His, Mine, Ours
Will my stepsons feel betrayed if I have a baby?
by Lily Burana
April 12, 2007
I got tears in my eyes the first time I stood back-to-back with my
elder stepson and realized he had grown taller than me. Soon after
came the specter of driving lessons for him, then freshman year for
his two-years-younger brother, and I started having premature empty-nest syndrome. My stepsons, who came into my life (and I into theirs)
when they were ten and eight, were growing up way too fast. I wanted
their childhood to never end. Then I realized: it wasn't just that. I
wanted a child. I hadn't planned on having children of my own, like,
ever, so I didn't know what to think about this development, much
less how to approach the subject in the context of our blended family.
(I did not come up with this term, "blended" which is so smoothie-
ish. I just do what the linguists tell me.)
I did not have a wealth of books or blogs to consult about my
dilemma. Despite the proliferation of blended (durrr!) families in
this country (more than 3.6 million American households, i.e. ten percent of
all households with minor children, per the Census Bureau), the true-life stories of stepparenting are hard to find. It could be that mix-and-match family situations call up so many ungainly primal feelings
that honest discussion about blended families is too taboo a subject.
So, unlike, say, baby's first year, which is documented in umpty bazillion
articles, books, and websites, a stepparent is often left to puzzle
out challenges and changes using intuition and best-guesses. The
paltry selection of media about stepparenting and family blending
paints scenes that are either Brady Bunch or Gotterdamerung. Not so
helpful.
If nothing else, blended families make obvious the fact that
parenting can be extremely, explosively political. It's tough, and I
say this as someone who won the Blended Family Lottery — great kids,
involved dad, and devoted, drama-averse baby mama. I found,Your success as a stepparent depends upon
your ability to both stand up for yourself and to mind your own
business. quite
quickly, that you can fiercely love stepchildren even if they aren't,
in the biological sense, yours. My stepsons are my family, my boys.
Still, there's a substantial psychic workload in being a second
spouse and mommy-come-lately. Your success (meaning: ability to stay
serene, sane and emotionally engaged) as a stepparent depends upon
your ability to both stand up for yourself and to mind your own
business, depending on what the situation calls for. You need an open
heart, deep breathing and diplomatic polish. The light touch is your
best friend.
I am still in the Just Thinking About It stage. No EPT box stashed in the bathroom drawer, no calls for a "family meeting" where we break big news. For now. I've certainly hashed out the idea with friends, and the reaction is mixed. "Don't let guilt keep you from getting what you want," says a now divorced friend who left her husband because he didn't want to upset his daughter from a previous marriage by having another child. "You don't have to have kids to please me, or anyone else," my own mother has said. Married moms I know who wouldn't have even dated a divorced guy, let alone married someone who already had kids, are befuddled by the whole dilemma. They just give me "more power to ya" looks. But the peanut gallery doesn't hold much sway. It may take a village to raise a child, but it comes down to my husband and me to decide whether or not to have one in the first place. He and I dance around the possibilities, discuss the pros and cons, and for some reason, I'm not worried about whether or not it's meant to be. Except when I think about the boys.
©2007 Lily Burana and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Lily Burana is the author of the alt.country romance Try and the memoir Strip City. Her website is lilyburana.com. |
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