Yes, Danielle Staub has an illicit video that’s allegedly about to surface. Danelle Staub, of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, naked? I’m not really interested. In fact, there’s no Real Housewife of New Jersey, or cast member of the Real Housewives of New York, who I’d actually want to see unclad. Kelly Bensimon has already put enough crazy on screen for all of them this season. (though Danielle’s giving her a run for her money)
And yet, I still can’t get enough of the Real Housewives. So here are ten illicit, racy Real Housewives videos we’d actually want to see. And by “we” I mean “me,” since, well, I can’t speak for the rest of you. Read the list, though, and I bet you — the moms among you, at least — will agree:
1. Secret footage of the Housewives scrambling to find a babysitter each time theirs calls in sick. Given that these women seem to go out every night, chances are that they’ve had a significant number of babysitting debacles (many, many, many of them!). Let’s see those breakdowns on tape. Nothing drives a mother to the ledge like a canceled babysitter.
2. The Real Housewives of New York lugging groceries home, down the Manhattan streets. Or even the Brooklyn streets (hello, Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen!). Living in NYC can be a hassle, especially when you buy more than you can handle — and when your personal assistant isn’t picking up her cell.
3. The kids asking, “Mom, why are you hungover again?” Because given the parties, and fights, these woman have endured, there must be some gnarly mornings-after. I’d pay to see these women pre-coffee and before makeup application.
4. Bethenny Frankel ranting against the “housewife” label. Or Ramona doing the same. Or any of the women who work launching into a tirade. Why are we labeling these women “housewives?” Really, I’d love to see at least one of them lose her cool and launch into a feminist rant on the subject.
5. Darning socks. If these women (“the talent”) are going to be labeled housewives, why not make them fill the role? Kelly Bensimon had trouble making pancakes on last week’s episode. Let’s see them tackle other household duties.
6. Footage of the New Jersey Housewives eating at a restaurant that doesn’t have waiter service. Take note, Teresa Guidice: when money is short, you go to the kinds of places where customers order at the counter and then the cash-register guy brings your slightly-wilted sandwich (or very wilted salad) to you in a plastic container. Trust me, I’m an expert on this.
7. Their contract negotiations. Here’s how I see it happening (though I’d love to have video proof)… Kelly: “I’m not doing another season if Bethenny’s on.” Bethenny: “I’m not doing another season if Jill is on.” Jill: “I’m not doing another season unless I get to see the final edits.” Theresa: “I’m not doing another season unless you bail me out of bankruptcy.” Dina: “When will I get a REAL conflict?” Danielle: “If I produce a raunchy tape, can I stay for another season?” Producers: “Pipe down, we’ve already got your signatures on the line.”
8. The drive out to the Hamptons. We see the Real Housewives of New York frolicking it up every summer. Sometimes we even see them packing for the trip. How about seeing them losing their cool (swearing at other motorists, throwing crushed-up coffee cups at the construction crews) on the bumper-to-bumper Long Island Expressway. You know it happens, you just haven’t seen it yet.
9. The other mothers on Meet the Teachers night. Nobody is as tough an audience as other mothers, especially other mothers while on school property. When Theresa goes to pick the kids up, or the Countess LuAnn drops her daughter at the dorm, I’d love to see the looks on the other women’s faces.
10. The real reunion show. Ten years from now, where will these women be? How many will still be solvent (Theresa my merely be the first to enter into bankruptcy)? Will Theresa’s kids be actually movie stars, or just grown-up Toddlers in Tiaras? Will Kelly Bensimon turn out to be the show’s success, or will she still be nuts? Will Bethenny have a whole brood of kids? Will Jill be brave enough to show up? Will the Brownstone have been turned into NJ’s latest theme park? Will Alex and Simon have turned Brooklyn into the Paris of the USA? Will anyone care about Danielle and her naked tape? Will anyone care, period? I’m breathless with anticipation…See you, and them, I hope, in 2020.