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Christmas Vacation Quotes: Best Quotes From National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

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The very best "Christmas Vacation" quotes

I like “It’s a Wonderful Life” quotes; they make me feel warm and fuzzy. But I love “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” quotes, because they’re much truer to most families’ real lives. We love each other, but, as Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo) so aptly puts it, “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”

Here’s a selection of the best “Christmas Vacation” quotes, including a couple from Cousin Eddie and of course, the jelly of the month club:

Eddie: “If that cat had nine lives it sure used ‘em all.”

Clark: “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of a******* this side of the nuthouse.”

Clark: “If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d***less, hopeless, heartless, fat-a**, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is! Hallelujah! Holy s***! Where’s the Tylenol?”

Uncle Lewis: “You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.”

Clark: “WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.”

Rusty: “Dad, this tree won’t fit in our back yard.” Clark: It’s not going in the yard, Russ. It’s going in the living room.

Art: “The little lights… they aren’t twinkling.” Clark: “I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.”

Eddie: “She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don’t know.”

Clark: “It’s a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.” Eddie: “Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.”

Clark: “We’re gonna have the hap-, hap-, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny f***ing Kaye. ”

Frank Shirley: “I have never been treated like this in my life.” Ellen: “I’m sorry. This is our family’s first kidnapping.”

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