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Dancing with the Stars Premiere: The Young, The Old and The Situation

dancing with the stars cast

DWTS cast has some oldies but goodies

Just to be fair, perhaps Dancing with the Stars should go with the pro golf model and have a seniors tour, because it doesn’t seem fair to pit whippersnappers against members of the AARP. I don’t think the DWTS line-up ever had so many contestants over 50. But, hey, if we all have legs like Florence Henderson at age 76, life will be good. Here’s a rundown of the scores and some commentary, coming from someone who only dances after a minimum of three cocktails containing tequila, so I shouldn’t judge. But I will anyway. Let’s do this in order of scores, lowest to highest:

David Hasselhoff: Do they accept votes from Germany or is this like a presidential election wherein only U.S. citizens count? Because unless his fan base overseas is calling in during what would be the middle of the night their time, I think The Hoff’s DWTS stint is limited. Let’s keep in mind this father of two is 58 and his liver is 258. So all told, I thought he did okay. The judges, unfortunately, didn’t.  Judge Carrie put it this way: “You dance more with your mouth than your body… I could tell you thought it was sexy.” Ouch, apparently she didn’t. But nobody hassles The Hoff, so maybe the kind voting audience will have some mercy. Especially if they speak German. Score: 15/30.

Margaret Cho: I must admit I didn’t make it through her entire dance because I eventually hid under the coffee table shaking in fear. What was with her raging facial expressions? I think Judge Carrie said it best: “I thought you were going to eat somebody!” Cho is funnier (and only slightly) on the comedy stage than she is on the dance floor. My guess is she might be the first to go home. Score: 15/30.

The Situation: Here’s The Situation — there was a lot of pointing. There was some flexing. There wasn’t any good dancing. But to be fair The Situation was stuck finishing shooting Jersey Shore so he only had a few days to practice. At least it’s not Snooki they picked. So from now on I would guess his motto will go from “Gym, tan, laundry” to “Practice, practice, try to make out with one of my co-stars.Score: 15/30.

Michael Bolton: I might be behind the times, but when did he cut his hair? Or were those hair extensions? No matter, the man is 57 and looks pretty darn good. His dancing, not so much. But the father of three grown children has his sense of humor and that’s all that counts in my book. Of his partner Chelsie Hightower he says: “I have shoes older than her.” Score: 16/30.

Florence Henderson: Carol Brady she’s not. I think Carol Brady would punish Florence Henderson for her expletives which ABC unfortunately bleeped out. The world deserves to hear Mrs. Brady curse. This woman is no Buzz Aldrin (she didn’t fly to the moon plus she can dance) and will represent the older generation well on DWTS. Now if only they bring in the six Brady kids for a cameo and Peter sings that song about his voice changing my life will be completeScore: 18/30.

Bristol Palin: Um, didn’t we hear she would dress conservatively for the entire program? Well, if a thigh-lengthed red fringed sheath is conservative, then I’m gonna throw myself a little tea party. She looked adorable and shook her booty pretty well, so good for her. This teen mom will probably last a few shows if Sarah Palin fans have anything to do with it. Unless they didn’t get the “Momma Told Me Not to Come” joke in which case they might be marching to Los Angeles right now. Score: 18/30.

Audrina Patridge: Can’t you just see Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in a frenzy on their cell phones voting for everyone but Patridge since they are probably green with envy? Although, let’s face it, Montag can probably barely get out of bed with the monstrosities strapped to her chest let alone dance. Patridge has a fantastic figure (yay plastic surgery!), plus the judges didn’t seem to hate her. So she and her Hills might be around a while. Score: 19/30.

Kurt Warner: He’s a father of 7! Seven kids! And he seems relatively sane! That alone should get him to the finals in my book. Score: 19/30.

Rick Fox: Yum! I think he could have just stood there perfectly still while Cheryl Burke danced around him and he would have deserved three 10s. If America votes him off anytime soon I’m moving to Europe. Sort of like all of those celebrities who threatened to leave if Bush won the presidency. But I mean it. Score: 22/30.

Kyle Massey: Judge Bruno called him “an adorable, naughty little puppy.” I don’t have anything to add to that. Score: 23/30.

Brandy: She danced pretty well, as evidenced by her high scores. But her daughter has an apostrophe in the middle of her name (Sy’rai) and I think people who put apostrophes in the middle of their children’s names should be punished with several points subtracted from their score when they go on DWTS. Unfortunately, DWTS has not implemented that policy. Score: 23/30.

Jennifer Grey: Baby has not been put in the corner! The Dirty Dancing star and mother of one daughter not only looks about a decade younger than her age (she’s 50!), but she still moves like she did back in the “Time of My Life” days. She seems the favorite, but will she have the fan base voting in? I mean, her only fans may be from her old film days, and well, they might not recognize her. Score: 24/30.

One other observation: did anyone tell Brooke Burke this is a family show? Nice dress. Okay, we know you used to be married to a plastic surgeon — we didn’t need to see the proof during prime time. If you watched, tell us what you thought!

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