Parental Advisory: Cousin from Hell
My nephew is a bad influence on my kids.
by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris
February 13, 2008
I read your recent column about the sanctimonious
sister with
interest, because I too have a sister complaint. My boys are one and three-and-a-half. I will be visiting our parents for a few weeks soon during our cross-country move. My sister is a single mom
of a physically imposing five-and-a-half-year-old tyrant, and she lives in the same town as our parents and depends on them a lot for
child care. She drives me nuts, because she never disciplines or follows through
with her son even though his behavior is outrageous. He behaves like a two-year-old
at the table — eating with his fingers, growling and roaring at everyone, spills everything.
Still, my sister does nothing. Of course, my three-year-old sees this, and guess
what?
I'm often busy with the baby when it starts, but when I do see what is happening with my guy I
say things like, "Were you raised by wolves? Use your fork, please."
Or, "Let's use indoor voices at the table." And, "I'm sorry, I don't speak
lion. Please use your words." I always hope my sister will clue in that you're supposed to raise your children to behave at the table. My parents are
afraid to say anything. My sister is a social worker and presents herself as an expert at everything.
So, do you have any advice about how to gear myself up for another visit to hell? Oh yes, and her guy tends to bully my
guy — using his size and roaring ability to scare the daylights out of him. — Dreading the Visit
Dear Dreading,
It's pretty common for family members to have different styles of parenting.
It's also common for other issues to get tied up in the way siblings judge
each other's choices, parenting or otherwise. We're getting a teeny whiff of
some
emotional baggage in your description of your sister's situation. You may want
to examine your feelings about your sister in general when you think about
how you feel about how she raises her kid. You and your sister might have
very different
ideas about child-rearing. Or maybe you just have very different kids and
circumstances. Maybe she doesn't care as much about table manners as you
do. Maybe her child
has a difficult temperament.
"Not all families follow the same rules" is not a bad lesson to learn.
Or maybe she's just given up this fight, because
in the context of her life as a single parent, it's a battle she's decided
isn't worth the trouble.
Do you get a sense that your children are in actual danger, or are your worries
more about your nephew as a "bad influence"? If it's the former, by
all means, you need to talk to your sister about keeping your kids safe. But
if it's the latter, your answer is in your question. Even a visit to hell is
still just a visit. You're not talking about moving next door to your sister,
but about an occasional, brief family vacation in her neck of the woods.
Is this
really going to have an impact on your kids' lives in the long run? Probably
not. A few weeks' visit to a different way of doing things will not undo all that
you've done to teach your kids to behave. Anything they glean from this
so-called tyrant can be quickly nipped in the bud once you get home. It's
probably not worth getting into a critical confrontation over something that
doesn't really happen that often, and doesn't have much effect in the end.
This may even be a good teaching opportunity for you, if you're able to do
it in a
way that doesn't totally trash your sister or her offspring. Learning that
different rules apply to different circumstances (and that not all families
follow the
same rules) is not a bad lesson. If your contact is minimal, your best bet
may be to grin and bear it, and explain to your kids accordingly.
If you do decide to talk to your sister, we urge you to try to do it from a
supportive place rather than attacking her choices. Asking your child, "Were
you raised by wolves?" when he imitates her son may not be the best route
to productive communication. Your sister sounds like a thoughtful person, whether
she's raising
her son in a particular way on purpose or just struggling with parenting alone.
You're much more likely to get through to her with a real discussion than a
nasty sideswipe at the dinner table. A time may come when someone sees your
child as
a bad influence. (There's only so much a parent can control.) We suspect that
you'd want to be treated with respect in that situation, rather than feeling
judged — be it by a stranger, or your sister.
Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com
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©2008 Rebecca Odes & Ceridwen Morris and Nerve Media
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