Let’s just say, this year, these Moms and Dads won’t be taking home any parenting awards.
It’s Britney, bitch! The young Miss Spears is a drinking, drugging, soda pop pushing, nekkid, crotch-showing, devil-may-care behind the wheel kind of gal. While this has provided all of us with endless hours of entertainment, one look at the sweet little grubby faces of Sean Preston and Jayden James takes all the schadenfreude out of this American nightmare. It’s about the children, Brit. It’s about the children. Lest you think Britney has no allies besides the “Leave Britney Alone!” screamer, check this out.
How did this guy get fatherhood props? K-Fed has also got to shoulder some blame in this familial train wreck instead of sitting back and playing video games with his toddlers, which of course looks good compared to naked trips to Starbucks, but is still far from Dr. Spock. The dude has four kids and no job other than holding the world record in finger-crossing as the courts get closer to announcing how much of Britney’s money he’s going to be carrying off. And don’t tell us he had no idea what madcap antics were going on in his house and his wife’s car. The parenting mistakes are not one-sided here. Kevin, you need to Step. It. Up.
It’s true that the former Mrs. McCartney has been vilified in the press after her break-up with the cute one. But throwing $200,000 birthday parties for her four year-old (money that perhaps would be better spent on therapy), and giving a public demonstration of her own mental illness, did not endear her to the masses or promote a safe environment for little Beatrice. To perpetuate the crazy, Mills recently hired a new French “aristocrat” publicist and enemy of Barbara Walters, Michele Elyzabeth, who blogs about Heather alongside her dog and some random hair dresser to the stars. Hey Heather, how about throwing some of that Beatle money into parenting classes instead of supporting a crazy Frenchie not seen since the likes of Zinedine Zidane?
Dog the Bounty Hunter
What does your dad have to do to you in order to make you publicly humiliate him and cut off all that TV money? Dog’s son, Tucker the Bounty Hunter, turned in the tape of Dog spewing nasty racist remarks and promptly got the reality show star dressed down. Dog says he was trying to warn off Tucker from his son’s girlfriend who is black and apparently a bad influence on the recently paroled twenty-year-old, and apparently needed to be a complete dirt bag while doing so. Still, you’ve gotta think that something else was going on in that household that caused Tucker to destroy it from the inside. Hmmm, let’s take a stab that it’s something less Shakespearan and more corporal punishment-like, yes?
While killing the mother of one’s children should qualify a person for worst parent of all time, since the glove didn’t fit, we’ll just play along with that not-guilty verdict for now. But we’re starting to think that O.J. wants to go to prison. First Simpson decides to muse about the double murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman in his fantasy tell-all, If I Did It. But apparently the book advance couldn’t cover the rising cost of Simpson’s Oxycontin addiction/child care, so The Juice decided to sell some of his football memorabilia after retrieving it at gunpoint. Does anyone else think these children would be much better served if the authorities just went ahead and locked that man up?
Courtney Love is a whole lot of mess, which doesn’t necessarily have to translate into bad parenting, but in this case, it does. She took heroin during her pregnancy, according to a Vanity Fair article which she now refutes. In 2003, she overdosed on the celebrity drug of choice, Oxycontin, and was arrested for possession, resulting in the loss of custody of then eleven-year-old Francis Bean. In addition to a wildly unstable home life, Francis Bean has to live in a world where mom’s misspelled/misguided blog is available to everyone with a MySpace account.
Letting a public and messy drug addict hang out with your toddler qualifies as shaky judgment, at best. But Pete Doherty isn’t the only bad influence in Moss’ young daughters’ life. Moss can hold her own in the seemingly popular arena of drug-influenced parenting. After being busted for cocaine possession, Moss started what will surely be a long line of self-esteem-destroying disappointments for her daughter Grace, when she reportedly missed her third birthday due to the requisite rehab stay. But at least Moss was cleaning up, cuz we’ve got Jo Frost on speed dial.
The Hoff is no stranger to booze. Booze and burgers, that is. Having gone through rehab, he asked his (presumably mortified) daughters to film him if he ever fell off the wagon. Being the co-dependent children of an addict, they complied and daughter Taylor Ann caught this beauty. As if his music videos were not enough of an embarrassment. The video made its way onto Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, and other celebrity news outlets. Losing visitation rights
Flava Flav may know what time it is, but does he know his kids’ names and their mothers’ names? Coming in at seven, from three different mothers, this man can’t finish a thought but apparently he can finish when it counts. And when one of Flav’s offspring showed up on camera on his own reality show, wearing a “Winning Against Deadbeat Dads” shirt, it became clear that Flav was not picking up the bill for Gymboree classes. Flav has also had his driver’s license revoked forty-eight times, so you know he’s not taking those kids out for a Sunday drive either. Tragically, we could see more Baby Flav’s come about as a result of the latest season of Flavor of Love.
I told you so!” were the first words from Larry Birkhead, who was presumably channeling a twelve-year-old boy, as he found out he was indeed the biological father of Danielynn, the daughter of Anna Nicole Smith. While most new parents would be holding their offspring tight and taking them out of harm’s way, Birkhead was securing “exclusive” interviews and photo ops. There was plenty of sordid behavior by all the players in this very special episode of Montel, but we were all praying for a little normality for baby Danielynn, whose life began with the death of her half-brother, Daniel, and continues in the custody of (gay? sperm-mixing? friends with benefits to Howard K. Stern?) Birkhead.
In the past year, Alec Baldwin has become a famous asshole thanks to his vitriolic voice mail to his eleven-year-old daughter. While most parents could relate to going nuts on occasion with their kids, the thing that shocked the public was the barnyard talk. Alec calls his daughter “a thoughtless, rude little pig.” Naturally, the tape was leaked by ex-wife Kim Basinger to use in the custody battle. And putting her daughter’s personal humiliation out there for the world to hear doesn’t exactly qualify Basinger for mother of the year.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards
Booze, drugs and hookers are no stranger to Mr. Charles Sheen – and becoming a father to two adorable girls with mom Denise Richards did not seem to be enough to make the Sheen/Estevez black sheep change his ways. You know things are all kinds of effed up when you’re taking your two- and three-year-old babies to therapy. Hmm, could it be the seriously nasty divorce proceedings with accusations from molestation to sperm stealing being tossed around? Sadly, this leaves the kids all alone with their Wild Things and Men at Work DVDs.
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown
“Crack is whack!” So says former diva and current mess, Whitney Houston. Apparently when the money ran out for the non-whack coke, pot and booze, the Browns decided to make some quick cash by letting the world see why child protective services should be called, and pronto. We all wanted to form an intervention, and apparently the Houston family made it happen because Whit came in and out of rehab and dumped that chump, resulting in the nasty custody battle that still wages. Still, visions of the two of them slurring singing in the hotel gift shop will haunt their daughter, Bobbi Kris, forever. Or maybe that’s just us . . .