able to have precocious conversations with grown-ups is great, too. But sometimes you really just need someone your own age to clutch at and drool on.
That goes for us, too. That baby’s parents knew about a terrific preschool in our neighborhood. And as it’s turned out, talking to them and to the other new parents we’ve met – people who can totally relate when it comes to teething and swings and vaccinations and rolling over – is surprisingly fun. The new-parent club is kind of like the philosophy club, but with better wine, less sleet and no aura of desperation. And, as you can tell from the picture above, Oliver seems pretty happy to finally have playmates who are neither his parents nor diaper-package illustrations.
I, too, shunned new moms’ groups, La Leche League meetings, etc., even though I only have two friends (one lives in another state, the other in Europe) with kids. What was I thinking? I’d advise any new mom to do otherwise. My baby– a few weeks younger than Oliver– is not, for better or for worse, the kind who allows us to keep our social lives rolling, so after my husband went back to work, major isolation began to set in. Then I saw this child development video that showed babies playing and interacting, and I knew that it wasn’t only me who was isolated. Now we take a mom-and-baby yoga class. It’s great: there are other babies for us to ogle and play with, other moms to chat with, and no one cares if the kid is screaming or if you whip your boob out. Sometimes I even get to do a few yoga poses!
Yep, Ada, me too. I went to one mommy group when I had Mamie. It turned out to be awful but I made great friend through it that I still hang out with — all in moderation and open mind. (So, when do you sign up for Gymboree?!)
I disagree. I went to Mommy’s groups starting when my daughter was 5 weeks old. She’s also 4 months. I think she gets just as much at this point from walking around or her play gym as she would from “classes.” This early in the game, I think mother’s groups are for the mothers not the kids, and having tried a few and found them to be a little too much like high school, I’ve retreated. When my daughter’s older we’ll find her some peers, but for now I just make sure to get out every day. Scheduling activities for 4 month olds seems a little too type A for me.
I went to a mother’s group once. I had an anxiety attack and had to leave.No offense to those who swear by them but for me, Mommy and Me groups are my idea of hell. I’m pretty sure Archer would agree with me as he was banging on the windows to get the hell out of there three seconds into the sing-along.
I don’t know much about mom and kid groups, I’m the working parent and all that stuff happens during the day, but I do know that my friends, old and new, with kids, get me now more than my old friends without kids. My friends without kids have no friggin idea what my life is like and express constant disappointment and hurt that I don’t show up for things anymore. I used to feel bad about it, my kid is almost 2 and a half now, but I no longer do. I really don’t care much about the service at the hot new restaurant that I’ll never go to because they go on a weeknight and stay out late, and they could care less about the fact that I go to bed at 9 every night. And, when they come over to visit the kid but show up way late and way past his bedtime, they are actually mad at me for not keeping him up to see them! Now that I’m done with that rant, I do love my old friends, but I’ve noticed a gradual shift over the past 2 years toward women who have the same thoughts and pressures I do. And it’s been a welcome shift for me. You still have to find the friend in the relationship, just being a mom isn’t enough common ground. But I love my new neighbor with the wonderful little girl who plays so well with my kid. And I have a new appreciation for my sister, mom of 4, who can answer a quick question for me and settle my head.
when i nannyed here in nyc, i went to a lot of mommy and me groups, these groups really should have been called nanny and me but i digress.. As a preschool teacher i see a bunch of amazing little kids who grew up without getting socialied early on, and now even though these kids can talk the ear off of any adult they dont do so well with their peers, because the only other children they met before school were on tv. or packaging or semi annual holiday affairs. Now i am expecting my own kid and i even though i hate the idea of dragging myslf back into the world of mommy and me, i hate the idea that my own child will be the screaming nonsocialized one on the playground more.
I recognize this is a “sidebar” to the topic, but I just wanted to mention that the author should enjoy every moment of her 4-year-old son being “charming” while on subways, museums, etc. because at some point this will — temporarily — change. A 4-month-old is more like a purse than a person in some ways, and by that I mean you can take him lots of places. So again, ENJOY IT! I have two preschoolers and we stopped going most places for about a year and a half once the 2-year-old stuff started happening. However, that age is when you really need non-judgmental parent friends, in my opinion, to assure you that your terror of a two-year-old is in the range of normal and not destined for prison.
Whoops, posted too son. meant to type “4-MONTH-old son” ….
I made some friends in prenatal yoga, and we’ve sort of started our own mom’s group. It’s more for us than the babies at this point (my son is 6 months). What I’ve found is that I’ve been to some groups that were just kind of boring, but I’ve also made some really great connections. I’ve actually met moms that I enjoy being around aside from the fact that we have babies. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without them. Anyway, I think it’s all about expectations. You have to expect that you’ll find the group kind of boring. You’ll have to scan the room for the women that you might like and connect with them as quickly as possible so you can hang out with them outside of the group! Let’s face it, making new friends is like dating… so, you gotta treat it like that. If you’ve already got friends who will listen to you stress out about the color/consistency of your baby’s poop, are willing to talk about TV before the age of two or have some advice on making your own baby food, then I guess you don’t need these groups. But, if all you know are a bunch of single party types, then they are important.
I would use http://www.iperDate.com LOL