Equality Now
Today's men do it all. Where does that leave women?
by Jessica Francis Kane
February 8, 2007
"You're kind of the baker," she told me recently when I offered to make cupcakes for her birthday.
"That's right!" I said, my delight at her seeing me in this traditional role eclipsing any concern I might have once had about her seeing me in this traditional role. "That's right. I bake. Baking's nice, don't you think?"
"But Daddy's the cooker, which you have to do every day."
Ah ha. Well, with all my extra time, I poured myself a drink.
Another problem: having two parents equally "hands-on" (as my mother refers to our arrangement) leaves open the question of discipline. My mother stayed home with me, and if I didn't behave we both knew what would happen: when my father came home from work, the day's grievances would be aired and punishment would be administered. This kept me in line, apparently, but more interesting to me now — it gave my mother a last resort. I don't have this advantage. When my husband comes home, his arrival is less like the coach's walk to the pitcher's mWhen my husband comes home, his arrival is less like the coach's walk to the pitcher's mound than another player, a popular one, joining the team for a round of high-fives.ound than another player, a popular one, joining the team for a round of high-fives. We're all in the dugout, telling stories. And when the little girl resists bath time? I guess that's why our generation invented the time out. In my experience, it's not as effective.
My mother likes to point out that she didn't have the help I do. My "hands-off" dad (I'll forever picture him with his hands up, shoulders shrugged, expression surprised), didn't change a single diaper. When my mom tells me these stories, I feel sorry for her — and guilty. Sometimes she asks how my work is going, and I know I sound defensive when I answer. It's my deepest fear, after all: where's the proof of the extra time I have?
"I'm working on a few things," I say. "It's going pretty well."
But productivity shouldn't be the point, or at least not the only goal. What about happiness? It seems to me, motherhood is full-time no matter what you do, so what's wrong with adding other work into the mix, whether for money or sanity? Every mother should be able to aim for a work/mothering arrangement that suits her. People often talk about a balance of these things, but that doesn't seem quite right, because it implies equal parts. They're more like puzzle pieces fitting together in different ratios. "Every person's puzzle is different," I say to my mother. "And maybe some puzzles have only one piece," I add, my voice petering off.
"Right," she says. "Well, I know I couldn't have written a book when you were little."
©2007 Jessica Francis Kane and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Jessica Francis Kane is the author of the story collection Bending Heaven. Her work has been broadcast on BBC radio and has appeared in Virginia Quarterly Review, McSweeney's, and Brain, Child. She lives in Charlottesville, Virginia, and is a contributing writer for The Morning News.org. |
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