The Sleepless Generation
The unhappy results of the war on sleep-training.
by Melissa Rayworth
May 12, 2008
It's ten p.m. and I can hear him in there. His baby brother is fast asleep. But my older son, Mason, is wide awake. He's leafing through comic books and sneaking out of bed, rummaging around for action figures. Just a few weeks shy of his fifth birthday, Mason can write his name, throw a baseball, even croon a wicked rendition of "Go Tell Aunt Rhody." But he hasn't learned how to go to sleep.
Bedtime is a tense negotiation, an unpredictable mix of hugs and tears and impish grins and broken promises to stay in bed. Once he crashes, it's only a matter of hours before he's at our bedside, climbing under the covers or beckoning us to his room. Much as his dad and I adore him, the late nights and interrupted sleep are getting to us. And we know they're not doing him any good.
After talking with friends and strangers, I'm realizing we've got a lot of company. Families across America aren't sleeping. Kim West, a Maryland-based therapist known as "The Sleep Lady" and author of Good Night, Sleep Tight, works with families who have tried and failed with co-sleeping but don't want to give it up because they like it or feel guilty.
She sees other parents who are using a crib but can't bear to let their babies cry at night.
"Babies who can't self-soothe quickly grow into preschoolers who won't sleep."
They constantly intervene, attempting to soothe the baby back to sleep with an arsenal of hugs, feedings and impromptu co-sleeping.
There's a common denominator, West says. "The big issue is: Do your children know how to put themselves to sleep without you doing something to them or for them?" she says. "Because if they can't do it for the onset of sleep, they can't do it in the middle of the night or for a nap."
The upshot? No one sleeps well.
"It's a major problem. I hear it all the time," says Complete Confidence author and New York psychotherapist Sheenah Hankin. "You've got exhausted parents and exhausted kids. Their idea is that kids mustn't get upset or cry. So these children aren't learning to soothe themselves at all." Soothing newborns is vital, of course, she says. "But older children, if you don't lead them to manage their own emotions, they won't learn how."
Babies who can't self-soothe quickly grow into preschoolers who won't sleep unless there's a cuddly parent in their bed. That leaves parents and kids exhausted, and marriages strained as couples either sleep separately or share their bed with one or more elbowing, teeth-grinding, frequently awakened offspring.
After co-sleeping with their son for his first eighteen months, Sara and A.J. Mass have taught him to sleep all night in his own bed — sort of. Mass, who lives in southern New Jersey, says, "There are some nights, he'll come in our room now fifteen times: 'I want juice, I'm too hot, I'm too cold.' He has a million reasons."
This situation — challenging with one child — can get worse with two or more kids in the house.
©2008 Melissa Rayworth and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Melissa Rayworth writes about American culture, sexual politics and parenting for The Associated Press and other national news outlets. She lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and two sons, making frequent trips to New York City for work and play. |
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