Parental Advisory 20
How do I combat my baby's stranger anxiety?
by Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris
April 25, 2007
Our four-month-old daughter started exhibiting extreme stranger
anxiety — wailing
when anyone aside from my wife or I picked her up — at the unusually
early
age of two months. She is slowly getting better, letting some of our friends
and
relatives
hold her for short periods of time. And she's always been fine
when we're holding her and others are talking or playing with her. She'll smile
at them and interact,
and
only start crying if they actually pick her up. The exception is my mother-in-law,
her grandmother, who comes over at least once a week to help my wife (who is
still on maternity
leave). It's like the baby has taken an intense dislike to this dedicated, loving
woman. The baby cries at the very sight of her. What can be going on here? It's
hard enough to have a baby who's unable to be held by anyone aside from the two
of
us, but it's making life very difficult that the baby seems to hate the very
person
who's most available to help. — Don't Be A Stranger
Dear Don't Be a Stranger,
Who knows what your baby's thinking? Maybe she's freaked out by your
mother-in-law's perfume, or her hairdo. Maybe she doesn't like the
way Grandma holds her. Or maybe your baby has caught on to the fact that when
Grandma comes, you go. Unfortunately, it's impossible to know exactly what's
behind your baby's reactions — at four months, she's a long way
from conversation.
Although your mother-in-law feels like family to you, your baby might not be
feeling the love quite yet. Once a week, for a sixteen-week-old, is far from
an intimate bond. At this point, each week is a lifetime, and those six days
without her are like years. She may need more time to get comfortable with the
situation.
Your baby may be more sensitive to strangers than some, at least at this point.
But despite the universal proclamations, babies do go through different levels
of attachment at different times. Yours could just be an early bloomer. Whatever
the cause, chances are good that her rejection will not be permanent. Stranger
anxiety generally gets less intense when babies feel more at ease with their
bodies and place in the world. Grandparents (and parents, for that matter) click
with kids more or less at different ages and stages. It's still so early.
But waiting for these things to happen may not do you much good right now, when
you're dying for date night or a cup of coffee or a romantic excursion
to the laundromat. If you really want (need) to get out of the house, there are
a few things you can try. One way to reduce stranger anxiety is to get
other people (strangers) more involved. You could try giving your baby
more time with your mother-in-law (if she's willing and her ego is not too
bruised). Another idea is to ask the people your baby
seems to have some tolerance for to babysit for short periods. This could help
your daughter start to feel safe with others in general. And then there's
a third option: trial by fire (or tears). Though your baby may not be happy when
you leave her with Grandma, she'll probably get over it quickly. Plus,
if you gotta get out, you gotta get out!
Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com
©2007 Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris and Nerve Media
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