An update on eldest child: I am happy to report that H’s recent change to the private hippie “unchooling” high school seems to have been 100% positive for him. For the first time since I can remember, he seems excited about being at school, and self-motivated (as opposed to me standing over his bed each morning, hollering at him to get out the door to school) to get where he needs to be each day, and to participate in what is going on at the school. Two of his friends transferred from his old school to the new school at the same time he did, so he immediately had friends there, and he’s made new ones as well. He just seems generally much happier than he has been for a long time.
The school is definitely very unconventional. Although he has actual classes, he also has tremendous freedom there to take his interests wherever he wants to go.He doesn’t have real homework, and right now, his primary school interest is sound mixing – - you know, like music engineering, using actual instruments, as well as messing around with looping and mixing software on the computer. He has asked for DJ equipment for Christmas, and he says he’d like to eventually start spinning at parties.
It’s very hard for me to let go of my worry that as a junior in high school, he should be paying more attention to Hemingway and chemistry – just like I did – and less attention to things like illustrating a children’s book (another school project) or mucking around with music software for entire afternoons. But after living through the past four or five years when he became increasingly negative toward and disengaged from anything related to school, it’s nice to see him truly interested in something, and making some effort at it. Before, he hated school so much that he had mentally checked out, even though I was forcing him to show up each day. He wasn’t learning anything, and he was miserable. Something had to give, or I was really afraid he wouldn’t graduate at all. Now he seems excited about school, and life, and learning.
Another big change is that I am seeing a whole lot less of him lately. H would move out of our house and get his own place in a heartbeat if I would let him, and if he could afford it. But I’ve told him he’s stuck living at home until he turns 18, plus he hasn’t made any effort thus far to earn the cash necessary to pay for his own place. Since he says he wants to live independently for his senior year of high school, I’ve been encouraging him to get organized around that idea, and begin earning and saving some money. We’ll see if that actually happens.
In the meantime, however, he is following my requirements regarding being at home, which are pretty minimal at this point. He has to be by 11 on weeknights, for example. Unfortunately, since I am almost always in bed before 11, there are a lot of days when I don’t see him, since I leave for work before he leaves for school. We do talk on the phone and text each other a few times each day, every day, and I try to make time for regular mother-son one-on-one time. I pop into his bedroom to give him a kiss on the forehead each morning before I leave for my job. And tonight, he and I are going out to dinner together – just the two of us. But in general, I just see very little of him these days. He has a friend from his school who is legally emancipated from his parents, and who has his own apartment – within walking distance of the school both the boys attend. Needless to say, this guy’s apartment has become a very attractive hangout for H. I think that it’s sort of like his second home these days.
I worry about him all the time because he’s away from me so much now. I sometimes literally wake up in the middle of the night with a sudden terror that I’m not there to oversee what he’s doing, and something bad is going to happen to him. Is he making good decisions? Is he showing good judgment? Am I going to get a call at 3am on a Saturday night from the ER, or from the police, saying that my teenage boy has done something incredibly stupid? But really, that’s something I no longer have much control over. He’s got one foot out the door, and is pretty much “cooked” as my parents use to say. Whatever decisions he’s going to make, or choices he pursues are largely beyond my influence, and I am certainly not naive enough to believe that he isn’t engaged in some stuff I wish he weren’t doing. At least he isn’tt driving, so that’s one less thing I have to worry about. I just have to hope that the intensive parenting I’ve put in with him in the past 17 years will continue to resonate with him even when I am not around enough to keep him safe until he matures a bit more in his decision-making faculties. As not all of his choices in adolescence thus far have been particularly wise or healthy, I have to hope he’s at least learned from some of the dumber things he’s already done.
When I was 17, I was a year ahead of H in high school, and I, too had an emotional and social life that was increasingly removed from my parents’ oversight. Before I turned 18 – the day after high school graduation – I moved out of their house with their blessing, and took off for Europe, and then college. Except for brief stints of a couple of weeks here and there, I never lived at home again. I made some excellent decisions, and some very bad ones during late adolescence. I had some great experiences, and some terrible ones. But I always felt like my parents had my back during that turbulent period, even when I was many miles away – literally or figuratively. I felt empowered by their apparent trust in me to lead my own life, without a lot of active interference from them. And I counted on them to help me pick up the pieces when I made a complete mess of things, which I did on several occasions before reaching true adulthood.
I hope I can do that for H. It surely is hard to let go, though. And I really miss him already.
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Wow, that must be tough… It’s not easy at any age, is it? What seems surreal to me is that you’re dealing with this AND a toddler!
I do think our school system is too rigid and not well adapted to the large spectrum of kids’ personalities and ways to learn. More than that, I think our school system is much better adapted to girls than it is to boys, after all, education is such a “women’s world”. I think it’s great that he’s showing interest and motivation, and I wouldn’t be too worried about him turning out OK…
Sounds like he’s a chip off the old block. I think that must be the hardest part of parenthood, letting go. You put just about your whole being into raising this person and then they have the nerve to actually grow up! But I think you must have done something right if he’s ready to be his own person. He could be laying on the couch expecting his parents to do and provide everything with no thoughts of ever moving out. That would be much worse!
H is actually really, really different than I am. I am a pleaser – I wanted to be a high achiever at school and in life to make my parents happy. H doesn’t care about pleasing anyone else with his actions, except when it makes his mama actively unhappy. He doesn’t like to make me UNhappy, but he isn’t particularly concerned with making me happy via his own successes and achievements. I was very driven and he is not. He is more of a freespirit. He’s also more creative than I was, and much more shy. But yes, we are alike in that we were/are both chomping at the bit to start our “own” lives at the end of teenagehood.
-Katie
This is a wonderful post Kate. H will be fine. And there will be academic options for him if in the future he decides to go that route (I say this from my experience both teaching high school and community college). I am similar to you but my husband is much like H (left handed musician is what I call him). I honestly hope my girls take after C more than me as he is a happier person IMO. Some of this is also gender related but I have two crabby babies and that is too much of a topic to delve into at the moment.
Good for you, though, and again great post.
Uh, am I the only one who doesn’t think a 17 year old is already “cooked?” Is there an adolescent expert suggesting this? My understanding of current scientific findings is that a kid this age is far from being done, esp. in the area of the brain used for higher reasoning and judgement. Also, is there another reason to hate school? Maybe there is a learning disability or deficiency that has not been noted- it may depend on what kind of resources you’ve had access to at his schools. Maybe there is a bullying situation.
Peraps you misunderstood my meaning of the word “cooked.” Of COURSE he has lots of growing, learning amd maturing to do. That’s why I continue to worry and fret, and stay as engaged as I can be. That’s why I took him out of his previous school,and moved him to a private school that I thought better fit his needs.
No, he has not been bullied, and no, he doesn’t have a diagnosable learning disability. He just finds traditional school a complete and utter, crashing bore. Perhaps this is a shortcoming on his part (or my part, as a parent), but that’s our reality. I decided not to continue to ignore it as a parent, but instead to seek out alternatives for him.
-Katie
I am glad you are going through this because it is such a learning experience. Look at it as something you need to learn as someone who has chosen to educate other people about how to raise children and babies.
I find it utterly frightening to have a child this age. When she’s out with her friends I sweat bullets; when finals come around I worry for her; while waiting for college applications to be processes I am a mess! My daughter is the same age, but a senior….a very young senior! I worry so much about going to school so young, bein away from home at such a young age, ugh! As one of my inlaws told me: little people=little problems and big people=big problems. Sooooo hard.
You might just be my hero. My oldest isn’t even 2 1/12 yet, but I really hope that when he’s 17 we’ll have a similar mutually respectful realtionship. Thank you for writing about this — even with the level of love and respect, I’m sure a part of you wishes that YOU could keep H safe and whole. But recognizing that that is increasingly becoming his responsibility sounds like great parenting to me.
My parents let me go to boarding school at 15 where I was essentially on my own to make good and bad decisions. Fortunately the bad ones were never too bad and I’ve never ever doubted that a quasi-independent existence as a late teen was the right thing for me.
I’m really glad he is enjoying his new school. It’s important that he graduates and these interests he’s exploring could lead him to a tech school. Good sound technicians are hard to find (they really are).
So did the plan to have him live with his dad for this year change? You changed schools instead? I’m glad it sounds as if this is working out for him.
H is making sure you have plenty of grey hairs.
I remember that feeling too well, fretting in the middle of the night over her well being, it’s the worst part of them growing away from the family.
I freaked out over the emancipated friends apartment. Seems like every kid finds one of those friends
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I read a horrifying book written by one of kids whose apartment my daughter frequented until we got her to boarding school to keep her safer than she wanted to be!
You will survive his adolescence!
Keep on going to dinner with him. Be with him without talking about HIS life!
As scary as his future is for you, it is even scarier for him.
Katie, I cannot remember if I found out about this book from your blog. If not, it’s an interesting dissertation about post industrialization infantizing teenagers. Maybe there is some reassure in there for you!
http://www.amazon.com/Case-Against-Adolescence-Rediscovering-Adult/dp/188495670X
some of the most world shaking people have been just like your son. Steve Jobs comes to mind…Einstein is another.
There is also nothing wrong with dropping out and getting your GED and starting to live your life. School is just not some people’s cup of tea. A year at a community college pretty much erases any stigma there might be from a GED.
Also, if you are doing the unschooling route: why not just do it all the way and save the expensive tuition? there are so many resources out there.