The Parenting Do-Over
The upside of having children sixteen years apart.
by Katie Allison Granju
January 7, 2008
I am, in effect, getting a parent do-over. While my three older children aren't grown up by any means, they are far enough along in the process that I have a fair idea of how my parenting has panned out so far, meaning I can already see the effect of many of the specific parenting choices I made in early childhood.
Not surprisingly, I find my three older offspring to be the most special and appealing children I've ever met, and others who know them agree; these are great kids. But if I am honest, I have to admit there are some things I wish I had done differently in my earliest years of raising them. That's because, like most mothers I know, I question my own parenting choices regularly. Unlike many other mothers, however, I will now get the chance to try things another way with this brand new baby.
The biggest thing I hope to do differently with and for Charlotte is stay married to her father. My divorce profoundly and forever marked my older children's childhoods. Even with two loving and involved parents who live only a few miles away from one another and share custody, my children have suffered more than any child should suffer from their parents' inability to remain married. Despite my confidence that my first marriage was, in the end, truly not salvageable, I will never be one of those divorced parents who rationalizes the break-up as better for the kids. In fact, our kids would have strongly preferred their parents remain under one roof, whether we were personally fulfilled or not. Before my divorce, I certainly never believed divorce was good for kids, but sadly, I know now just how hard it is on them.The biggest thing I hope to do differently with and for Charlotte is stay married to her father. My commitment to remain a married parent is now different than it was before; I have learned through hard and bitter experience that the grass is not greener for children — at least my children — when their parents break up.
Of course, while family configuration provides the larger backdrop, it is the day-to-day decisions that ultimately define who we are as parents and how our children turn out. Much of it is trial and error. A few of my parenting trials have already produced obvious errors, including my decision in their first years of schooling to convey a relatively lax view of academic performance. I made this decision because I simply assumed that my brilliant offspring — growing up in households full of books, educational toys and adults with advanced degrees — would naturally become stellar students. Given this assumption, I never pushed them to perform to a certain level at school. Today, with one nearing college, I have determined that I was wrong. As it happens, none of them seem to find the quest for high grades particularly worthwhile. And in hindsight, this is to a large degree my fault.
Now when I push my kids for better report cards, my earlier lack of insistence on top grades comes back to haunt me, like the ghost of bad parenting past. As a result, my previous earthy-crunchy, Waldorfian view of academic performance has evolved. When Charlotte reaches school age, I will make it clear to her from the very beginning that grades matter, and I will expect her to make every effort to earn good ones.
©2008 Katie Allison Granju and Nerve Media
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