David Beckham Named Manliest Man Alive; Hemingway Spins In Grave

By | October 26th, 2007 at 12:32 pm

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David Beckham is, I think we can all agree, a pretty stellar example of beauty in its masculine form. He’s no Michelangelo’s David – I should hope not, anyway, for the sake of his sex life – but he is pretty cut and buff and chiselled in all the right places.

(Doubt this claim? Check this out and tell me if you still disagree.)

But manly? Worthy of being named the most masculine male star? Excuse me while I try to keep my sides from splitting open from ALL THE LAUGHING.

David Beckham is about as metrosexual as they come. Buffed and waxed and polished and slicked and drenched in beauty product, this guy is the very antithesis of manly. He is more girlishly vain than even his wife – who, I think, holds a more convincing claim to the title of ‘manly’ in that household, not least because she looks like she can and does kick his ass – and more often than not presents as prettier than his wife. So he’s a skilled athlete – so what? He’s the feyest player on the pitch – when he even gets on the pitch – and no amount of bending his balls can make him seem any less a well-coiffed show-puppy and any more a man. I’m sure that his kids think that he’s pretty dude-tastic – who doesn’t want a sports star for a dad? – but the sportiness doesn’t make up for the manliness-deficit caused by his excessive use of hair-gel and his hopeless addiction to having pretty nude portaits of himself done.

This is manly:

 This is not manly:

Pretty, maybe, from an arty point of view, and certainly somewhat hot, but manly? No.

It’s a pretty stupid list, if you ask me. Not as gratuitously stupid as that Unsexiest Woman Alive list that we discussed yesterday, but still, pretty dumb. Other names on the list included Matt Damon and Justin Timberlake, which lead me to believe that this list was put together by somebody’s granny. And Steve Jobs? Really? Somebody’s drunk granny put this list together.

Who do you think should have been the list? Who should have been at the top? 

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