Bad Parent: Playing Favorites
I like one of my kids best.
by Keri Fisher
January 24, 2008
So why are so many parents loathe to admit what one father calls "an obvious
truth"? Because as parents, it's hard for us to separate love from
like. Admitting that your personality is more compatible with one of your kids
than the other is by no means a reflection of love. But many people see it that
way.
Stacy DeBroff, founder of momcentral.com, calls favoritism "somewhat inevitable." She
explains, "As a parent, you find yourself drawn to a child who is most like
you — traits that you can identify with and deeply empathize with as you
experience them yourself." Though I have yet to see my own experiences
reflected in my young children, save Declan's fear of the dark and occasional
bed-wetting, I do see this happening with my sister, whose six-year-old daughter
is a carbon copy of herself at the same age. As such, she is dramatic and fiercely
resentful of all the "little kids" in our communal household (that
would be Declan and Ronan and her three younger siblings). Whereas I, a younger
sibling myself, might have told her to suck it up (in nicer terms, of course),
my sister, who was fiercely resentful of having to share a room with me at the
same age, decided to convert a storage room into a bedroom for her oldest daughter.
While my sister insists that she doesn't favor any of her five children, clearly
she feels a certain affinity for the daughter whose experiences most closely
match her own.
For other parents, it's the kids most like them who are the hardest to relate
to. When we see our own flaws reflected in our children, For many harried parents, the favored child is simply the easiest one.it can be hard to tolerate.
One mother confesses her preference for her daughter, going on to say, "[My
son], well, I love him but, my God, does he ever get on my nerves. Apparently
he's just like me, and that's the problem."
For many harried parents, the favored child is simply the easiest one. As one
friend joked, his favorite was "whichever one is most soundly asleep at
the time." In response to the aforementioned bulletin board posting, one
mother wrote, "Right now the baby is my favorite, but that's b/c he can't
talk back to me and doesn't dump his toys all over the floor. . .YET!!" Another
mother confessed, "Heck, sometimes the best any of them can do is 'least-annoying!'"
In some cases, the kids do the deciding for you. My three-year-old isn't
shy about voicing his preferences; when I ask him how much he loves me, he throws
his arms open as wide as they can go; when my husband asks the same, Declan holds
his thumb and forefinger a half-inch apart. And when two-year-old Ronan wakes
up in the morning, it's always with an ear-splitting "Daddy!"
But I'm sure this won't always be the case. Just as my favorite will change as
my sons grow up and develop their personalities, so too will theirs change as
they reject conversations and Frappucinos for chess or football or whatever they
choose to do. I expect that one day down the road, they will ask me which one
I prefer. And I'll borrow the line of this smart mother: "I will always
love you both totally equally. But from time to time, I like one of you better
than the other." And who might that be at any given moment? A good parent
never tells.
©2008 Keri Fisher and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Keri Fisher has written for Saveur, Gastronomica, Cook's
Illustrated, and Boston Magazine, and is the author of One Cake, One
Hundred Desserts (William Morrow 2006). She and her sister blog about their communal household at whoelsewantstoliveinmyhouse.com. |
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