Sergeant Mom, Reporting For Roll Patrol

When I was newly married, I couldn’t imagine wanting kids. I wanted cute clothes, and maybe a trip to Paris with my husband, and probably snorkeling lessons too, or something, but kids just weren’t on my radar. I didn’t not want kids, I just didn’t think much about it.

Then one day when I was watching television in my apartment in Brooklyn, the unthinkable happened: My biological clock turned on: tick tick tick.

I was watching a commercial for some something or other where a woman is grocery shopping. She stops in front of a large display of apples and then glances to her left at a little blob of love sitting in the grocery cart. He smiles a gummy smile back at her as she picks up a Granny Smith. And then my uterus shouted up at me, “WANTS ONE!”

I didn’t want just any old baby, though. I wanted a fat baby. F-A-T. Extra adipose, pretty please.

The Universe must really like me a whole bunch or something, because when my baby finally came to me (after three years of waiting for the “right time” and then two more years of waiting for my body to finally wake up and start working properly), he got here ready to become blubbular. Hallelujah! is what I said when dimples started appearing on Huck’s thighs.

Just today at the mall an older gentleman waiting outside the J.Crew said to me, “Your baby looks prosperous!” Don’t you love that?

But do you know what comes with a fat baby? Rolls. And you know what comes with rolls, don’t you . . . Neck Cheese.

In no particular order, here is what I’ve learned about fat rolls and neck cheese in my short time as a mom to a fatty fat head.

1. Just because he’s been bathed don’t mean he’s clean. Neck cheese is impervious to water I tell you. You need a cloth and a good wipe-and-scoop technique. “Swish and Flick,” for you Harry Potter fans.

2. Back of the knees! That one’s really important.

3. Extra wipe for the thigh rolls after a good diaper soiling. You gotta really get in there! Heaven knows the poo did!

4. Try to avoid getting lotion in the rolls. And also, you’d think baby powder would help with chafing, but actually I’ve found it doesn’t.

5. Stray hairs can slice delicate baby skin, so when you find one of your never-ending shedded hairs wedged in a roll, proceed with caution!

6. Did you know that early fattiness in a breastfed baby is not an indication of childhood obesity, but early fattiness in a formula-fed  baby is?

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