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Wait, Whats That About Vaginal Gymnastics?

Sexy SpaOoh, la la! The more mature of us who read this New York Times article were interested in its puzzled pondering about the state of women and feminism in France, where excellent maternity and post-partum care don’t add up to happiness or even equality.

Then there’s me.

The revelation that France offers a “state-paid, extended course of vaginal gymnastics, complete with personal trainer, electric stimulation devices and computer games that reward particularly nimble squeezing” was pretty much all I saw before booking my flight to Paris. Yeah yeah yeah, I also read about the free childcare, tax breaks and something about money, but holy crap! A magic dildo? From the Feds? I’m used to getting screwed by the government, but not in a good way.

This, of course, is weighing heavy on my mind. It’s been about ten weeks since Abby barreled past my perineum, and we’ve been making tentative attempts to start using that area again for, you know, its intended purpose. Uch. What’s the right euphemism. When I met my husband, my vagina was like the 1976 Nadia Comanechi, all nimble and jumping around. Now it feels like the 1980 Nadia Comanechi. Center of gravity is off. Electric glow is somehow missing. Nobody’s rushing out with flowers or gold medals. (Uh… remember, it’s an analogy.) My vagina is off its game.

I could go on with this whole Romania-crotch tie-in, but it’s starting to get icky, so I’ll move on now.

I’ve Googled around for “French pelvic floor therapist,” “French vagina rehab,” and “vaginal gymnastics” (that last one was really left un-Googled), and I’ve got nothing. There are awesome-looking places in France, but they’re … in France. The ones here are geared toward women with serious incontinence problems, not your average post-natal lady who just leaks a bit during Russell Brand movies.

I want the vagina secrets. Give them to me, France!

Or someone lend me the startup money to start a post-childbirth vag-spa, where women of means can sign up for the kind of rejuvenation program their husbands can really get behind. If you like that sort of thing. No judgment.

Would you be into a pelvic-floor therapy spa?

Photo: bobster855/Flickr

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