Bad Parent: Fight Club
Why my wife and I argue in front of the kids.
by Darren Taffinder
July 31, 2008
Like everything in parenting, when it comes to fighting, you're damned if you do and certainly damned if you don't. My brother-in-law's parents never argued in front of him while they were growing up. In fact, he has never seen them utter a cross word to each other in his entire life. As a result, rather than seeing squabbles as part of a healthy relationship, he saw them as a sign of doom. He broke up with several girlfriends during his twenties just because they had an argument.
I'm not suggesting you should pull up chairs so that your children can have front-row seats to your fights. Nor am I suggesting that all arguments are positive life experiences. A few years ago, a friend and her ex had an argument in front of their six-year-old son during which the ex threatened to punch her. Not a great male role model there.
What I am saying is that we all need to relax a little. We have become so anxious about the negative impacts our actions have on our kids that we have lost all sense of balance. Our children's psyches are not delicate spider webs. They are actually much sturdier than we give them credit for. Though, like every adult, I question a number of Mom and Dad's dubious parenting decisions ("Oh, he'll grow out of it" isn't a great strategy for dealing with dyslexia), I don't think their arguing had a negative effect on me.
Life is stressful, and, sometimes, we all need to release our inner Hulk.
I was too busy playing with my Star Wars figures, and, as I got older, trying to summon the courage to talk to girls, to take much notice of them. And when it comes to arguing, you can't always wait until the kids are asleep. That's a recipe for simmering resentment.
Just as too much arguing is a sign of a bad relationship, so is too little. My wife and I are about average on the arguing bell curve. We both have our moments, and I think it's good for our daughter to see all sides of a relationship. Sometimes we pick fights with each other just to clear the air. In many ways, a good fight is like a violent summer storm, and it's a great way to relieve the tensions that build up in our daily lives. Life is stressful, and, sometimes, we all need to release our inner Hulk.
What did our daughter think of our blow out? Did we permanently psychologically damage her for life? Well, it's probably too early to tell, but I don't think she's going to need long-term counselling. She's seen us argue before and she knew that we weren't going to get divorced or separate. She was, dare I say it, happy — more money for the swear box! At the end, my wife and I both apologized to each other, and I think that's the best lesson. No matter what you say in the heat of the moment, afterwards there is always a "sorry," and that's definitely good for our children to witness.
©2008 Darren Taffinder and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Darren Taffinder is a freelancer writer, and lives in New York City with his
wife and daughter. He is working in his first novel. |
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