My 4-month-old daughter Peony recently started eating her first solid food: rice cereal. I kind of thought I would try to be all Earth mother-y and make my own baby food, but then I laughed and realized in a million years I’ll never have that kind of time.
But I care what goes into her, so I’m still trying to ensure that when she moves beyond cereal she’ll get all kinds of stuff that will be good for her and, almost more importantly, make me feel good about myself. You know, organic stuff and sh*t that will allow me to hold my head high at her Music Together class when the discussion beforehand among the moms turns to what the kids are eating these days.
During the course of my entirely unscientific research, however, I’ve encountered things that, had I seen before I was ever pregnant, I might have decided to skip over parenting entirely for fear that someone might try to feed my kids some of this stuff someday. And by stuff, I mean utterly disgusting stuff that has managed to slip by the censors at the FDA and somehow come out the other side with the label “food” on it.
Behold the 10 grossest baby foods that some bad, bad people actually thought to manufacture:
Turkey sticks 1 of 10I'm not sure if it's the color of the turkey sticks, the shape of the turkey sticks, or the fact that turkey comes in a jar and is called "sticks" that offends me so much. Oh, wait. It's all three. Yuck.
Chicken and carrot 2 of 10Surprisingly, it's not so much the chicken that's grossing me out here. But carrots packed in water? Let me speak on behalf of all the infants subjected to the orange, watery, hot mess in this jar: ew. And, of course, yuck.
Meat sticks 3 of 10Do you have to wipe the water off of said meat sticks before serving? Or are droplets of water on the meat sticks part of the appeal? By the way, they couldn't even name the variety of meat in the title? So does that make it like Spam? Or more like hot dogs? Speaking of hot dogs . . .
Fake hot dogs 4 of 10I don't care how much ketchup you slather on this, or if the fake meat is made from vegetables watered with organic, dairy- and gluten-free quinoa studded with chunks of edible gold. There's nothing smart — or tasty — about fake hot dogs. Besides, doesn't it always seem like most people who eat fake hot dogs really just want real hot dogs, and do you really want to discuss what's in those or the thought of that stuff in your sweet and pure little baby?
Ham in ham sauce? 5 of 10Why is it so pink? Don't they have additives and food dyes that can fix that? I mean, ew.
Everything goes better with bacon 6 of 10Except for baby formula.
Trout 7 of 10Yes, I know fish is all about Omega-3's and all kinds of other smart-sounding junk. And I know that in America we don't eat nearly as wisely as other places hither and yonder. But trout for babies? Excuse me, please, while I go empty the contents of my lunch in the toilet. I mean, the loo.
Lentil . . . bolognese? 8 of 10I'm all for pasta. I'm all for lentils. I'm all for bolognese. I'm all for the first and third together. But the second with the first and/or third? I mean, lentils are their own kind of satisfying and savory. Why mess with it? Just . . . why? And, yes, gross.
First prunes? 9 of 10Does this mean there is necessarily a second prune? Who besides our grandparents' grandparents eats prunes? Have you seen pureed prunes? Have you seen what it can do to a baby? Then why, pray tell, is it made? For babies? Yuck.
More prunes 10 of 10P.S. Hiding prunes amid other fruits does not mask the fact that it contains prunes.
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Also on Babble: Organic baby food — our 5 favorite all-natural eats
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