50 Moms We Love to HateMadeline Holler
As the story of Octomom Nadya Suleman quickly unfolded, you weren’t alone in going from eye-rolling to dismay to a deep and sustained loathing of this woman you have never met. While it makes you feel icky that you actually care, you know Nadya’s in good company: she’s not the only mom you hate. There are dozens – from the beautiful and elite to the desperate and trashy. They’re on TV, in the movies, in the news, at the park. One’s hosting next week’s playgroup.
We say “hate,” but not in the Biblical sense, more like a loathing, a sense of disgust and jealousy. These moms bring out our worst feelings and many times unjustifiably so. We’ve compiled a list of such moms to remind us that mama-hate didn’t start with Nadya. There’s always been a loathsome mother in our lives and yours. – Madeline Holler
The woman loved babies so much, she went and had fourteen of them – nearly all in one shot – and didn’t even worry about how she would house and feed them and, you know, get them back and forth to school. “The Lord will provide,” she said. “Taxpayers is more like it,” we responded. Oh, how we hate Nadya Suleman! And how we enjoy it!
Love the kids, love the humanitarian work. Hate the sanctimony, pretend-scorn toward the paparazzi and how she’s building a family with the eye of a Beanie Babies collector.
Enough already! Enough kids, enough “J” names, enough ruffled blouses, enough of the RV. Michelle Duggar is the life we never wanted and then some.
How did this sniping, ungrateful star of Jon & Kate Plus 8 get her own show and accompanying pile of gold? Would she please, just once, smile or say “yes” to her kids, and maybe “thanks” to Jon? Also, what’s with the Victoria Beckham haircuts? Oh, speaking of …
Can’t explain it, but we hate her. Maybe it’s the malnourished body, upping the fashion ante for soccer moms at practice, the pictorials insisting that hot married sex isn’t an oxymoron.
The AT&T mom who’s obsessed with rollover minutes.
Wag that finger on someone else’s flatscreen.
Rule #1: Never date, much less marry, the guy whose poster your teen daughter kisses every night. Rule #2: If disregarding Rule #1, at least don’t include new teen heart-throb husband in sex talk with daughter, as Scout has reported she did.
We’re still bitter that three weeks after giving birth she trod half-naked down the catwalk for a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. She explained her lack of flab as “good genes.” We hate that she just won’t tell us it was surgery.
The mom with too much advice
Especially those who are too willing to share. Save it for the blog. Talk behind our backs. But don’t lean over us while we’re nursing on a park bench and tell us the baby could use a pair of socks. And fewer immunizations. Or less time in the bouncy seat.
The frumpy clothes that never change. The way she never loses her shit. How she won’t show concern for her son’s inability to grow hair on his head. Were she not a cartoon, she would probably enjoy singing along to the theme song, which, for the record, we also hate.
Tiny, squeaky and shilling Electrolux washers in three-acre laundry rooms everywhere we look. Who is Kelly kidding – she hasn’t done laundry in years.
Meaning, you have to. In front of her.
If it wasn’t the fact that she served bunless, meatless hotdogs at one of Lola’s first b-day parties in the U.K., it was recent revelations that she smears herself with heavy creams and slips into a plastic baggie before bed. We wanted Madonna to show us the way as a powerful, self-possessed mother of three who made and remade an entire industry. Instead, she’s a disappointment. We hate that.
Not for her politics, so much as her unwillingness to listen to the other side of any argument. She’s shrill. She interrupts. Plus, you just know your kids aren’t good enough to play with hers.
Highlights on peach fuzz? Spray tans on thigh rolls? Whoever invented the infant/toddler beauty pageant, well, we hate her too.
Moms who book their kids on Dr. Phil to talk about what
insolent little freaks they are.
Other moms who use their kids to satisfy their own megalomania and financial gain.
Wrecking one life wasn’t enough, she’s going for a second with Ali, Lindsay’s little sister.
She’s sent her two girls down the path of self-destruction and plum run out of kids. But those grandsons? Little Maddie Briann? You know she’s already scheming.
Technically speaking, he’s a father. But the way he trots out Dannielynn, his daughter with deceased model/actress/kept woman/yo-yo dieter Anna Nicole Smith, earns him a spot on ours – or any – hate list. Plus, there’s talk of his own show.
The stay-at-home-mom with one child and a nanny.
Given, bitter envy makes us loathe this mother. And also? Confusion. Why bring the nanny along to story time? The pool? Doctor’s appointments? Why can’t this mom be alone with her child?
The heroine of the musical Gypsy (most recently played on Broadway by Patti Lupone) is the ultimate stage mother: she hustles, lies, sleeps around and steals, all for the goal of making her daughters into Vaudeville stars. Yes, we love her – but we love it even more when her daughter gets revenge by becoming a world-famous stripper.
What is it about America’s one-time sweetheart that makes us hate her these days? The lips? Yes, probably the lips. Age with us, Meg, age with us.
She’s the Nadya Suleman of the rich and famous, what with all her having babies against our better judgment. But hate for Britney doesn’t last long – and won’t as long as she stays barren for at least ten years.
This onetime candidate for Vice President unleashed such fury of hate – not just for her conservative politics or the fact that she was so smooth, vibrant, smart and well-spoken that she scared the pants off smug Democrats – but for her inability to keep the story straight. Is the working mom life really so simple? How was her teen daughter’s decision to have a baby not an exercise of choice writ large? And why, oh why!, is it wrong to ask the government to help families financially, unless there’s a child with Down syndrome involved?
She wishes you’d give your nursing baby “real food” and stop calling wooden beads choking hazards. You’re the reason her son is fat and never calls. Also, she asked you to take the family picture. Subtle.
Some think that children of divorce should be protected from the fallout of their parents’ bad marriage. But Denise Richards has put her daughters with Charlie Sheen front and center. This mom is as unconscionable as her show is unwatchable. Nothing complicated about that.
The 2008 election ruined Cindy McCain for us. So stiff. So stern. So mad at us for no reason!
She addresses everyone as “mamas” and “sisters” and talks about her periods and sex life and signs that she’s ovulating (e.g. clear cervical mucus! Feeling randy!) even though your online group includes guys and women she’s never met and was mainly formed to sell used baby gear and get pediatrician recommendations.
As seen in the documentary My Kid Could Paint That, four-year-old Marla Olmstead attained worldwide fame as an abstract painter – only to have her cred taken away when a 20/20 episode accused her parents of faking it. Do we hate her parents for passing their kid off as a bona fide artist – or are we just jealous that they thought of it first?
Aaaaaah. Now there’s a mom who said “no” to her kids (see #12), and not just about wardrobe storage tools. It’s weird that we hate her, since she makes us feel better about our own pointless tirades.
CNN’s Nancy Grace
Congrats on the twins, Nancy. Now quit accusing us with those eyes. Not everybody is a baby killer/student-molester. Not every abductee owes you an interview!
She’s like the mom-with-too-much-advice (see #9) but on steroids. There’s no
topic she won’t debate with you – a person she’s never met – in a forum with several hundred subscribers. Also, she’s condescending, easily shocked by your ignorance and sad – sad for you and especially your poor, poor child.
“Momma’s Boys” moms
There’s something so unsettling about mothers who willingly watch their sons feel up women in hot tubs on this NBC reality show. Are these moms also going to help Junior towel off during his honeymoon?
She’s definitely guilty of the ultimate parenting fail: making the fat daughter feel unloved and ugly. Our evidence? We learned on Oprah that Naomi called delicate Ashley “sweet pea” and husky Wynonna “sweet tater.”
What a mess.
Annnnd another mess.
PTA president/room mom with the over-plucked eyebrows and updated email list
She won’t learn your name or speak to you directly; she just works those brows until you’ve closed the deal on three dozen buckets of overpriced cookie dough. Also, her emails are cold, stern and filled with accusations of apathy. Reading between the lines, you know she means you.
Proud of your baby who finally started crawling last night? Competi-mom’s kid just took her first steps. Is 18-month-old Lulu speaking in complete sentences? 15-month-old Bella’s writing them.
Barbara Bush, the grandmother
Despite reckless, entitled daughters, we’re willing to give secret-liberal and closet-smoker Laura Bush a pass. But her mother-in-law? Oooooooh, we can’t stand her mother-in-law. Her arrogance! Her smarminess! Her children!
The at-home business mom
We know, we know, she’s just trying to pad the finances. But not only will you not attend anything called a Princess Party, you’re also never hosting one.
The fit mom
You know her daily caloric intake, her weekly miles run, and her monthly appointments with a trainer. She’ll gladly disclose the fat grams in that cupcake you’re holding and the many other reasons she’d never, ever eat one!
We hate Katie Holmes because we used to love Katie Holmes. We used to think it was aDORable that she talked out of the side of her mouth. Now it’s annoying. Tom Cruise ruined everything.
The gluten-free mom (or peanut-free or trans fat-free . . .)
We’re fine when she packs her own snacks, but why criticize ours? We’re not trying to kill her child, which is why we didn’t offer Taylor a triangle of peanut butter and jelly. And no, our toddler’s fit had nothing to do with all that gluten in his diet.
Mean, manipulative and full of rage, the matriarch of the Soprano family made everybody around her miserable. Her son was no saint (and whose fault was that?), but ordering a hit on him?
Margaret White (aka: Carrie’s mom)
She called her daughter’s budding breasts “dirty pillows” and said Carrie’s teen acne was the Lord’s way of chastising her. But Mama cuts to the insecure core in all of us when on hearing Carrie will go to the prom: “They’re all gonna laugh at you.”
It’s not just her opportunistic relationship with America’s once most adorable lesbian. Or that Celestia alien meltdown thing on the beach. Or the sudden romance with a man/marriage/baby Homer/affair with co-star/divorce – all of which is oh, so normal. Rather, we hate her for talking about sexuality as a choice, thereby giving credence to Gay Change therapist quacks everywhere.
She always has it worse than you. Let’s say you only got four hours of sleep last night. Bummer mom got three. Giving antibiotics for an ear infection? Bummer mom’s booking surgery. On your third cup of coffee already? Bummer mom can’t do caffeine, she just gives of herself way more than you.
She’s embarrassed by her daughters, right? Wrong. So we’re totally embarrassed for her. Hate that.
Moms who hate on other moms.
Yes, we hate them too! Oh, we could go on, but now it’s your turn. Tell us the moms YOU love to hate in feedback.