The past few days have been a stressful one for me. I don’t know what specifically is bothering Silver, but he has not been himself. I know it’s not a surprise that he cries — he has colic after all, but he seems to have upped the screaming and fussiness and not decreased it.
He won’t nap.
He won’t settle.
He won’t unlatch.
He just generally seems miserable, more than usual, and I can’t seem to pinpoint why. It breaks my heart and, to be honest, makes me feel like I am not really doing that great of a job.
Funny how motherhood will do that to you.
Two nights ago, after days and nights of very little actual sleep and being so over-touched from holding Silver day and night, I thought I was going crazy. I am usually really good at managing the chaos of children, and it take a lot to get my patience to wear thin — but I was almost there.
It was like the fourth hour of him being latched, breastfeeding, and fussy. I hadn’t slept, eaten, or showered in way too long and I was just done with it. I wasn’t helping him, I couldn’t get him to be happy, and then something happened in one second that just changed my mood completely.
He reached up for the first time, looked me right in the eyes, brought his little hand up to my face, touched my cheek, and smiled.
And I just melted.
All the frustration I was feeling completely went away and everything made sense again. I could see that I was doing something for him and while he’s done a few of those things separately, the combination of all the different ways he made that connection was just nothing short of magic.
And exactly what I needed.
Photo credit: © Devan McGuinness
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Devan is a freelance writer living in Toronto, Ontario with her husband and four kids. No, those aren’t her kids real names — they’re online pseudonyms. Read more from Devan on Babble and “like” Accustomed Chaos on Facebook!