The Internet Makes Mommy Mean
Message boards can bring out the worst in us.
by April Peveteaux
March 19, 2007
I had to hand it to her; Eleanor brought her A-game. She faltered only once:
she admitted that, as she spent more time on the list, she had learned to temper
her opinions, as not everyone would take them "the right way." But
she quickly pointed out that on another list, she had recently been forced to
slap someone down over a call to take the family cat lest it be euthanized. Eleanor
said she absolutely had to address the offender, chastising the woman with an
email that read, "What kind of values are you teaching your children?" Again,
with the cats!
I started to feel short of breath sitting across from Eleanor. Her harsh tone
could not be attributed to an online faux pas; this was full-on verbal assault,
under the guise of concerned citizenry. I found myself wanting to euthanize that
cat just on principal. And I couldn't believe that my get-me-out-of-here body
language didn't affect her: she was just as bossy and unpleasant in person as
she was online. We ended the meeting with tense small talk about vacationing
with children.
On the angry walk home, my hostilities toward her and the doomed cat began to
wane. I recalled my love for pets and all living creatures, my preference for
organic milk. I realized our values were actually quiteI've learned my lesson about trying to get her, or any other parents, to see things my way. similar. Eleanor and
I share a community and the jarring experience of new parenthood. When I sent
out a call for donations to a non-profit a few days later, Eleanor was the first
to respond.
Convinced that being a good online community member could not be as difficult
as I made it for myself, I ask Dr. Suler to give his definition: "Good community
members are those who have an intrinsic empathic ability, or who can develop
an empathic ability, to understand and anticipate how other people online are
thinking and feeling."
I realized that even in person, what I really wanted was for Eleanor to see why
she was wrong, and, I was, um, right. I now know I'm just as judgmental about
Eleanor's classist, aggressive, anti-vaccination kind as she is about those of
us who want to protect our babies from the local crack head. But I've learned
my lesson about trying to get her, or any other parents, to see things my way.
Now when I see someone post about anything more controversial than a used umbrella
stroller, I simply hit delete. And when I see Eleanor walking toward me in her
eco-friendly hiking boots, I duck into the nearest big box store.
©2007 April Peveteaux and Nerve Media
About the Author
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April Peveteaux is a writer, editor and sometimes performer. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, son and daughter. |
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