These Babies Are Horrible Listeners.


Today Vivi napped for one-hour-and-thirty-nine-minutes. That’s ninety nine minutes of nap for a baby that believes napping is for sissies and that staring at the ceiling is far more interesting than catching a little shut-eye. I don’t know how it happened. I put her down for a nap everyday hoping that today! Today will be the day she naps! Only to hear her squawking about the injustice of being left alone and supine in her crib twenty minutes later. I’ve given up on the possibility of jinxing myself by admitting what works with Vivi and what doesn’t. This child is bound and determined to keep me on my toes until she is out of my legal jurisdiction. But as her mom, I must continue guiding her in the way of truth and light despite her pact to ruin me.

First of all, Miss Vivi, you would be wise to stop whacking yourself in the face. Since you don’t sleep or even slow down with all the flailing clipping your nails is really difficult. Not only would a reduction in face-whacking allow you to sleep better, it would greatly reduce the tiny, little scratches all over your cheeks and forehead.

Second. Binkies. Pacifiers. Plugs. Soothies. Dummys. TRY ONE! YOU MIGHT LIKE IT! It’s practically a binky graveyard up in here. You like to suck on things. Binkies are meant to be sucked on. I know you like your fingers too but due to aforementioned face-whacking issues you have to be swaddled while you sleep so fingers are out of the question. I realize that because you don’t like the stupid things it saves me the trouble of having to break you of the binky later on in life, but at this moment? You liking them every once in a while for three or four minutes a day would do you a world of napping good.

Third. Let’s figure out how to get you sitting up before you go working on crawling. I realize you feel the need to get places and get there now. But you’re going to be awfully bored when you get there if all you can do is lie flat on your back and flail upon arrival.

Fourth. Quit growing so fast. Not only would it save me a bunch of trouble in the clothing department, it would just be nice if you stayed baby sized for longer than 14 weeks. You could stop growing for the next five months and be right on track when you pick up growing again at 9 months. At least consider it for my back.

Fifth. Rice cereal. I realize the stuff is better suited for holding bricks together than being introduced as a first food but spitting it out, digging your paws around in it and then rubbing it in your eyes and hair? It’s not getting either of us anywhere except frustrated and when we move onto green beans and peas? You’re really not going to want that stuff in your crevices. Just consider keeping your hands by your side at mealtime. Eventually. Please. Thank you.

Sixth. Naps. They are your friend. TAKE THEM. PLEASE.

I’m sure I’ll have more motherly advice as the weeks pass by but for now? This seems to be about it. Here’s to tomorrow and everyday I get to be your mom. xo.

Article Posted 5 years Ago
share this article
facebook twitter tumblr pinterest
See Comments
what do you think?
share this article
facebook twitter tumblr pinterest
See Comments
what do you think?
what do you think?
close comments
Subscribe to the
Welcome to
Sign Out
Follow us on