Nine 'Pee Alone' Laughs for New MomsAlice Gomstyn
Babies are beautiful, adorable, endearing bundles of … WORK. So what’s an exhausted, borderline-delirious new mom to do? Why, laugh of course!
Take it from Karen Alpert.
“When you’ve just had a baby and your hands have perma-poo smell no matter how much you wash them, and your nipples feel like they were dipped in acid and then reincarnated as piranha food, and you can’t remember the last time you slept or showered or ate, you have two choices— you can either cry or laugh,” she told me. “Or even better, you can laugh so hard you cry.”
Alpert, of Baby Sideburns, is one of 37 hilarious mom bloggers who contributed essays on motherhood in the new, best-selling anthology, “I Just Want to Pee Alone.” Jen of People I Want to Punch In The Throat, organized the project.
While the essays cover parenting experiences with children of different ages, if you’re still in that, ahem, blessed baby stage, you might be especially appreciative of labor and and infant-related humor…so check out some select baby jokes and one-liners from “I Just Want to Pee Alone” below and laugh your perma-poo problems away.
Need a Laugh? 1 of 10The bloggers behind the best-selling anthology "I Just Want to Pee Alone" are here to help!
Image: Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat.
‘[My sister] dropped my numb right leg… 2 of 10...and took the first gory pictures of my slimy daughter. My cousin took a keepsake photo of the placenta and let's all be grateful she didn't yet have a Facebook account." -- Brenna Jennings of Suburban Snapshots.
Image: ©Suburban Snapshots
‘[N]ot only is every new mom asked… 3 of 10to breastfeed, (and if you aren't doing it right, be prepared to have your breasts manhandled by every single hospital employee), hold the baby's head correctly so as not to, you know, kill it, not drop him or her (again, to avoid imminent murder of which every new mom is afraid), change the baby, bathe the baby, learn what each cry means, but also keep a poop diary?!" -- Amy Bozza of My Real Life.
Image: Amy Bozza
‘When The Hub and I brought… 4 of 10...The Boy home from the hospital, We honestly marveled at how passive he was, even high-fiving each other for having such a perfect peach of a baby. We were totally rockin' this procreation situation, and we felt like the luckiest bastards on the planet. That is, until a few days later, when his real personality came out and we considered a middle of the night, top-secret move to Lithuania, or somewhere just as equally nowhere." -Patti Ford of Insane in the Mom-Brain.
Image: Patti Ford
‘When my first son was just… 5 of 10...a few weeks old, I was chastised by my husband after he found the extensive lint collection the baby and I were unknowingly stowing under the head of his penis. Hubs was flabbergasted to find that I needed step-by-step instruction for the proper cleaning of boy equipment. To which I responded, 'How many penises do you think I've cleaned before this one?'" -Suzanne Fleet of Toulouse and Tonic.
Image: Suzanne Fleet
‘[T]he baby was coming… 6 of 10This time I was sitting on a towel, because I wasn't sure which combination of club soda, hydrogen peroxide, and lighter fluid would be required to get amniotic fluid out of the seat upholstery."--Robyn Welling of Hollow Tree Ventures.
‘Like magic, two babies later, suddenly… 7 of 10
‘Have more than three… 8 of 10Have more than three, or have more after having multiples, and you're at zero [sympathy] points. Consider yourself quarantined because no one wants to catch your crazy. After all, you should have figured out how babies are made by now, you idiot."--Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom Blog.
Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
‘There I was [in labor], naked… 9 of 10
‘I have become reluctantly accepting of the chaos… 10 of 10...make this sacrifice on the uncompromisingly cheery altar of childhood." -- Alicia of Naps Happen.