Bad Parent: Playing Favorites
I like one of my kids best.
by Keri Fisher
January 24, 2008
I have long suspected that my mother favored my older sister. I'm not sure
if this is something I actually witnessed, or something my sister surreptitiously
manipulated me into feeling. Whatever the case, I embodied the much-maligned
younger sibling to a T.
Many years ago, before I had my own children, I was having coffee with my aunt
when she confessed that she favored one of her children over the other. Actually,
it wasn't really a confession — there was nothing guilty or secretive
about it — it was more a statement of fact. I felt vindicated; here was
an adult, a parent, admitting something I had always believed taboo. I confided
that I had long suspected that my mother favored my sister. My aunt, alas, didn't
disagree.
Now that I have kids, I find that favorites do exist, even at an early age. Of
course, at this age the preference is more age-based than anything else: at the
ripe old age of three, my son Declan is capable of carrying on a conversation
and sharing a Frappucino, both activities I enjoy. Ronan, on the other hand,
just shy of two, is capable of head-butting his cousins and throwing his food
on the floor.
Don't get me wrong — I'm not saying that I love one of my kids
more than the other, or that I'm likely to "accidentally" leave
one at the gas station. When Ronan wraps his grubby little arms around my neck,
puts his head on my shoulder and sighs, "Mommy," my heart actually
hurts with love. But whether it's age-based or personality driven, I'm
sure that as my kids grow up I'll like them in different ways.
And research confirms that I'm not alone. A 1997 Cornell A Cornell study found that 80% of older moms admitted to having a favorite child.University study found
that 80 percent of older moms (anonymously) admitted to having a favorite child.
The study also found that 60 percent of children could not identify who was their
mother's favored child. So that's some small comfort: we may have
a favorite child, but we don't let it show.
A recent thread on a parenting message board begins with the post, "I know,
it's taboo to admit. But do you have a favorite child?" The poster explains, "To
me, it's like any other relationship. I have a large group of friends and I love
them all dearly, each in their own way for their own reason. But there are one
or two who just click better with me. I can't even place why. It just feels different." The
poster closes with, "Needless to say, I love ALL of my children," which
struck me as a little defensive.
When I asked other parents if they had a favorite child, many looked at me with
a mix of shock and disgust. Some professed to having no partiality at all. Others
claimed that preferences were situational. And then there were the really honest
ones.
"ABSOLUTELY," (her emphasis, not mine) wrote one friend in response
to my email. "It was my middle son. We thought alike and loved to do things
together." She admitted, "I know he knows that he was the favorite
but I doubt the other two knew."
Another mother writes of her daughter, "I really feel like there is just
a different connection there. It's so strong. It's just this amazing feeling." The
same mother recalls her own mother's favoritism: "I was never hurt over
it. I've always understood that my mom loved me but just clicked with my brother."
©2008 Keri Fisher and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Keri Fisher has written for Saveur, Gastronomica, Cook's
Illustrated, and Boston Magazine, and is the author of One Cake, One
Hundred Desserts (William Morrow 2006). She and her sister blog about their communal household at whoelsewantstoliveinmyhouse.com. |
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