Newborn Week: The Midnight FeedSamantha Bee
I had read a lot about how breast feeding mothers should take in a few extra calories every day in order to develop and maintain a healthy supply of milk. What they said was “maybe a small extra serving of yogurt, or a slice of bread with a piece of cheese”, what I heard was “eat an entire meal in the middle of the night.”
I honestly do not remember how we survived this experience, but here’s how it went: At around two o’clock in the morning, our alarm would go off, we would wake the baby up, and I would transfer her to our ‘breastfeeding zone’ while Jason darted into the kitchen to prepare me a full meal. I vividly recall a lot of running around, and the frantic clicking of the igniter on the gas stove. As I fed her, Jason would feed me buttered toast with scrambled eggs and cheese, or leftover curried chicken, or giant bowls of cereal swimming in full fat milk; I could literally eat half a box of Raisin Bran at one sitting—I honestly thought I was supposed to–and he may have served it to me in a salad bowl, I don’t know. All I do know is that around eleven months after the baby was born, I still looked six months pregnant. I did, however, have the colon health of a sixteen year old.
Also, for the record, I found breastfeeding to be agonizingly painful for the first month, and so, I would like you to picture this, and you’re welcome in advance: confused half-asleep baby being forced to eat in the middle of the night, while mother hunches over a full plate of food precariously balanced on the Boppy as tears stream down her face; loving husband looks on expectantly, awaiting further instructions, and offering to deliver more hot sauce for her eggs.
My advice: back away from the cereal shovel (yes, for your information I DID use an oversized spoon, thanks very much), those barbecued ribs are going to give you heartburn anyway, and don’t even think about slowly picking away at the frosting on that leftover birthday cake. No human person should ever consume that much bran in one sitting. Just feed the baby and go back to bed. Maybe have a banana.
Also, whoever told us to wake the baby up to feed her, I would like to invent a time machine, get into that time machine, travel back in time, and push you down face first into a snow bank.
That baby was having a really nice dream about nothing that you totally disturbed.
p.s. by the third baby, I never woke her up on purpose even one time. And simply replaced my own sleep with a really great under eye concealer.