Captain Crunch (known to many as Cap’n Crunch) is rumored to have been forced into retirement, owing to a run-in with the food police. Of course, Cap’n Crunch is no stranger to controversy. For example, you might assume from his uniform that he served in the Navy, but in fact the Navy has no records of anyone by the last name of Crunch ever serving, much less as a Captain. Moreover, I’ve heard tales of things the Captain has done in international waters that would turn a crunchberry sour if I were to repeat them (by the way, there’s no such thing as crunchberry. Another of Cap’n Crunch’s crimes). So is it true? Has Quaker decided to retire the Cap’n?
No, Quaker has no plans to retire Cap’n Crunch. The rumor started when an article on Daily Finance noted the sailor’s diminished presence on the Quaker website, which was then picked up on a Fox News blog which complained that he was a victim of the food police, because somehow unhealthy eating has become a conservative cause celebre.
But fear not, the food police haven’t gotten to Captain Crunch. He’ll still be out there battling the Soggies and pirates. Or else being a pirate. Just know that he’ll be out there doing whatever it is he does and according to Quaker spokespeople, you can still buy that cereal you ate too much of freshman year of college and that really hurts the roof of your mouth.