In election news, former Roseanne star comedienne Roseanne Barr has decided to run for President of the United States. Yes, that’s right. President of the United States. Another celebrity parent has decided to try and take over the country.
This comes after singer Wyclef Jean attempted and failed at becoming President of Haiti. She has released a very long political campaign speech which we have provided for your enjoyment or lack thereof. This is a warning as it is VERY long:
Greetings Earthlings! Greetings my fellow and sister Taxpayers of America, as well as any members of the Animal Kingdom who might be listening to me now. I speak for you today. I speak Truth to power today in honor of the mothers and grandmothers of this country (and all countries) who are the backbone of this and all countries, and without whose sacrifice, there would be no soldiers to fight in rich men’s war for turf in order to sell weapons, drugs, pornography, and the fried corpses of headless chickens that Colonel Sanders and other Colonels, Generals and contractors within the military industrial complex, genetically modified for mass consumption, and which will soon lead to the ultimate death of the Entire Cosmic Web of Life, including Human Doom.
I’m here today to announce that after a lifetime in TV and show business, and even tougher, raising five children and five grandsons, I have, thanks to much prayer and meditation decided to pursue a less stressful future. I, Roseanne Barr am simply going to fix everything…
Sadly the current leaders of the world–99% of them male, are selfish idiots, moral cowards, greedy incompetents and sexual degenerates who cannot keep their [expletive] in their pants at all, ever, for any reason. In order to save future generations of males, as well as females and animal and plant life forms, I today (mother’s day) declare Patriarchal Politics obsolete, and I call forth Divine Matriarchy, the only thing that can save this sad planet at this late and dying date.
Patriarchy is impotent, and qualitatively unable to solve even the simplest problems in the Cosmos, such as picking up its own socks, or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking directly out of it.
To begin curing this world, I am officially running for President of these United States of America, as well as Prime Minister of Israel (a two-fer) on the brand new “Green Tea Party” ticket.
As all political candidates in America must do, I will refer constantly to my particular religion, which happens to be The Church of Common Sense. Its laws and gospels are nothing more than practical, simple solutions to the problems that currently plague humanity, and i will incorporate all these religious values into my campaign platform.
My Platform is Three fold, and will result in world peace within one year:
STEP ONE: MAKE WAR ILLEGAL, AND LEGALIZE HEMP
allow women to grow it and to make food clothing shelter and fuel from it for pennies. And legalize marijuana too, and let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctor’s pills which destroy the liver. End the War on drugs. this will take the potheads and non-violent drug users out of prisons, where you can get drugs anyway, thereby making room for the violent offenders and the real criminals–the actual threats to world peace.
STEP TWO: CHANGE THE DEMOGRAPHICS OF GOVERNMENT:
Since women make up 53% of the population, as well as the work force, a MINIMUM of Green Tea Party leadership will be female, and given that one in six Americans lives in poverty, at least one sixth of the party’s officials will officially be poor (since generations of rich guys running things has only gotten us here). As Congress people and senators, they will be able to become rich enough to eradicate their own poverty for generations, as well as that of those they represent simply by having access to public policy that decides where public money goes. They will simply direct public money TO THE PUBLIC, a novel idea and something which is not being done at all, ever. A small grant of 1500 dollars can enable a poor woman to start a business that can create wealth and jobs for as many as ten other people within two years.
Poor women know how to get things done well, and on the cheap. They know how to stretch that dollar.
In American, for speaking truth, women are called [expletive]. I seek for next Mother’s Day, a march of who can get the job done–the job of getting the food to the hungry kids in this country and thereby creating real wealth, as well as saving our rich American friends and neighbors. This is just one of my righteous spiritual goals and solutions to the real problems in America!
STEP THREE: (MOST IMPORTANT) I WILL OUTLAW BULL****:
After the passage of this one law, the Patriarchy will inevitably begin to crumble, as will the concept of War itself, which is largely a large load of bull****.
My first act as President and Prime Minister will be to re-configure all Maritime Law. Nothing will move anywhere for a while, as Nemesis is achieved. I will become the Pirate Queen, making Corporate Piracy on the High Seas a High Crime.
No real changes need to be made to the system that exists now and the Prison and Military Complexes will not collapse under Green Tea Party rule, at all.
We will still be able to be the world’s police force and imprison significant numbers of humans for profit. The only real difference is, we will imprison the guilty, the most dangerous people on earth using our strong and vast military to find and arrest them. They won’t be too hard to find, as they are already sitting atop every giant Ponzi scheme of a Big Multinational Corporation, and tax free religion in the world.
The Priest Class, allowed to exist only in service to Military Might (as it always has done) will simply be instructed by my minions to begin making peace, teaching scientific fact and to stop dividing people against each other, and to re-configure a message of co-operation, under penalty of International Law.
The Ruling Classes are less than one percent of the world’s population, yet through their control of trade routes upon the Open Seas, the ungodly pirates that they are, control 99% of the world’s resources, and move them through the world by water. They kill dispassionately and by stealing the wealth of entire communities and classes. After being arrested and tried by a Judicial system NOT heavily weighted in their favor (as now), they shall face a fate more horrifying than death (to them). These greedy moral derelicts will be forced to actually pay back the money they stole, every single plundered dime!!
Without Bull****, the Twin Towers of Patriarchy, Warmongering-Piracy and Woman Hating-Pedophilia will collapse under their own weight.
WITH THE NECESSARY RE-EDUCATION CAMPS, we’ll reinforce the shocking idea that the guilty must pay for their crimes, even if they are wealthy or hiding behind God. It’s imperative that children see their guilty leaders punished, otherwise they grow up to think it OK to rob and hurt and offend, and that you can get away with it simply because you are rich or a priest.
Somewhere, within the concept of Justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this thought completely. The People must have Justice, and so, I want to instate and enshrine the Blessed and Holy Guillotine, a fast and painless execution of Justice, and of execution. There’s simply no kinder way of death than a swift and painless beheading!
–Again, it’s a humane, quick, pain free death. Most people would choose a swift and painless death if they were allowed to vote on it!
There will be those who oppose an ultimate act of Justice against the worst people on earth, and they shall be re-classified as being some of the worst people on earth themselves, and sent to re-education camps. Without the collusion of the “pacifist” the worst things could not continue.
Speculators and bankers, those who poison the earth and create wars for profit, will be required to personally clean the sewers and the land of the toxins they have produced. If they choose not to do the work themselves-as they are usually too sensitive for such unpleasantries-then they’ll foot the bill and be required to pay ten times the minimum wage per worker hour. If they cut corners, or make things in any way unsafe for any worker, they will be arrested and tried and punished by The People’s new System of Justice.
Though it may surprise you, the capitalist system will remain in place until somebody comes up with a system of barter that serves the needs of most, and not of the few at the expense of the many. I want a new capitalism, one not fueled by wars, one that doesn’t pass all its wealth to a handful of white guys and call that free trade. One wherein the elderly actually get paid their retirement monies. We’ll have capitalism, but we’ll also have social welfare programs and education and basic compassion and health care. I’m talking about a system that rewards hard work and ambition but cares for its weakest child. Being called a Femi-nazi for saying these things will be considered treasonous.
We will simply combine capitalism and socialism, and create People-ism–where both ideas work together for a functional system. No one shall cling blindly to a single unyielding ideology just because of bloated obese talk radio hosts who tell the starving to tighten their belts, or that damned Ayn Rand book. People and societies do not work like machines. You actually have to have compromise, adjust, and make reasonable choices. COMMON SENSE!
THE MID-EAST CRISIS…YES IT CAN BE SOLVED WITH COMMON SENSE TOO!
As Prime Minister of Israel, I’ll introduce a bill to the Knesset that will simply do away with Patriarchy there, as well. All religious books that advocate the burning of witches or the execution of gays will become passe and will simply be disregarded as obsolete.
My next bill of legislation will cause Peace, by simply paying the Palestinian people not to shoot at the Israelis! For far less than the cost of Israel’s unusable 250 nuclear warheads, we can build schools and hospitals and give every Palestinian a great job. We can put the Pal back into Palestinian!
Just ten of the world’s Jewish Billionaires have more than enough to transform the occupied territories. American Jews who support the settlements in Palestinian territories will be required to go and live in them, freeing up their homes in Beverly Hills for Palestinians who may choose to leave their homelands.
Any Israeli settlements to be built in the Capital of Palestine, East Jerusalem, must be built for Palestinians to live in! This way, the Israeli companies who work with Haliburton and have received no-bid contracts from American Tax Payers, can still keep building!! The Palestinian People will also have decent housing to live in, as they are the majority of Israel’s labor force! In other words, the entire problem in the Middle East will be addressed in my administration as a Labor Issue, and NOT a religious issue.
No more wars will be necessary.
Arabe billionaires, Christian billionaires, Russian and and Chinese Billionaires will be required to kick in to solve the problem too, since peace in the middle east is also in their best interests. Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere and grab the money (Arafat died with 30 billion dollars of his people’s money in a french bank account) will be marched to the Blessed Lady and subsequently beheaded. Isn’t that easier/better than some endless bloody conflict?
As POTUS and PMOI, I will shut down those who make the Jewish People their Moral Hostages…namely the Rothschild banking family, who coincidentally are the reason people hate the Jews!!
The time for all grudges and blood libels will be done. I don’t like Jewish attitudes towards Christians and Muslims, nor do I like what Christians think of Jews and Muslims, nor what Muslims think about Jews or Christians! I simply care nothing for any of these religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed–unlike the Church of Common Sense–All Abrahamic religions refer to God as ‘He’ instead of ‘She’ and all three would burn me at the stake for using the word GODDESS.
In the new world, every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children and animals and all humans with the stolen money we have commanded our troops to recover.
Each Grandmother is responsible for at least one hundred people around her, as is normal now anyway, and she will answer to the Grandmother at the head of her district. Each District Head answers to the Tribunal Council of Matriarchs. The titular heads of the Worldwide Association of Matriarchal Tribunals will answer to the Head of the World Family, which is of course, Me.
In this New Age, war is no longer a business. War profiteering is punishable by the Guillotine. To keep these deaths to a minimum, all Presidents, Prime Ministers and Queens (there will be NO kings) will be required to fight in the very first infantry wave of any war they authorize. Trust me, that’ll make for some productive peace talks!!
Why have I been chosen to deliver this message of Female intelligence and its Divinity to a world of deaf males? I have asked my Internal/Eternal Goddess that question, and She answered, “Why not YOU, Roseanne?” Indeed, why not each of us?
Women, let’s stop propping up bull**** and reflecting it back at twice its size!! Let’s drop out big time and stop buying things! Let’s plant gardens. Let’s not buy in, let’s get real.
Let’s take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch!
Let’s start our own schools and teach our kids to heal the world and not destroy it. Let’s help each other first for once, before we help men or their gods! Let’s be selfish for our own sake and theirs, just this once. I know the thought of that seems blasphemous and horrific, but we have to do it!
The truth of the Light of reality will illuminate all that we see and all that we do.
Ladies,and thinking Gentlemen, I implore you: Join me in the Church of Common Sense, in the Green Tea Party movement. With your support, I promise to usher in the new age:
(a prophecy written 2010 just before the deluge).