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17 Weird, Scary, Kooky, or Otherwise Inappropriate Baby Toys

Some of these toys are weird. Some are just wrong. And some are the “please never leave me alone in a room with it” kind. But they are all potentially traumatizing, and if not to babies, to us. Here are 17 toys that are masters of fright.

Clowns of Any Type 1 of 17
Whether it's a tin wind up clown, a clown doll, or even a plush, pillow-soft version, clowns are possibly some of the scariest things in existence. That painted-on smile over that stark white face is hiding the fact that he is a deranged lunatic who wants to chase you in your nightmares with his big, floppy, oversized shoes.
Scary Cymbal Monkey 2 of 17
This monkey smashes his cymbals neurotically and stares at you through his bloodshot, hypnotic eyes with one goal in mind: to haunt you...
Cyclops Brain Baby Car 3 of 17
Don't let the cute baby in the photo deceive you with her seemingly content look. She's terrified. As she should be, riding around in the brain of a cyclops head with really bad teeth.
Zombie Cat 4 of 17
The Zombie Cat called Deathmittens is the kind of scary whose bark is bigger than its bite. Her name suggests terror, but she's the cutest damn zombie cat you ever did see.
Howdy Doody 5 of 17
This doll is like Chucky's country bumpkin cousin. He's the country creepy to Chucky's city freaky.
You Can Shave the Baby Toy 6 of 17
I know. You don't quite know what to say. There's a lot going on here. The scariest part is that this doll is encouraging young children to use a razor. But equally as scary is the placement of the hair on the dolls. And, that the doll is wearing "hair suspenders" (some may argue "hair leiderhosen"). And, that he looks like a mix between Carrot Top and David Hasslehoff.
Breaking Bad Plush Toys 7 of 17
Though we all want them for our offices, bookshelves, mantles, etc., Walt and Jessie may not be the best cuddle buddies for your little one. Crystal meth producers/dealers aren't the most comforting of toys, even in plush form.
German Antique Dolls 8 of 17
Is it the makeup? Is it the braids? Or is it that glassy look in her eyes? Whatever it is, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room as this spooky, doll lady. I think most babies would feel the same.
Ludovico the Hip Hop Monkey 9 of 17
This hip-hop monkey is made of leather, brass, wood and rabbit fur and has mad skillz on the mic. But It's the hand-carved wooden monkey skull that would probably deter anyone from buying this for a tiny tyke. That, and the $260 price tag.
Marionettes 10 of 17
Tips for scarring baby for life: 1. Create a long, dangly doll with the scariest face you could ever imagine. 2. Make it move and dance around in a weird, wobbly way using strings that can't be seen. 3. Show it to a baby.
Dolls Wearing Disguises 11 of 17
In my opinion, all dolls are slightly, if not completely scary. But when you take a normal, formal-occasion doll and dress him like a street performer playing Music of the Andes, it's not only creepy, but deceiving. The poncho was one thing, but the pan flute put it over the edge. I wouldn't give that sneaky doll a dime.
Plush Testicle 12 of 17
An oversized plush testicle may be a bit overwhelming for most people to see in the chubby, little arms of a baby. Though it looks so cute and squeezable, it's nuts. Just tell baby it's a whale with emo bangs. Clearly, I'm having a ball with this one.
Plush Ovary 13 of 17
On its own, this oversized ovary plush toy is actually pretty fantastic, but if you give it to a baby, it gets a little weird. It is an ovary, after all. But its cute face and squeezable quality may win in the end. And just think, you can teach your baby about the gland which produces eggs and releases hormones. OK, it's weird again.
Jack in the Box 14 of 17
This toy is a double whammy of terror. First, It's a toy which springs out at you from a box with violent force. And it is also a clown. It doesn't matter that you know the "Pop Goes the Weasel" song and when the weasel will lurch out at you, it still scares the hell out of you, every time.
Kewpie Dolls 15 of 17
Kewpie dolls make me uncomfortable with that wide-eyed, crazed look on their faces. That face seems to be saying "I'm cute", but if you stood them next to a crime scene, it's the face of a liar who suspiciously says, "I didn't do it." And the soldier theme isn't helping. Pair the rosy-cheeked dolls with scary organ music and I'll be jumping out of my skin.
Teddy Scare 16 of 17
This undead bear called Hester Golem would almost be considered cute if it weren't for her exposed brain. It comes with its own obituary file card and body bag. Yeah, probably not the toy for a giggling baby.
Laughing and Crying Baby Doll 17 of 17
This doll laughs and cries when you squeeze it. Oh. hell. no. Any toy that could potentially start laughing, on its own, when you're home alone, at night is NEVER an option.
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