Bad Parent: Smack!
I don't believe in spanking, but I did it anyway.
by Cole Gamble
January 3, 2008
"Jillian, if you don't go to bed, I will spank you." The words slip past my lips before my groggy brain gets a chance to okay them, but there they are. I know she heard me, because she kicks me again, this time rather close to the groin. She thinks I'm bluffing. I think I'm bluffing, but now I have put spanking on the table. If I back down now, she will forever know I am nothing but bluster and empty threats. I grab her arm and lift her to her feet.
"Okay, then," I say directly into her wild eyes, "Are you going to bed or not?" She shakes her head like she's trying to shake it right off her shoulders. My voice rises. "Jillian. Will. You. Go. To. Bed?!"
She spits a raspberry at me.
"Jillian?!"
She blows harder, the spit sprays all over my face. My hand has already begun to swing, as if to say, "I'll take it from here." It gathers speed in its wide, arcing journey to Jillian's behind. There it connects with a hearty slap!
My eyes dart to Jillian's, which have stopped bouncing. Her head is no longer a blur. Now she looks me back in the eye. Oh my god, I think, what have I done?
Then . . . she laughs. Throws her head back, and gives a throaty laugh.
I don't think she's laughing at the weakness of my spank. I am a reasonably strong man capable of delivering a strong blow. She's laughing because she is frigging nuts.
My grip on her arm goes limp. I slink back to my bedroom, leaving Jillian to fling every single book inMy hand has already begun to swing, as if to say, "I'll take it from here." her bookcase across the room. I slip into bed.
"What happened?" my wife asks.
"I spanked her."
"And?"
"She laughed."
"She laughed?"
"She laughed."
"Did you do it hard enough?"
"I think so."
Pause.
"We are really screwed, aren't we?
"Yep."
The worst part is not that I went back on my promise to never spank; the worst part is that I exercised my nuclear option and it failed. Spanking is the last and fiercest weapon in a parent's arsenal, and all it managed to do was draw a chuckle.
Lying in bed, waiting for Jilian to wear herself out, I find some solace. The temptation to spank, that urge that nags like a tickle at the back of your throat, will never be a problem again. I tried it. It didn't work. Parenthood is not a war, where might makes right. It is a game of chess, a game of skill and patience that you can never truly master. That's fine. I can handle the fact I need to get better, and that she'll keep upping her game as well. For now, I'm just looking to keep out of check.
©2008 Cole Gamble and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Cole Gamble is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. He's working on an evil self-help guide titled Improve Your Life or Die.
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