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17 Weird, Scary, Kooky, or Otherwise Inappropriate Baby Toys
by Andrea Wada Davies
| Posted 1 year ago
Some of these toys are weird. Some are just wrong. And some are the “please never leave me alone in a room with it” kind. But they are all potentially traumatizing, and if not to babies, to us. Here are 17 toys that are masters of fright.
Clowns of Any Type
Whether it's a tin wind up clown, a clown doll, or even a plush, pillow-soft version, clowns are possibly some of the scariest things in existence. That painted-on smile over that stark white face is hiding the fact that he is a deranged lunatic who wants to chase you in your nightmares with his big, floppy, oversized shoes.
Scary Cymbal Monkey
This monkey smashes his cymbals neurotically and stares at you through his bloodshot, hypnotic eyes with one goal in mind: to haunt you...
Cyclops Brain Baby Car
Don't let the cute baby in the photo deceive you with her seemingly content look. She's terrified. As she should be, riding around in the brain of a cyclops head with really bad teeth.
The Zombie Cat called Deathmittens
is the kind of scary whose bark is bigger than its bite. Her name suggests terror, but she's the cutest damn zombie cat you ever did see.
This doll is like Chucky's country bumpkin cousin. He's the country creepy to Chucky's city freaky.
You Can Shave the Baby Toy
I know. You don't quite know what to say. There's a lot going on here. The scariest part is that this doll is encouraging young children to use a razor. But equally as scary is the placement of the hair on the dolls. And, that the doll is wearing "hair suspenders" (some may argue "hair leiderhosen"). And, that he looks like a mix between Carrot Top and David Hasslehoff.
Breaking Bad Plush Toys
Though we all want them for our offices, bookshelves, mantles, etc., Walt and Jessie may not be the best cuddle buddies for your little one. Crystal meth producers/dealers aren't the most comforting of toys, even in plush form.
German Antique Dolls
Is it the makeup? Is it the braids? Or is it that glassy look in her eyes? Whatever it is, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room as this spooky, doll lady. I think most babies would feel the same.
Ludovico the Hip Hop Monkey
This hip-hop monkey
is made of leather, brass, wood and rabbit fur and has mad skillz on the mic. But It's the hand-carved wooden monkey skull that would probably deter anyone from buying this for a tiny tyke. That, and the $260 price tag.
Tips for scarring baby for life: 1. Create a long, dangly doll with the scariest face you could ever imagine. 2. Make it move and dance around in a weird, wobbly way using strings that can't be seen. 3. Show it to a baby.
Dolls Wearing Disguises
In my opinion, all dolls are slightly, if not completely scary. But when you take a normal, formal-occasion doll and dress him like a street performer playing Music of the Andes, it's not only creepy, but deceiving. The poncho was one thing, but the pan flute put it over the edge. I wouldn't give that sneaky doll a dime.
An oversized plush testicle may be a bit overwhelming for most people to see in the chubby, little arms of a baby. Though it looks so cute and squeezable, it's nuts. Just tell baby it's a whale with emo bangs. Clearly, I'm having a ball with this one.
On its own, this oversized ovary plush toy is actually pretty fantastic, but if you give it to a baby, it gets a little weird. It is an ovary, after all. But its cute face and squeezable quality may win in the end. And just think, you can teach your baby about the gland which produces eggs and releases hormones. OK, it's weird again.
Jack in the Box
This toy is a double whammy of terror. First, It's a toy which springs out at you from a box with violent force. And it is also a clown. It doesn't matter that you know the "Pop Goes the Weasel" song and when the weasel will lurch out at you, it still scares the hell out of you, every time.
Kewpie dolls make me uncomfortable with that wide-eyed, crazed look on their faces. That face seems to be saying "I'm cute", but if you stood them next to a crime scene, it's the face of a liar who suspiciously says, "I didn't do it." And the soldier theme isn't helping. Pair the rosy-cheeked dolls with scary organ music and I'll be jumping out of my skin.
This undead bear called Hester Golem
would almost be considered cute if it weren't for her exposed brain. It comes with its own obituary file card and body bag. Yeah, probably not the toy for a giggling baby.
Laughing and Crying Baby Doll
laughs and cries when you squeeze it. Oh. hell. no. Any toy that could potentially start laughing, on its own, when you're home alone, at night is NEVER an option.