Playtime
My dad gave us the awesomest Christmas present ever this past year: he paid for (and helped build, along with a builder friend of his) finishing part of our basement to use as a playroom for the girls. The project was recently completed and it is *so* fabulous to have a place to put the girls — ahem, I mean, their toys.
Until recently, their playthings had been gradually, steadily overtaking our living room / dining room. Now, for the first time since the girls were born, our main living area is more or less free of major baby/child accoutrements. And downstairs, we’ve got a gorgeous room that looks like this:
The only potential wrinkle here is the fact that our basement gets water when it rains hard for more than a day, and tends to be damp overall. But the floor is raised and the walls are built in front of the actual walls, plus we’ve got a de-humidifier running around the clock (can’t wait to see what our electric bills will be…) and so far, so good.
The building of this room coincides nicely with the fact that the girls are pretty much old enough to play down there on their own. From upstairs, we can hear them just fine, and the doors out of the playroom to the unfinished part of the basement are locked. So, theoretically, they could play happily down there by themselves for a long time. Except that typically we have to go down and break up fights every ten minutes or so. I’m trying to interfere less in these disputes and let them work it out for themselves. But the other day — for the first time — Clio bit Elsa. HARD. It didn’t break the skin, but the teeth marks were still there the next day. So now we’re a little wary of letting them tussle on their own for too long. (Have three-year-old siblings ever killed each other?)
Frequently they also need a nudge to come up with games or toys to play with once they’ve gotten tired of coloring — by far their favorite activity these days. It’s odd; they’ve got this whole room full of toys and games and pretend play “props,” and they can’t think of anything to do unless one of us suggests it and sits down to get things going with them. But usually once they get going, they’re off to the races.
The only thing that I struggle with (besides whether or not to break up potential bloodbaths when one of them grabs a toy out of the other one’s hands) is how much to play *with* them. I’m pretty playful in general — happy to make up silly songs with the girls, or launch tickle fights, etc. I like dancing to music with them, and I love reading books and setting up creative projects. I don’t even mind a few minutes of playing with the dollhouse or pretending to eat the “meals” they make for me with their plastic food (raisin and bean and donut and chicken and blueberry and strawberry cake, anyone?) But after five minutes of “pretend play,” well, B-O-R-I-N-G.
And difficult to follow. They’ve got this strange internal logic as to how things are supposed to go that I just can’t follow for long. Example: yesterday I suggested that they put on a “show” for their stuffed animals. (This is big lately.) So they set all their animals and dolls up on their little armchairs near the front window (this was actually an upstairs game). Then Clio sat on the couch with a play guitar, and they wanted me to sit on a chair that they’d placed right in front of the couch, facing away. I was supposed to sing (“This little light of mine.”) but only once Clio started. It was never clear to me whether I was in the audience or in the show
or if it was some kind of high-concept,
test-the-definition-of-theater-participatory thing. I was yelled at several times for not doing what I was supposed to.
Curious George, sitting in a toy high chair on the coffee table, was also involved. After — and only after — the musical number was done, I was supposed to make him walk (according to Elsa, who was sitting catty-corner to the couch, in the recliner) but NOT dance. Shortly after that, the girls realized that the lighting for the show was sub-par, so we made a “light” out of construction paper and a pencil. It needed a lot of tape and stickers.
The whole thing was very Dadaist. Or like one of those dreams where you’re back in high school and you have to perform the whole production of “South Pacific” you were in your sophomore year, with no brush-up rehearsal. (What, you never had that dream?)
All of which leads me to my conclusion, which is that I think in general — and especially when it comes to pretend play — children are best left to their own devices. And I shouldn’t feel guilty for encouraging them to play on their own (in their new playroom or not) most of the time. Right? Right?
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I think you’re right to stay out of it. If they need you they’ll come get you. It’s their play life and more amusing from a distance.
Nice play space! It’s so great to be able to have a spot where toys can stay out and not be in the way. Enjoy!
By all means, let them play alone! The toy room on the third floor of my house is my savior! Short of tears, let them have at it. One word of warning: silence is a very bad sign! Set up your baby monitor so that you can continuously eavesdrop.
I’d certainly encourage playing with them every so often (or at least, having them tell you about their play) just because it’s fun and funny when you have a little distance, but I agree, it can get boring. Normally what I do when I’m babysitting and I feel like saying “okay, you go play, Julia’s going to reply to e-mails riiiiight next to you” is a douche move, I just act like I’m three and play with the toys I’M interested in. Because let’s face it – kids have cool toys, and sometimes it’s fun to do a page in a coloring book and listen in on them every once in a while.
We also have a de-humidifier running down the basement at all times for what reason, I don’t know, but I think my parents wouldn’t keep doing it if it was that costly – we’re talking about my parents, after all. You know, the “so what if the house is fifty-five degrees and you have wet hair in the middle of winter? Put on FIVE sweaters. We have more blankets, right?” people. You’ve met ‘em.
Ugh. This is a subject of great personal turmoil. When both boys are home, they play together sans grown-up for HOURS. But when A is home by himself, I am invariably required for entertainment purposes. And I HATE playing with Matchbox cars or simulating battles, which is the game du jour. I’m terrible – I set up an individual activity and scram, ASAP. At least he likes to read to himself now…
We just got a downstairs toyroom too. Best ever. I don’t very often play down there either – isn’t that the point?! Enjoy!
Enjoy letting them play without you. I had twins before I had any singletons, and my twins played together pretty well from about 18 months on. I was lucky, but I thought “I don’t know what everyone is complaining about having to ‘entertain’ their kids. This is easy!” Then I had a singleton, who of course the twins didn’t want to play with and I totally got it. I had NO IDEA how much “entertaining” most toddlers and preschoolers require when they don’t come with a built-in playmate.
And, yeah, silence is baaaad. One time when my twins were silent for a little too long, I discovered that they had disassembled a toddler bed. Not cool.
I’m currently reading an excellent book called Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. He talks about how you can use play to bond with children, but it doesn’t mean you have to play with the ALL the time, or that you have to constantly direct them. I think it’d be worth checking out because I’m really enjoying it.
Pretend play sans adult intervention is sooo important, especially at this age. They are just beginning to figure out how to set boundaries for various situations (Curious George must WALK and never DANCE), communicate them, and then inevitably negotiate them. It’s good practice for being able to recognize social boundaries in “real” life and to self-regulate in order to respond appropriately.
I love how when you watch little kids pretend play together they always seem to just throw out crazy ideas… “and now you be the mommy who has to go fight the dragon”… and then those ideas are either accepted or rejected and replaced by something else… “no I’m not the mommy, I’m the big sister who has to give the dragon some milk.” It’s a constant negotiation of self-imposed rules.
I’d say don’t worry about not understanding or being good at their pretend play and don’t feel bad about letting them play alone. Play along if they ask you, but remember you are in their world when you join their pretend play. It’s the one place where they have complete control over what happens and where they can practice using that control. Save your adult-logic for other kinds of activities.
I feel ya. I am constantly sneaking out of my girls’ play room, with some success. (ours is on the main floor) I’ve discovered the dynamic is different when I’m around (they get whiny and are constantly demanding things of me) so I limit my play time with them. I figure it’s payback for the hell they put me through when they were babies – HA!
In terms of the fighting and intervening… I am still at a loss about what to do when I hear them screaming at each other LOUDER THAN I’VE EVER HEARD humans screaming. I try to talk to them about the importance of not hitting, etc.
BTW, I’m super curious what you (and other twin moms) think of Celine Dion and Mariah Carey announcing they are expecting twins. Am I the only one that thinks Hollywood stars are deliberately getting pregnant with twins to get two kids in one shot?
Cool–we’re currently looking to buy a house that has such a playroom in the basement. I think I’m sold…
Ugh I have the same struggles except with boys it is “Play cars with me, You be this car.” Then we drive the cars back and forth methodically for infinite amounts of time. It is great that they love to do that. But why must I participate? I try to make the cars talk and they like that but mommy just does not get that driving and parking them over and over and over and over again is where the real fun is.
I kinda have a 5 to 10 minute rule. I will come in and do that kind of stuff as long as I can stomach it which sometimes is not even 2 minutes. Then I try to get away. I make up excuses about having to check the laundry or something. Mine also have a whole playroom filled with toys and often won’t go play on their own. The only thing they will play on their own is cars or trains. They spend a good part of their day doing that.
So I would say just make an effort to do it as long as you can and then tell them they have to play by themselves now for awhile. Then let some time pass and then come back and try again for as long as you can, etc. One game I nevermind playing with them is hide and seek. Doesn’t require much thinking or trying on my part.
That is a great space, and the best gift ever!
Yes, I’ve heard that letting kids resolve conflicts themselves for the most part is the way to go. Our daycare, as nutty as it is, tries to do that for the most part. My boys aren’t really there yet since the little dude is not yet 1, but Little Man is really great at playing quietly by himself. It’s lovely.
Oooohh, nice playroom!!
K and E play alone a lot. All the time, in fact. I don’t feel guilty about this, and don’t think you should either… It’s one of the first real tangible perks of having twins – a built in playmate! (And Lord knows we’ve earned ourselves a perk!) I also try to intervene in their disagreements as little as possible. I say, “Go work it out with your sister” about a gazillion time a day. The sooner they learn about sharing and compromise, the better! Of course, we haven’t had a serious biting issue to deal with, so that makes it easier for me to be hands off.
One thing I did have to do, though, is institute something we call “separate corners”. (Have I told you about this already? I feel like I may have…) When the girls just can’t seem to get it together and are bickering and fighting, and I finally just. can’t. listen. to it anymore, I tell them they have to play in separate corners. It goes like this: “What do you want to play with, Kate? Fine. You take your blocks and play over there. Emily, Kate is playing with those blocks, and you are not allowed to play with her. Leave her alone. What do you want to play with, Emily? Great. You take those puzzles into the dining room and do them there. Kate, Emily is playing with the puzzles in the dining room. Leave her alone. You are NOT allowed to play with her.” They usually last about 10 minutes before they start sneaking over to the “other side”, giggling and laughing. It’s been really successful for us. Sometimes they even request it all on their own when their sister is getting on their last nerve!
Did you read the essay in the Po Bronson book (Nurture Shock) about the fantastically successful curriculum called… something I can’t remember? Its all about getting kids to extend their pretend play and sounds like what you’re talking about: they play fine by themselves to a point and then need a nudge (like “why dontcha put on a show?”).
When my oldest child (a son now 15) was 3 or 4, he asked me to play with him. I was happy to oblige but then he started laughing for no reason. Really hard. Laughing for real. I tried to play along but he got mad because my laughs weren’t real. He told me, “You’re not laughing right.” He meant that I wasn’t laughing for real. I tried to explain that I needed something to laugh about if my laugh was going to be real. He was so frustrated because I couldn’t do it.