Let’s cut through all the crazed rantings, the gnashing of teeth, the rolling of the eyes. I’m pretty sure these women had no idea they were actually being taped for television for millions of viewers to witness — perhaps even someday their children. Here are some observations from last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey:
1. Hands-down, the craziest, most vulgar and most in need of meds (I’m not a pharmacist but maybe Xanax with a touch of Wellbutrin?) is Teresa Giudice. For a second I thought when she lunged at Danielle Staub, frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog, that maybe werewolves really do exist, and it’s not just a storyline on my favorite show True Blood. I was sitting on the edge of my seat anxiously waiting for her to shape shift. I get that Danielle has a sketchy past (and possibly present) and knows how to press her buttons, but nobody can make a sane person respond like Freddie Kruger just annihilated their family. Or maybe the word “nephew” is some kind of mental trigger for Teresa that makes her go ballistic? Her loved ones, in all seriousness, should be worried about her. Not to mention the PR Committee of Franklin Lakes, New Jersey.
2. Caroline Manzo has watched The Godfather too many times and is channeling Marlon Brandon, even his jowls. I kept expecting Al Pacino as Michael Corleone to storm the stage with a dead horse carcasse so Caroline can tuck it under Danielle’s seat cushion next time she flees the stage for her life. Maybe they’re saving that for Part 2.
3. If synchronized eye rolling was an Olympic sport, I’m pretty sure Caroline, Teresa and Jacqueline would take the gold. The Brownstone could sponsor their team!
4. Teresa claims to be fluent in Italian, but I’m not even sure she’s fluent in English. How many times must Andy Cohen ask if she is worried her house will go into foreclosure before she breaks down screaming, “Yes! Yes! God help me YYYEEEESSSSSS!” Unfortunately, Andy gave up after about 10 differently phrased questions asking the same thing so we never got an answer except she has her family and that’s all she needs. Read here: Foreclosure is imminent.
5. Are we supposed to believe people are afraid of that pip-squeak Danny? I think my three-year-old twins girls could take him in a boxing match. Not that we want to resort to that to prove a point…
6. Women are actually buying Teresa’s cookbook? As I had the book open to make recipes, I wouldn’t be able to erase the image of her screaming things like “Skanky b@#$% whore!” and other pleasantries that ruins one’s appetite.
7. Can we all just face facts that Joe Giudice is a pathological liar and Teresa is an enabler? He went to do shots with a neighbor AFTER crashing his car into a tree because he was “shaken up?” That’s about as believable as a suspected homicidal maniac claiming he came upon a dead body, then picked up the gun to do some target practice until the police came, thereby explaining his fingerprints on the murder weapon. The worst part? She seems to believe him. Plus, note to Teresa: hiding financial problems is the same as lying, not “protecting your family.”
8. Danielle sure seems to know how to get a person’s goat. She sits there, pretty much cool as a cucumber while the rest of them go bat-crap crazy just as the mere sight of her. Is that a gift or what? And speaking of meds, what is Danielle on that she sits there, eyes glazed over with boredom, as people hurl insults at her?
9. How many of us are going to try shaving from the cheeks to the chest to get Caroline’s “great skin.” Yeah, me neither.
10. Feel free to shove Andy Cohen if you ever run into him. He’ll laugh and say, “Wow, you’re really strong!”
What did you think? Looking forward to Part 2. Sort of.