Bad Parent: Anger Management
I lose my temper, and I think that's okay.
by Sarah Irwin
February 20, 2008
Even though we have been taught that anger toward a child, more often than not, is inappropriate, changing norms can't alter base human emotions. And just why is anger so maligned? Are we doing our children any favors by hiding our own anger, or perhaps letting it out in passive ways that are ultimately just as, if not more, harmful than a spanking? Searching my local library's database, I found shelves of parenting advice, with titles like The Wonder Years, Smart Love, and Your Confident Child. When it came to anger, however, there was not much to be found. Beyond the outdated A Good Housekeeping Parent Guide — Battles, Hassles, Tantrums, and Tears: Strategies for Coping with Conflict and Making Peace at Home (the clip-art image on the cover shows an alarm clock ringing while a mother with pearl earrings pulls at her child's arm, attempting to get him out of bed) the only book I found dealing directly with parental anger was Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma by Nancy Samalin.
Samalin notes that children bring "warmth, humor, boundless energy, and creativity" to a household, but "by their nature . . . bring to the family environment disorder, aggravation, ambiguity, and turmoil" as well. She goes on to note that "many people find it hard to accept that such an intensity of negative feelings could be radiating from them to their (normally) beloved, innocent children. If our capacity to feel terrible anger for the children we love distresses us, it is our capacity to speak and act from those angry feelings that so often fills us with horror and self-loathing."
But it fair for us to always deny our own extremes, or to loathe ourselves for being human in the midst of such a challenging job?
Why is anger so maligned?
A friend with three children under the age of seven puts it this way: being drawn into a confrontation with your child is like being drawn into a confrontation with your own mother — you know it's probably the better choice to step away, but there's a child in you that wants to be angry. Parents are not emotionless robots. If we were, we would not know the abounding love only a parent can have for a child. Unfortunately, along with that come raw edges, which can only serve as constant reminders of our profound inability to reach parental perfection. And perhaps this isn't such an awful thing. My brother, today a successful family physician, has received many awards and accolades over the years, and with every one, his imperfect mother beamed with pride.
©2008 Sarah Irwin and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Sarah Irwin is a freelance writer who lives with her husband and one-year-old son, Will, near Chicago, IL. Although he now sleeps through the night, Will just learned how to throw food. |
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