Pinocchio Parenting
The right way and wrong way to lie to your kids.
by Brett Berk
August 29, 2008
Great, I hear you thinking. This know-it-all gay non-parent has now charged me with perjury and child abuse for telling a few lies, but he hasn't suggested what to do instead. Well, to answer that, here are a few templates you can use when confronted with the need to dissemble.
Hit Pause: Kids like asking questions. That's how they figure out how the world works. So when your child inquires about something, it's useful to respond. The important thing to recognize is, you don't have to respond right away. Kids are grounded in the concrete and the present tense, but if you tell them that you're not sure why clouds float, why daddy moved out, or when the Iraq war will end, they'll be willing to accept that. Explain that you need to think about it for a second, or that you'll look it up and tell them, or that you can try to figure it out together. Of course, if you take this path, you should pick a concrete time when you'll give them the answer (after you go down the slide, once we get home, when I get a better signal on my iPhone). You also have to be sure to actually follow through and provide an answer. Otherwise, you just lied.
Take the Hit: I had a friend who left her daughter's water wings in their rental cabin when they visited the lake at a local state park. When the girl asked to swim, instead of admitting her error, the mom explained that the lake was closed. "It's full of crocodiles." Wrong! Only insane people blame their behavior on imaginary forces. When you screw up, accept the blame. It shows your fallibility, helps your child learn to deal with things going off-plan, and pushes everyone to locate functional alternate solutions.
Tell the Truth: Nothing stops the need to lie like veracity. In straightforward, succinct and sustainable terms, let your child know the real deal. Repeat after me: "That's an ice cream truck. We can get ice cream as a treat, but not every day — it's not healthy." Your kid might fuss a few times, but if you say it like you mean it, and stick to your guns, they'll learn the value of your word, and will be less likely to try to get around it.
©2008 Brett Berk and Nerve Media
About the Author
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