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16. Song of the South

All the ingredients for a happy-go-lucky kid flick are there: the rabbits are cute, the foxes are adorable. You and your kids could watch the whole thing and go straight to bed and sleep a deep, undisturbed sleep. But later, maybe days later, it strikes you: "My sweet Jemima, that movie was racist!" I don't mean kinda offensive, but so racist it will make your eyes sting. "Hoo-wee boy," you'll cry, wiping your eyes like you just finished a hot wing eating contest, "that is some vinegary racism." Realizing that you and your kids consumed nearly radioactive amounts of antiquated stereotypes hidden in the Trojan Horse of fluffy anthropomorphized Disney animals — now that's scary.

15. Wizard of Oz

Okay, I do not think anything about this movie is scary, but a lot of people do. Guess it's the flying monkeys. Now to be fair, back in the 1930s when this movie came out, I'll bet those flying monkeys were scary as hell. Then again, in 1939 Americans were also afraid the country would collapse into ruin because of a scandalous new dance called the "jitterbug."

 

14. The Polar Express

Robert Zemeckis clearly thinks zombies are cute. Realistically animated flesh with cold, dead eyes is his idea of family entertainment. And by realistic flesh, I mean realistic for a burn victim. This thing is horrifying from top to bottom; just a colossal misjudgment by Zemeckis of what human beings find enjoyable. And it's funny, because anyone who saw the preview knew it immediately.  But this thing sold a ticket or two, so someone had to have walked into this picture sight unseen.  What must they have been thinking? "A holiday film by the director and star of Forrest Gump? Tom Hanks playing Santa Claus as well as thirty-seven other roles?  What a delightfu— OH GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING UP ON SCREEN! I CLOSE MY EYES AND I CAN STILL SEE IT!"

13. Speed Racer

Haven't seen this one yet. Too afraid of having a seizure.

12. Moonwalker

What do you mean you have never seen Moonwalker? Yes you have, and if you claim you haven't you're a bunch of lying liars so let's cut out the lies you love so much. (Why don't you marry your lies?) Maybe you had that part of your memory erased or you beat it out with a ball peen hammer, so let me see if I can synopsize it for you. Although comprised of a bunch of music videos, Moonwalker reaches its memorable nadir in its one narrative section, "Smooth Criminal." In it, MJ is a "friendly gangster" who loves dancing and children (yes, really). One day a frolicking MJ and his mob of grubby-faced tykes happen upon evil ponytailed Joe Pesci's world-domination scheme to hook the entire population of earth on drugs (seems reasonable). MJ fights back by turning into a sports car (did I mention he is a "magical" gangster?) and then later into a giant robotic Michael Jackson that blows stuff up by screaming.

I guess I could also mention Jackson later transforms into a spaceship, but your frontal lobe probably shut down after viewing that last image, an image that will haunt your dreams for years to come. If I had to choose the most frightening element of Moonwalker, I would have to say it's the overall message that if you are a child and you spend lots of time with Michael Jackson the weirdest thing that could happen is he'll turn into a 100-foot tall screaming robot. That's just dangerously misleading.

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