Raising A Baby Without Family In Town
Parenting from 3,000 miles away...
I found out I was pregnant on a Monday. On Thursday of that same week, my husband was called and given an unexpected (and very good) job offer. The only catch was that the job was in Seattle, and we lived in Virginia. After many many deliberations, we decided to take a big chance and move to the opposite coast.
Knowing we had a baby on the way, it was incredibly difficult to consciously choose to move thousands of miles away from our closest relatives. And here we are, nine months later with an incredible little seven-week-old-baby. Even though I know we made the right decision based on other factors, I can’t help but still feel a little bit sad that he’s getting bigger every day, and no one else is here to see it.
I grew up in Ohio, and my grandparents lived in Florida and Chicago — not exactly close enough to stop over after school for milk and cookies. I had friends with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins in town, and I was always jealous of their big family gatherings and get-togethers. In my family, we had those twice a year.
I remember years ago, thinking when I finally start a family I am going to make having family nearby my top priority. But then life happened, and things like good medical benefits and a stable salary trumped my lofty dreams of grandparents around the corner. It’s not the end of the world, and it’s something that so many families deal with these days, but it still makes me sad that my mom and mother-in-law are missing all of these moments.
Cullen has gained four pounds since he was born, and he has changed so much in seven short weeks. He has gone from a newborn to a baby, and has developed a goofy personality and a heart-melting smile that I do my best to capture on video and camera each day. With today’s technology, it helps that we can video chat and send pictures instantly from our cell phones, but it doesn’t replace the sounds and smells of real live people. He can’t feel the bounce of his grandpa’s knee through our iPad.
The other reason I wish we had family nearby? Selfishly, I’d love some help! I never expected motherhood to be easy, but man it is TOUGH taking care of a newborn with no outside help. We are lucky that we’ve made some great friends here in Seattle who have offered to watch Cullen here and there so we can have some date nights. But I find myself jealous when I hear of other new moms with parents nearby who stop over regularly to relieve the parents for trips to the gym, yoga classes, a few hours of work, or even just a much needed nap.
In the bigger picture, I realize I’m really lucky that we had the opportunity to move out here for Casey’s job, and that we have an adorable, healthy baby. But I can’t help that on some days, this new mommy finds herself missing her mommy. I guess that’s one thing we never outgrow.
You are so brave. I long to live on the west coast, but I’m terrified not to have my mom nearby for questions and oh yes, free babysitting!!!
Beautiful post, Emily. I am in a similar situation, and have recently moved to North Carolina with a baby due in 3 months. The closest relative is in Virginia, so we are somewhat lucky. It is good to know that it is possible! I just hope o meet some other mom friends with whom we can trade on babysitting nights
This makes me want to cry, Emily. I moved from NY to Colorado 8 years ago and from the moment my first daughter was born 3 years ago, my heart has ached just a little bit more every single day because my family is 2,000 miles away. Photos and Skype are nice, but it’s not the same. I feel your pain – especially about not having any help. Sometimes my husband has to remind me that it’s OK to acknowledge that it’s that much harder emotionally and otherwise because our families are so far away. But, on the bright side, it does make the time with grandparents that much more special during our visits.
I have been thinking the same thing ever since I moved to the Midwest for a job two and a half years ago. And now that I’m pregnant, I wonder how we’ll handle a similar situation. Both sets of grandparents live 19 hours away, and the closest relative is a solid 14 hours. Hopefully we’ll have generous friends around- and I am sure that your family is appreciating all of your electronic updates!
You are doing great, and you will all earn some frequent flyer miles soon I’m sure! It’s so good that you’ve found friends to count on.
I can’t imagine being a plane ride away. I find myself jealous of those people that have family down the street, but maybe I should be grateful that my family is only a 3.5 hour car ride away. Still… I’d love for them to be just down the street so they could stop by and see us more often. They grow and change so much when they are this little and I don’t want anyone to miss a moment!
Ugh. You just got me all teary-eyed at my desk as I eat my lunch. We’re in the same boat. Thankful for the job that took us far from our families and has enabled our little family unit of three to eat, have a roof over our heads and enjoy some little luxuries, but we still miss our families like crazy!
^^ Not sure that came across correctly – we’re thankful for the job and the benefits it brings … not that it took us far from our families!
I can’t even imagine not having my mom during this time. Not that she’s been incredibly helpful or anything, but just watching her love on my little girl is wonderful. My MIL has maybe seen our baby 3 times since she’s been alive and it breaks my heart that she isn’t willing to spend more time with her (2nd) granddaughter when she only lives 15 minutes away… I wish I could give that close distance to you since I’m sure your family would take full advantage of it!
great post – I understand. Our families are 7 hours away and it’s hard enough as is. My husband and I are trying to move to be closer to them, but the job market is tough! I had both sets of grandparents in the same town growing up, and it was awesome.
I know exactly what you’re going through! Never expected to be raising small children away from family but then I fell in love with a military man. Yep. You find that you need to extend out into the community a bit more to build up a social network of support but it isn’t the same as your own family.
Good luck!
When I was four months pregnant, we moved from the house next door to my mother to Portland, two hours away. I’m really happy to be here in Portland, but as she gets older, I sure do wish we had my parents around for easy babysitting. My baby is three months old, and my husband and I are just starting to really feel the effects of never being alone without her. It takes a toll, for sure.
Being a military family, my husband and I are definitely feeling this right now as well. We haven’t even met friends that we trust with our baby here. It’s tough, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.
My husband and I recently moved about 6 hours away from our families. We originally thought that we’d wait for babies for the 3 years we’ll be away, but we realized that we can’t put our lives on hold, so we’ll just give parenting our best shot on our own and visit as much as we can. Thanks for proving it can be done!
In the same boat. Totally understand every statement. I have found family in friendships but it never takes the place of blood relatives.
I hear ya. I live in Tacoma (nearby!) and my mother and the rest of my family lives in… Germany. Yep. My mom came over for 3 weeks around the time our little one (now 6 weeks old) was born and got to spend his first 10 days with him, but then she left. And I’ve been heartbroken and missing her ever since. This whole mothering thing is HARD.. and lacking the incredible support from my mom that I got a taste of when the little one was just born is even harder.
My MIL thankfully lives right around the corner, so we typically get a date night a week (tomorrow!). It really helps preserve sanity. Our friends here are great, but have kids themselves, so we try not to bother them. And then, some live in Seattle, which is regrettably quite a distance away when you have a newborn.
Hang in there, I hear it gets better. <3
We live 6 hours away from both of our parents, and while it’s certainly not as bad as some, I’d really love to have my mom come over on a Saturday and entertain our little guy while I attempt to get some stuff done. With a baby, I find it so difficult to just keep up with the daily household chores, let alone anything beyond that.
While it doesn’t make up for family, I would really consider hiring someone to help out once or twice a week. Colleges are usually a great resource for babysitters (look for education or nursing students in particular). As soon as I was comfortable leaving my child, I made sure to get two regular babysitters so that I have a guaranteed date night with my husband every week as well as an afternoon to myself. My child adores both of her sitters, and I think having that small amount of time for myself and my marriage makes me a better mama. Good Luck!
All of our family is about 4 hours away, so not nearly as far as yours, but still too far for frequent visits. It was sad with our 1st, but now that we have baby #2 I really wish we had family closer, especially my mom! We have to rely a lot on friends, which is hard sometimes. I’m really jealous of friends with family close by!!
I just asked my husband last night if we could move…. Away! I asked if, as soon as our housing lease ended, if he could ask to be transferred to a different state!!
I do know how sad it would be to feel like your little one is missing out. Right now I’m just a little overwhelmed by our wonky families!
Can your families skype or iChat with video??
That was the best way to put it, i also had the same issue, except i live in Maui and Grandparents in Chile and my little daughter and i where all we had… that was so hard cause i was a single Mom with a 2 years old and i had to work and find sitters for her… So every time you think about your issue, think about that how lucky you are to be at home with him in a great city and have the support of your husband to help you.. Melekalikimaka..Merry Christmas..LULU
Moving away from my family before my child was born was hands down the biggest mistake I ever made.
Yes, us too! I had Tate in Utah with family nearby, so I was lucky to have some help, but we moved away when he was 3 months old. My biggest regret is that our families don’t get to see the things we love about him on a regular basis. I am just so glad we are going home for Christmas!
Here’s my post on it: http://blogs.babble.com/babys-first-year-blog/2011/09/07/thoughts-on-raising-a-baby-away-from-home/
I’m in the same boat except that I am single, so I am raising my son without a partner. It’s sad for me that all of my cousins, aunts and parents are longing to help out but aren’t near us. If you think it’s hard with a partner try doing it 24/7 completely alone. I am searching now for a job closer to family, fingers crossed I will find something soon.
i definitely understand this. we have a almost 6 month old and the closest family is 500 miles away. but on the bright side, you have your husband around. mine has been traveling for work 4 of the 6 months the baby has been here. talk about raising this baby alone!
I live in Texas with my fiance and my family and friends all live in California. I as well had nobody near my side raising my daughter (who is now 4 years old) except for my fiance. At first it was hard especially when we both needed sleep but with time it all seems to get easier. We are pretty proud that we both raised such a smart and beautiful little girl all on our own with out babysitters or nannies.
I feel you completely, I live in Virginia, as I met my husband here, my closest family is in TAIWAN!! I’m actually getting my daughters passport ready this month, and we will be going there for three weeks in March of 2012. I work for myself, and I haven’t been back in 6 years. I have a 2 year old that my grandmother have not met yet. My husband will not be coming, due to his work, but he can deal with. I gotta get back home:-)
I’m in a similar situation. Family is far away- a five hour drive for mine, seven for his. We’re close enough, but my children only get to see their grandparents every few months. It is tough at times, but we need to stay where the money is good. In this economy, we can’t just frivilously give up a good job because we want to live closer. I wish it was different, but I’ve made a conscience choice to find a local LLL and make friends here. And yes, grandparents LOVE the YouTube videos and I try to send pictures as often as possible.
I can totally empathize with you! My husband and I met while in grad school in Boston and got married two years ago. Our daughter was born 4 months ago and no family was around to celebrate with us. Sure, we have friends here but they have their own lives going on. My husband’s family is in NC while mine are in CA; both on opposite ends of the country. While my in-laws and sisters visited shortly after the birth, they haven’t been around to witness the other milestones, as well as just enjoying the newest family member. Skype is great but it does lack the physical component.
To that end, my husband and I made the decision to move to CA next year so that our daughter can be raised around family and know them. I was raised the same way and I want her to experience the same upbringing.
Thank you for writing about your experience as it is something that I’m sure many parents experience. It is comforting to know that we’re not the only ones going through this and that someone can relate.
We live in Texas because my husband got a good job here – more than double what he was previously making. His parents are in Oklahoma, which is where we moved from, and mine are in New York. And I have 4 siblings in New York, and about 15 cousins spread out over Florida, Nebraska, Colorado, and Kansas. Growing up, though, all of us were in New York. I’m also lucky enough to have both my Grandmother and my Great Grandmother (who turned 100 just weeks after the baby was born) alive. But they’re in Florida. Only my mother-in-law has gotten to see the baby so far, because she came down for the birth. None of my family has seen her at all. It makes me a little sad that my daughter won’t know what it’s like to have big family gatherings more often than once a year. Because the last one boasted over 50 relatives and their families. I remember weekly Sunday dinners at Grandma’s house when there were dozens of us. My baby won’t know what that’s like. My husband doesn’t really understand – he’s an only child and only a few of his cousins lived nearby, most of his cousins always lived far away. But living here is what’s best for us financially, so it is what we do.
I am in the opposite situation and it is just as hard but I am also glad I made the decision for me and my baby to be near his grandparents for the first year. I lived in Alaska and my family is on the east coast. But the decision was kind of made for me, it turned out little John had 3 holes in his heart to repair, so we decided to go with the premiere heart surgeons which are in Virginia, at UVA. It’s really hard being away from my husband, and his father for the first year, but we also use Skype and facebook to keep in touch. I thought it was important for John to have a good connection with his grandparents, and this is where I was raised, with my mom, and so I really wanted to enjoy some time with my son and her. Also it is really helpful to get some sleep, and some me time to be living with them. This Christmas is going to be awesome, his first one with a big family to share it. Do I wish my husband was here? Yes. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed and stuck it out. But I’m satisfied with my decision. I’m glad to know that someone in a similar situation is glad they made the opposite decision! I figured there were people in similar situations to me and I was happy to read this article, thanks. It’s getting exciting thinking about moving back home to the northwest!!!
For me, it’s mostly wanting Cameron to know ‘my side’ of the family well, to be close with and to them. I would love to be able to say, “Nana (and some of the aunts and uncles) has invited you to spend the night!”, not only for the ‘date’ time with his daddy, but because I would really like for my son to have some cherished memories of time spent with his ‘other grandmother’ as well as his other relatives, like he does of time with his daddy’s relatives, especially his Grandma, here. I would love for him to have a closeness with aunts, uncles and cousins that I never had growing up with my own, because they also were living some distance from our family. I think it’s important to have relatives that are a part of what make you ‘you’, that will be there if anything should happen to your parents/siblings, especially since Cam’s daddy and I are older parents than typical parents. Besides this, I do miss my family, of course- especially at ‘special’ event times, holidays, birthdays, etc…Ruth had it right, I know…But, I am human.
I also grew up in Ohio. Cleveland area to be exact
My husband and I live in WAY Northern California. My daughter is now almost 6. My daughter has not seen my family since she was 1 1/2 years old. I understand how you feel completely. My entire Ohio family is getting together like they always do for Christmas…another Christmas without them. It is HARD. Just know that you are doing what’s best for your family right now. Skype as much as you can and take bunches of pics and videos. Stay strong Momma, it will be okay. We have another one due in March and all I want is to have my family around. Just know that you are not alone and all you need to worry about right now is keeping you and your immediate family healthy. Maybe time to start some new traditions?
Your mommy misses you too but knows you made the right decision for your family by moving to Seattle- I am hoping for many many years to bond with my little men when they are older and can know who Grandma is
I know how it feels as well. when we had our frist son, my parents were 4hrs away…we were stationed at cherry pt nc. fortunatly my mom and best friend were able to come down from the greensboro area to be there for the birth but they had to leave before we were home from the hospital. it was just me and my husband and this tiny newborn that i had no clue what to do with! i had our 2nd son over the summer. my husband who is now a civilian contractor with the govt was deployed and i had to move us from nc to va. NO FUN! i made the decision early on that i was going to have our 2nd child closer by since my husband was gone. that was a decision i havent regretted! its still not easy being away from family though. i was glad that over the summer my oldest son was really able to get to know his grandparents. that ment alot to them and me.
Erica, it looks like we tag teamed. you went from va to nc and i went from nc to va!
For a long time I always thought I wanted to move away. I have lived in the same city since I was 5 years old and I thought I wanted a new experience, eventually. Then as it turned out, my husband and I bought a house this year in the same neighborhood as my parents, so it doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere anytime soon. And I just know as kids come along and life changes, I will be very glad to not only be in the same city as many other relatives but almost literally right across the street from my parents. Thanks for making me remember how lucky I am