If host Andy Cohen was thinking clearly, he would have worn full body armor to lead the discussion during the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show, the first part airing on Monday. I refuse to watch any of the video previews, as I want to enjoy the full show in its entirety having no prior visual snippets of what’s going to go down. But I have a few predictions:
1. Joe Giudice plows his car into the stage. Despite blowing close to what would be legally dead, he repeatedly claims “he hadn’t been drinking at dinner” even though the show was filmed in the morning. Somehow this becomes Danielle’s fault.
2. Ashley Holmes winds up pulling Andy Cohen’s hair in a fit of rage, later claiming it wasn’t a true assault because she “pulled his toupee, not real hair.” Bravo later issues a press release stating that they won’t press charges and Cohen doesn’t wear a wig.
3. “The Situation” and Snooki from Jersey Shore are brought in to mediate the brawl between Teresa and Danielle. Danielle and “The Situation” find themselves oddly attracted to each other and run off to an hourly hotel downstate in Camden to be alone. Jacqueline decides she likes Snooki better than her own daughter and trades Ashley in.
4. Teresa’s plastic surgeon shows up to repossess the breast implants she still hasn’t paid for.
5. The Franklin Lakes City Council bursts in with a signed petition to legalize witch hunts and begins erecting stakes on stage after bolting all exit doors.
Silly? Sure. But what will actually happen will probably far more ridiculous than we could ever imagine.