Please don’t ruin social media for me.
I used to savor the precious few minutes of me-time that services like Twitter offered. I escaped the drudgery of diaper changes and was treated to photos of celebs’ latest piercings, 140-character political rants riddled with spelling errors and all-important answers to hashtag questions like #WhatIsYourFavoriteRootVegetable? (Radishes. Duh.)
And now you’re telling me you might want to include “TweetPee” diaper change alerts in my Twitter feed?? It’s not enough that I can smell my little peanut’s, ahem, productivity in the air — I have to read about it on my phone too? Are you implying that notifications about my baby’s pee are as important as messages about Barack Obama’s prom pics? I mean, sure, my baby could someday be president too but we’re talking about the current leader of the free world and darn it, can’t I ogle his groovy dinner jacket in peace?
Sure, your initial alerts might provide the same dopamine rush as any other tweet…but that high will quickly fade as the dim reality sets in that I now have no excuse but to go get junior on the changing table. No longer can I claim that his cries are simply those of a bored baby — quick, turn on the mobile! — or that no, I really don’t smell anything funky in the air. Plausible deniability goes out the nursery window with TweetPee.
And then there’s the branding — TweetPee is, in fact, a rather charming name. And that owl-shaped humidity sensor you’d have me clip on my baby’s diaper is cute too. But you know what’s not cute? Being elbow-deep in baby poo. You haven’t revealed whether TweetPee would send alerts about baby bowel movements, but since number one and number two often arrive together…well, I assume you’ve absorbed my point.
Some might argue that if and when TweetPee does hit the U.S. market, I could avoid the whole experience by just not using it. These people are obviously not parents. If all the other mommies and daddies get TweetPees for their babies, I’ll look negligent by comparison. I can see the playground gossip now: “Did you hear that Alice ruined her baby’s chances of getting into Harvard? Yep, she didn’t get that new TweetPee diaper sensor. Clearly, it’s all downhill from there.”
For now you say that the sensor is only a “concept device” being tested in Brazil, together with a TweetPee app that tracks baby’s diaper supply. You say the sensor itself won’t be available to consumers, just the app. I want to believe you, Huggies, I really do, but there’s now been weeks’ worth of TweetPee buzz and I could see how you might be tempted to change your mind.
Don’t do it. Stay strong, Huggies: Rage, rage against the tweeting of the pee.
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